


Mad Love Series Part V: Light this Fuse

by kelztastic90



Series: Mad Love Series [5]
Category: Batman (Comics), Batman (Movies - Nolan), Harley Quinn (Comics)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-09
Updated: 2014-10-09
Packaged: 2018-02-20 13:30:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 54,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2430599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kelztastic90/pseuds/kelztastic90
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harley and Joker have adopted some new friends and a sudden discovery makes Harley re-think everything. Continuation from Set Fire to the Rain.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Mad Love Series, Part V: Light This Fuse

And then I saw you  
And suddenly everything became so clear  
You can’t be everything I need, I know that  
But deep down I always knew  
That you were going to be the one  
The one that brought out the me I wanted to be  
I was living in a dream before  
Believing I could change my destiny  
You are the man I never saw   
But in a half-crazed fantasy  
Perhaps I was blinded by what could have been  
And didn’t see what was in front of me  
You are my world now, the only friend  
The only family, the only lover I know  
We steal the night, we bring down justice  
We break all the rules and burn the city down  
Their screams are our music  
The shots drumbeats in our ears  
Some will say I have no heart  
Some will say I’m insane to stand by you  
But they will be silenced by my gun   
We will drink to our infamy  
And light the fuse on anarchy   
This is the world we will create  
The streets will be filled with flames  
Oh this union may be deranged  
People will say where did the girl go wrong?  
Fuck them.   
But this is what I’ve become  
No longer afraid of my sins   
Only now a joker and his harlequin

Chapter 1: Light this Fuse

Where have all the riots gone  
As the city’s motto gets pulverized?  
What’s in love is now in debt  
On your birth certificate  
So strike the fucking match to light this fuse  
\- “Letterbomb”, Green Day 

“Mayhem last night in Gotham: continuing their string of terror and violence, the Joker and his presumed girlfriend and partner in crime, Harley Quinn, broke into the Central Park Zoo around 2:30 AM and released some of the world’s most dangerous animals. At this point, they have located almost every animal from the zoo with the exception of two male hyena cubs. Please call the number located at the bottom of your screen if you have any information on…”  
The Joker turned off the TV and glared daggers at me, “I told you they would notice.”  
I grinned sheepishly as one of the aforementioned 9-week-old hyenas laid his head in my lap and the other dozed peacefully on the rug beneath our feet, “They’re just so damn cute! And I’ve already named them. We’re bonded now.”  
“Ah, so after 4 hours of tiring deliberation, we’ve reached a verdict on the naming of the beasts.”   
I covered the ears of the one in my lap, “They are not beasts. Be nice to Bud and Lou.”  
“…Bud and Lou? That sounds like 2 aging alcoholics who sit at the bar night after night regaling tales of their fraternity days.”   
“That’s an extremely elaborate simile and I applaud you for that but there’s meaning to them, thanks.” I stuck my tongue out at him in a very mature fashion, “Lou-” I pointed to the one on the floor “-was my grandfather’s name and Bud-” I gestured to the one on my lap, whose ears twitched as I scratched them “-was what my dad used to call Maggie. You know, until you caused all of them to die in increasingly brutal ways.”  
“You will hold that over me, forever, won’t you?” he said, face dead-pan.  
“You bet your ass I will.” I smiled sweetly, “Now I have a question…um…what do I feed them?”  
He scowled, “Well, maybe you should have thought about that before you STOLE THEM!”  
“Do you think they eat hamburger meat?” I mused aloud, ignoring his comment.  
“I think they’ll eat you.” He said.  
“Oh the lies you tell.” I ruffled Bud’s ears, and his tail wagged happily, “They’re my babies.”  
“I find it disturbing that you think of your wild beasts as children.”   
“Well, it’s the closest I’ll ever have to being a mom, so I might as well take it.” I shrugged.  
“What do you mean by that?”   
“What do you mean, what do I mean?” I raised my eyebrow quizzically.  
“No children…none at all?”   
“Um, no…” I said awkwardly, “Does that bother you or something?”  
“Well, yes, it does actually.” He frowned as Lou, who he had accidentally bumped with his foot, growled at him, “Do you think I’m not a suitable father figure?”  
“Are you seriously fucking with me right now? Every single fiber of my womanly being tells me that you are biologically and psychologically not father material. I can’t even believe you even considered that that would happen between us considering the life we lead. That would be the most fucked-up child ever put on earth.”   
“I don’t know how you can expect me to not be offended by that.”  
“How are you offended by biological and psychological facts?”   
“You emphasize your background in psychology entirely too much.” He put on a simpering face and said in a high-pitched, mocking voice, “My name is Harley and because I have a bullshit doctor title, I think I know everything!”  
“Hey now, I earned that doctorate!” I snapped, standing up, and Bud yelped as he jumped to the ground. I cried, “Oh pookie, I’m sorry!” I scooped him up and hugged him close to me, “No more yelling. You’re scaring the babies.”  
“How about you stop yelling?!” he exclaimed, “You’re completely missing the point that I am angry at the fact that you don’t want to have children with me!”   
“I don’t know why you’re pissed off about it! It’s not like you planned on having kids with me!”  
He fell disturbingly silent at that.  
“ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!” my jaw dropped as far as it would allow me to, “Seriously?! What indication have I ever given you that I want to have children? Um…let me think…how about NONE.”  
“So you’d rather keep hyenas and treat them like children than have a human baby with me?”  
“Well, obviously!” I held up Bud, who stared at the Joker skeptically, “Look at his eyes, so brown and liquid-y. How can you be mad at this face?”  
“I’m not mad at the hyenas. I’m mad at you for taking the hyenas without asking me.”  
“Well, I’m taking care of them, not you. You haven’t offered to help.” I said curtly.  
“For Chrissakes, Harley, you are driving me crazy! Will you actually address what I am asking you to address?”  
“I told you a long time ago. I don’t want children. I’ve never wanted children. Babies just freak me out. They have soft heads and require way too much care. And even if I wanted them, it wouldn’t be with you. You are an unfit wannabe father. You are a criminal who wears make-up and yells at me at the slightest provocation. I am a criminal who follows you around and dresses in latex. I can’t exactly see us moving to the suburbs and having a golden retriever with a white picket fence and leather couches and a Dodge Grand Caravan parked in the garage! It makes no sense. I’d rather it would be just us and we can live our lives out the way we want, and then retire to like Hawaii and not give a shit, ok? Can’t you just honor my request?” I sighed, sitting on the couch, legs curled up under me.  
“I don’t know what to think.” He said quietly, “I know you’ve brought up the fact that you didn’t want children before, but I guess I wasn’t listening because I thought it would pass.”  
“It’s been like 3 years. I haven’t changed my mind and I’m not going to. Just let it go.”   
“I might have to, I guess.” He sighed so deeply and so sadly that I put Bud down next to Lou. They very sweetly curled up together and started dozing off again. I then put my arms around Mr. J, and squeezed him tightly. He relaxed a little, and put his arms around me; I knew then that he wasn’t too mad at me.  
I kissed his cheek, “Come on, wouldn’t you rather have me forever? I’m not going anywhere.”  
“I don’t know if I believe that.”   
“Look, I know I was so flighty in the past, but Bruce and I are kaput. I’m never going back. I chose you, and we’ll leave it at that. I’m just happy being here and vandalizing and terrorizing the greater Gotham area.” I grinned, “It’s pretty fun.”  
He chuckled, “Yes, yes it is, and I have to admit that I am content with our situation…finally. We can put this aside for another time. It’s really not that important right now.”   
My cell phone vibrated in my pocket, and the Joker jumped a little. I looked at it, “Pam.”  
“That’s my cue to go eat breakfast.” He said, standing up. He kissed me on the top of my head and exited.  
I picked up the phone and Pam exclaimed into it, “Harley, I have big news!”  
“You’re already married so that rules that out. Are you guys getting a cat or something?” I teased.  
“Come on, you know Mr. Winkles would freak if we got another cat.” Pam said dismissively, “He loves Lina entirely too much. I digress…Lina and I decided to have a baby!”  
“Whoa, you mean like…” my voice trailed off. I couldn’t even finish my thought I was so speechless.  
“Like a baby.” She said.  
“Why in the world are you two planning to have a baby? You’re fucking super-villains!” I was tweaking out only a little a lot right now.  
“Debbie Downer much,” Pam snorted derisively, “I thought you were my best friend…”  
“Don’t pull that crap on me.” I snapped, “You always try to guilt me into apologizing and you know it doesn’t work.”  
“I’ll make you godmother.” She thought that was enticing somehow.  
“That literally solves nothing that I’m referring to,” I was exasperated, “You’re being rather cavalier about all of this. Haven’t you guys only been married for less than a year? Don’t you want to be alone for a while? Take vacations, buy furniture, I don’t know…stuff married people do…just not having a baby. Good God.”   
“You hate babies; that’s why you’re mad.”  
“I just had this conversation with him, too. Does everyone think my uterus is a ticking time bomb or something?”  
“Stop being dramatic, Harley; you’re negative attention-seeking.”  
“I happen to know what that is! I don’t have a PhD for nothing!”  
“Well neither do I! DUR!” Pam shouted into the phone, “You always conveniently forget about that!”  
I made some frustrated noise, and fell silent for a moment.  
“Are you there, Harley?”   
“Yeah, yeah, I’m here.” I acknowledged, “I just have a question.”  
“Ok, I’ll answer whatever questions you may have.” Pam said as patiently as she could muster.  
“Why do you guys want to have a baby so fast? I mean, you guys have done everything so quickly in this relationship. You got married after 2 months, for God’s sake! You don’t know a person after only 2 months!”   
“Oh, so now we’re getting somewhere. Let it all out, hon, let it all out.” Pam encouraged, “I want to hear this.”  
“I mean, did you really fall in love after 2 months? I couldn’t even I admit that I loved him after like 3 years!” I said exasperatedly.  
“TRUTH!” yelled the Joker from the kitchen.  
“Look, with Lina and me, we just knew, ok? It’s not like we were in any rush to get married, we just wanted to. Is that so hard to accept, oh cynical best friend of mine?”   
“Yes, that is hard to accept, thank you very much. You don’t even tell me that you guys were dating! I mean, how long were you guys even exclusive, like a minute?!”  
“We were exclusive for a month and a half, if you have to know. The first couple weeks were a trial period. You have to know that we are really happy being married, if you even give a shit.” Pam said indignantly.  
“Now who’s being dramatic?” I retorted.  
“Look, Harley, I…”  
“Pam, all I am saying is that I just can’t see any reason for someone to rush into a marriage other than – HOLY SHIT SELINA IS PREGNANT, ISN’T SHE?!” I was basically knocked in the face by the light-bulb of realization.  
“No, no…” Pam said all too unconvincingly.  
“Oh my god, that’s totally it! Selina is pregnant! You’re not even thinking about having a baby. You’re already having one!” I glanced up as the Joker peered out of the kitchen, spoon of cereal still in his mouth, ‘Go away’ I mouthed.  
“I’m not missing this for anything!” he said, grabbing his bowl of cereal and sitting down next to me, leaning in to hear Pam’s endless excuses.  
“Well, Selina just wanted to make sure the child had parents and we loved each other anyway so we just decided to get married and…”  
I cut her off, “Who’s the father?”  
“Oh come on, Harley…”  
“Well, I think we can rule out you unless you’ve managed to grow a penis in the last 5 months. Who is the father?” I repeated.  
“You don’t want to know.” Pam said uncomfortably.  
“Do you even know me at all? I watch E! News 24/7 and am addicted to reality television. This is as about as good as it gets for me right now. Can I guess? Was it some random drunk hippie?” I was literally hiccupping this was so utterly exciting.  
“Where in God’s name does your mind go? No, it was not a drunk hippie.”   
“Was it…the mayor? Some local celebrity? Was it that really weird but strangely attractive guy who does the sports segment on Channel 9? Was it someone embarrassing? TELL ME PLEASE. I’m dying over here!” I may have been bouncing on the balls of my feet at this point while the Joker and my hyenas were staring at me like I was out of my damn mind.  
“I told you already. You are not going to like it.”  
I stopped dead, “No, you’re fucking with me.”  
“I’m afraid I’m not.”  
“It can’t be his. There’s no way.”   
“Yes, there is. You guys were broken up when it happened. I’m really sorry, Harley.”  
“There is literally nothing you can say to me right now to make it better. I’ll call you later.” I said curtly and promptly hung up.  
The Joker stared at me quizzically, “What’s going on, babe?”  
I balled up my fists, knuckles turning white from the pressure, “Selina is having Bruce’s baby.”


	2. You Don't Care a Bit

Chapter 2: You Don’t Care a Bit

Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth  
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper cutouts  
Speak no feeling, no I don’t believe you  
You don’t care a bit, you don’t care a bit  
\- “Hide and Seek”, Imogen Heap 

One week later…  
I looked up as I saw Bruce hurriedly heading across the plaza toward Wayne Enterprises; I was inconspicuously disguised as a blonde woman in a trench-coat with sunglasses. It was really classy. I promise. Anyway, Bruce looked a little distressed this morning, I had to admit. I quietly folded up my newspaper that I was fake reading and followed him slowly.  
Now, I suppose the Joker did not exactly approve of me confronting Bruce about this, but he knew that I had to do it. I really actually didn’t want to talk to Bruce at first. It was the Joker who suggested it because he knew that even though I was pissed off and belligerent now, I would make his life hell by trying to be passive aggressive and saying I didn’t care at all when I actually really did care. He told me it would be best to get it out of my system.  
I honestly wasn’t sure what to say to Bruce at this point. I just knew I had to say something. Bruce had been such a huge part of my life. I can’t say that I didn’t think that whole thing was fucking doomed from the start, but we gave it a good run. It just didn’t exactly sit well with me that he was god damn stupid enough to get someone pregnant, let alone it be my best friend’s wife. God almighty, my life needs to be filmed. It would certainly make an addictive soap opera.  
As I waited for the elevator after Bruce had gone up to his office, my mind started racing in all kinds of crazy directions. Something that immediately came to mind was, does Bruce even know about the pregnancy? I had talked to Pam later that day after I had stopped hyperventilating and had something greasy to eat to settle my stomach, and she told me Selina was nearing 4 months along, which was why she had decided to tell me since they knew it was for sure. Pam was a saint for putting up with that crap. I just didn’t peg her for the type who would just settle down and get real with someone so quickly. It didn’t matter now, I guess. What’s done is done.   
I got off the elevator and headed for Bruce’s office, basically on autopilot. I came to his door, took a deep breath, and knocked decisively and firmly. I knew I had to keep my cool or this was going to go to shit real fast.  
“Come in!” he called, and the sound of his voice sent an instant cold fear throughout my body. Was I doing the right thing by going to him?  
I shook away my nagging thoughts and just opened the door. He was sitting at his desk, scribbling away on a legal pad, “Hi, Bruce.”  
His head jerked up and his eyes were as wide as could be; he jumped up from his desk, sending his pad flying to the floor, “Oh my god, Harley!”  
I shut the door behind me, “Yeah, that’s me.”  
He bent down to pick up the pad of paper and just stared at me for a moment, “What are you doing here?”  
“I guess that’s a legit question.” I sighed, and sat down in the chair across from his desk, “I have a little dilemma.”  
“Oh God, don’t tell me you’ve left him again and you want to get back together, please.” He groaned audibly, “I seriously think you’re going to put me in cardiac arrest someday.”  
I was irritated at the assumption, “Um, no, that’s not it at all. I just came here for a very friendly chat about – oh, I don’t know – the fact that your spawn is growing inside Selina right now.”  
His face drained of all color, “How did you find out?”  
“Pam.”  
“Of course, why didn’t I guess? That woman should be working for a tabloid she gets word out about things so fast.” Bruce sighed deeply, “Harley, I wish I could have told you myself.”  
“I don’t know what good that would have done.” I shrugged, “She’s keeping the baby and Pam’s going to take care of it. You owe her.”  
“Well aware of that,” Bruce rubbed his temples, “I told her I’d help her take care of it if she wanted me to, but she said she refuses to ever let the baby know that I’m the father. She wants it to grow up with her and Pam. I offered her money, she wouldn’t take it. I told her I’d pay every cent of her hospital and doctor bills as they arise, and she refused. I don’t know what to do.”  
“Well, do you want to be a part of the baby’s life?” I inquired, “Or are you just offering the help to make yourself feel better?”  
“A little of both,” he admitted, “If I don’t end up ever having children, that baby could be my only heir to the Wayne fortune. I don’t want to cut that tie. I don’t want that child to grow up without the finest care that money can buy. I’m no deadbeat.”  
“I know you’re not.” I meant that very honestly. Bruce, even though he was a huge dick for cheating on me, was a pretty stand-up guy in most ways, “But at the same time, Pam and Selina have a huge stash piled up from previous exploits. That child will not want for anything; I can promise you that. Plus they already asked me to be godmother.”  
Bruce stared at me for a moment, raising his eyebrow skeptically.  
“Well, Pam bribed me with being godmother so I wouldn’t strangle Selina. I have a soft spot for children…that aren’t my own.” I finished quickly as I saw Bruce was about to snort very derisively in my face for that comment, and then added curtly, “You’re the one who’s fucking stupid and impregnated her so you are in no place to judge me right now, buddy!”  
“No judgment here.” He shrugged, and he put his face in his hands, sighing audibly, “Oh, Harley, what a mess.”  
“You’re telling me. I thought I was rid of you, but apparently I’m stuck with this future godchild who has your DNA for the rest of eternity, so there you go.” I grabbed his hand, “I was really, really pissed off at first Bruce, but I’m glad to see that you aren’t being cavalier about it. I am happy that you want to be involved in this child’s life. Most men aren’t so generous.”  
He suddenly shoved my hand away, catching me off guard, “Harley, don’t you even think about anyone’s opinions besides your own?”  
“What is that supposed to mean?” I was completely confused.  
“I wanted to have a child with you before, in case you were wondering! And now you’re all, ‘I love kids’ and ‘I’m happy you want to be a dad’?! Are you fucking kidding me?! I’m guessing you’d at least allow the clown that satisfaction to be a man and carry on his line!”  
“What year is this, 1450?” I retorted, “And he is not the clown, you know his name is the Joker or Mr. J, ok? Can you at least call him that and stop being petty? And number two; I am not giving him that satisfaction! I am not having his child either! I am having NOBODY’S BABY.”  
I couldn’t believe I was having the same freaking conversation within a week of each other. Why does everyone suddenly want to have babies with me? Am I in heat or something? Jesus.  
“I’m not saying I want you to have my baby right now!” Bruce said, exasperated, “Have you always been this difficult or I am just seeing it because we’re not together?”   
“I’m pretty difficult, I have to admit.” I shrugged nonchalantly, “Whatcha gonna do.”  
“Have you noticed that you always come to me and fuck things up?” Bruce leaned against his desk, “That seems to be a pattern with us.”  
“UH, excuse me?” I put my finger and had to resist shaking my neck at him, “I don’t think so, dude. You’re the one who keeps fucking things up and it’s pretty much because of your involvement with the pussy bitch.”  
“Now who’s being petty?” he looked down his nose at me, “She’s your best friend’s wife, you know. You should be a little nicer to her, considering clearly she wanted to have my kid instead of leaving me at the altar.”  
“Oh, oh, ok, you want to play that game, then. Bruce, how does it feel to know you’ll never get to call that kid your son or daughter and watch other people raise him from a distance? Huh?” I knew I was hitting below the belt, but I couldn’t stop myself.  
He just stared at me for a long, tense moment, and finally said, “Harley, get out. I do not want to punch a woman, but with you I feel very close to doing it.”   
“Fuck you, I didn’t want to stay anyway.” I snapped, “I’ll see you at the baby shower.” And with that, I stormed out of the office, slamming the door behind me.  
God, I hated him. Why did I ever love that man? As I stormed toward the elevator, ire clouding my normal sunny disposition (oh wait, just kidding), the reasons were becoming dimmer and dimmer every day. I hated everything he did. I just couldn’t deal with his shit anymore. I really couldn’t at this point. This was just the final straw. How dare he get some other woman pregnant and then bitch about how I wouldn’t have kids with him? Is that why he cheated, because I am so against procreation? Since when is it a crime that a woman doesn’t want to have kids? Come on now.  
I audibly sighed in exasperation. I just needed to go home and cuddle with my hyenas. That would just make my day infinitely better.   
…  
When the Joker came home from his henchmen meeting at the new warehouse, I was sprawled against the couch watching a scrambled marathon of America’s Next Top Model on what I could barely discern as the Bravo network, Bud and Lou dozing softly next to me. He shook his head in amusement and took off his jacket, leaning down to kiss my head, “You look comfortable. Bad day?”  
“What have I told you about kissing me with your make-up still on?” I made a disgusted face, “You know how hard it is to get it out of my hair.”  
“Yeah, that indicates bad day to me.” He straightened, “I will take this off and then come talk to you. Is that alright, Princess?”  
“Fuck you.”  
“I take that as a yes.” He then disappeared into our master bathroom.   
After about 15 minutes, he returned, face freshly without make-up which I always preferred; he was so handsome without it that I never understood why he covered it up, but it was his persona, I guess. He reached for Bud, whose head was lying against my leg, and Bud growled.  
“They’re never going to like me.” He pouted.  
“They just sense that you don’t like them.” I shrugged, and I said authoritatively, “Bud, Lou, bed.” And they immediately went to their little dog beds and curled up.  
“Damn, you should train horses or something.” The Joker said, impressed, “Now, why are you having such a bad day?”  
“Bruce,” I said curtly.  
“Ah, I should have known. He seems to be the root of all your woes.” He put his head on my shoulder, “Tell me what happened this time.”  
“He’s all, ‘oh I know Selina is pregnant and I want to be a dad’ and ‘why wouldn’t have you kids with me, Harley’ and blah blah, I lost interest. I was really mad and just told him he’d be a shitty dad and I was glad he would never get to see his kid.” I said, all in one breath.   
“Well, that’s certainly a lot of drama.” He said, raising an eyebrow, “Why would he still be thinking about the fact that you didn’t have kids with him?”  
“I have no fucking clue. He’s out of his damn mind. I think he’s just mad because Selina wants nothing to do with him. I don’t blame her entirely. It’s not like they need him or his money. He thinks that being a dad just means giving the kid all these toys and shit, but there’s more to being a parent than that.” I sighed, “I don’t know; maybe that’s what he thought about his own parents, and I know my parents were at fault for spoiling us rotten too, but he should want to be a dad and want the responsibility of raising that kid and teaching him morals and values and religious stuff or something. It’s stupid that he thinks it’s all about money. That’s all he knows, that dumb ass-hole.”   
“I think you’re reading too much into this.” He said slowly.  
“You’re talking to the former therapist, you know. Overanalyzing is kinda my thing.” I said, exasperated, “You should know that by now.”  
“I do know that and I was hoping you’d kick the habit, but you never seem to.”   
“It’s not exactly easy.” I slunk further down into the couch, “I just can’t believe this is happening.”  
“That you can’t kick the habit or that Bruce is going to be a father?”   
I merely stared at him until he finally said, “The Bruce is a father thing.”  
“Bingo, puddin’.” I made a gun gesture and pretended to shoot him.  
“Puddin’?” he asked skeptically.  
“I don’t know, I heard it somewhere and thought I’d try it out. How did it go?”   
“It went abysmally. I suggest that you never use it again.”   
“I’m going to use it all the time on purpose…puddin’.” I grinned.  
“I love and hate you at the same time.”   
“Funny, that’s pretty much I feel about you.”   
“I’m glad we’re on the same page on that one.”   
“Yeah, me too,” I affirmed, “Now, what are we going to do about this Bruce business?”  
“I think you just need to accept it and move on, babe. If she’s keeping the baby, there’s not too much you can do about it other than support your friend, and by that I refer to Pam, just wanted to clarify. I know you don’t support 99 percent of what Selina does.”   
“It’s because she’s a skanky slut-whore.” I grumbled.  
“My, we are so very mature.” He chuckled.  
“You think the same damn thing, so don’t be a hypocrite.” I said, pointing an accusing finger at him, “I’ve heard your ass say on many occasions that Selina is a whore-bag.”  
“I don’t deny it. I just expect at least one of us to be mature about this and it’s pretty pathetic that it’s going to have to end up being me.” The Joker shrugged, standing up, “Want a drink? I’m going to make myself a whiskey and Coke.”  
“Rum and Coke, I guess.” I followed him to the kitchen, leaning on the island as he poured our drinks, “I just don’t understand what got into both of them. I know Selina is very persuasive and all, but how could he possibly have been so entranced that he forgot to put on a condom? It makes no sense.”  
“People make mistakes.” He said, handing me my drink. He always made mine first, which I thought was rather gallant in my strange messed-up little mind.  
“I think I need to get to the bottom of this.” I said, “I will ask Pam if she knows any of the details.”  
“Like Pam would want to know about her wife having sex with a man. It’s just uncomfortable, not unlike this conversation.”   
I gave him a dead-pan look, “Hey, I’m just curious.”  
“You know what I’m going to say to that.”  
“In this case, I hope curiosity does kill the god damn cat.”  
Without any word, the Joker put out his fist, “You must bump this.”  
I bumped it and we both made a ‘pow’ sound.  
Are we the world’s greatest couple or what?


	3. I'm a Sinner

Chapter 3: I’m a Sinner

I’m gonna lace up my boots  
Throw on some leather and cruise  
Down the streets that I love  
In my fishnet gloves, I’m a sinner  
\- “Marry the Night,” Lady Gaga 

It was a good solid 2 or 3 weeks before I could get the courage up to see my best friend and her wife. I was able to get together with Pam a couple times for lunch or for coffee, but she was getting kind of pissed that I wasn’t involved in this whole pregnancy business.   
“Um, you know you’re going to be the godmother, right?” Pam was saying to me one afternoon over macchiatos at our favorite coffee place by me and the Joker’s apartment, “I am not letting my future child not have some spiritual guidance.”  
“Yeah, because I am such a spiritual leader, the fucking Dalai Lama over here,” I said sarcastically, pointing at myself.  
“Harley, come on,” Pam rolled her eyes, “Just take it as a compliment. I want you to be in our lives forever, and most people would be very happy and honored to become a godmother.”  
“Believe me, honey, I’m feeling both of those things right now, but I just don’t know how to support Selina having Bruce’s kid.” I shrugged, “I’m starting to feel better about it, but it’s still a strange concept to me.”  
“And believe me, Harley; I know how you’re feeling about it. I was confused and bothered at first, but I love Selina and I wasn’t going to leave her over that. I’ve always wanted to have kids and I guess this was just our golden opportunity, so we had to take it.”   
“I don’t blame you.” I said, “I do understand. I just feel like everyone is bombarding me with these baby feelings and it sucks. I really don’t like it.”  
“I know, I know,” Pam nodded in acknowledgment, “But you didn’t have to go to Bruce about it. He was super upset with you and he called Selina and bitched at her for like an hour. She told him to go fuck himself and that he didn’t shut the fuck up then she would just cut him out of the baby’s life completely.”  
I actually had some respect for Selina after hearing that, but I wasn’t about to tell Pam that.  
“Well, good for her,” I said after a bit of contemplation.  
Pam downed the last of her coffee, and looked down at her watch, “I’d better head out. Selina has a doctor’s appointment in like half an hour and I have to go with her.” She got a teary look in her eyes, “We’re going to find out the sex today.”  
“Wow, that’s exciting!” I hoped my comment didn’t sound ridiculously fake, because it sounded like that in my head.  
“Yes, yes it is,” she smiled widely, “Come over tonight and we’ll tell you, ok? I want it to be a surprise to everyone!”   
We both stood up and embraced quickly, and Pam rushed off, “I’ll call you!”  
“Ok, bye!” I waved as she sashayed out the door as usual. I sat down, quietly finishing my coffee. Finding out the sex of the baby just seemed so…final. I was curious what it would be.  
…  
“It’s a boy.” Selina said, smiling and rubbing her rounding belly.  
“Ugh, bringing another penis monster into this world. Fabulous,” I sighed, “But congratulations.”  
“We’re thinking Edward Kyle-Isley.” Pam kissed Selina’s cheek, “We thought of throwing ‘Wayne’ in there somewhere, but we were afraid it would make the parentage a bit obvious.”  
“Yeah, just a little.” I drawled, “How is the pregnancy treating you?”  
Selina settled herself onto the couch as Pam went to the kitchen, “Babe, grab me a glass of water. I’m dehydrated as balls over here.”  
Pam rolled her eyes, “Yes, mein Fuhrer.”  
“Hey!” Selina retorted indignantly, but then stopped for a moment, contemplative, “Well, yeah, maybe you’re right. My mood swings are terrifying.”  
“At the very least,” Pam handed her a glass of water, which Selina chugged unceremoniously, “Keep our little Edward happy.”  
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” she said dismissively, “I really hope this doesn’t come back up in five minutes. You remember what happened when we ate that Thai food a few days ago.”  
Pam shuddered, “I’d prefer to forget”. She leaned over, whispering in a very non-secretive way, “It was like that scene from Bridesmaids up in here.”  
“It was coming out from both ends.” Selina agreed.  
I am pretty sure the look on my face was a mixture of revulsion, confusion, and a good solid dose of just plain what-the-fuck.  
“Ok, something I’ll never erase from my memory.” I said, “Thanks a lot, ladies. Besides the epic bouts on the toilet, is it good otherwise?”  
“Oh, yeah, yeah,” Selina nodded vehemently, “It’s an interesting feeling, knowing you have like a person growing inside of you. It’s been rough on Pam, though, doing the super villain errands alone these days. I can’t possibly go out in pregnant looking like a fat whore.”  
“You are not a fat whore.” Pam assured her, taking the empty water bottle from Selina’s hands.  
“I am such a fat whore.” Selina whined, “Pammy, you know how I feel about this belly. I know it’s going to take me like a million years to lose weight, and I am not going to be the one who lets it all go in this relationship.”  
“So, you assumed I would?” Pam asked, bemused.  
“You seem more the motherly type.” Selina shrugged.  
“I do kind of agree with that, now that I think about it. You’ve certainly got the tits for it.” I laughed, and pointed at my own, “Big boobs brigade over here. Sorry, Selina, you’re not included in that.”  
Selina glanced down at her own chest, “You have to admit they have gotten a lot bigger since I got pregnant.”  
Pam made some sort of indiscernible sexual noise and I did my best not to throw up.  
“God, could you even imagine if I got pregnant? My boobs would be the size of fucking watermelons.” I said, my eyes widening in horror.  
“I bet the J-man would like that.” Selina said, wiggling her eyebrows.  
“Yeah well, that’s never going to happen. I plan on giving my full attention to my future godson. I will spoil the little man rotten.”  
“Yeah, speaking of the godson business…” Selina said, her voice trailing off as she looked up at Pam.  
“Pam, what does she mean?” I asked hesitantly.  
“Um, since he doesn’t exactly get to play the role that he wants to in the baby’s life, we were thinking about asking Bruce to be the godfather.” Pam bit her lip, “Are you going to be ok with that?”  
“You seriously thought that I was going to be ok with that?” I said, raising an eyebrow, “Have you already asked him?”  
“No, we thought we’d run it by you first and see if you were comfortable with it.” Selina interjected, “We thought that would be best.”  
“I’m glad you guys waited,” I said truthfully, “Um…I guess I’m fine with that. I understand that he wants to be involved somehow and if that is the way you have to do it, I get it. I don’t want Bruce to be miserable. I’m not that kind of mean ex-girlfriend.”   
“I think we kind of suspected you would be.” Pam said uneasily.  
“No, really, Pam, I need to grow up. I need to let this go.” I was surprising myself at how calm I was being, “Seriously, just ask him to be the godfather. It will make him happy.”  
Selina and Pam shared a not-so-clandestine look and then glanced back at me, and Pam said slowly, “If you’re sure, Harley…”  
“Yes, I’m sure.” I said firmly, “I really don’t want to cause any kind of trouble between you guys and Bruce. That’s not your problem.”  
Selina’s eyes filled with tears and she embraced me tightly, “Oh, Harley, I am so happy!”  
I sat there for a moment, totally paralyzed. Selina never showed emotion, in public or in private, and especially with me.   
Selina quickly released me, “Sorry, fucking hormones.”  
“It’s ok, don’t worry about it.” I said dismissively, “Babies do weird things to people.”  
“Are you sure you don’t want any?” Selina inquired.  
I shook my head, “No way. Maybe some time ago, I might have considered it, but my situation being what it is, I really don’t want to complicate it any further. I and Mr. J have really started to patch things up and gain a sense of normalcy, and I really want to stick with that as long as I can. We are on the way to having a serious and real relationship finally, and I don’t want to fuck it up like I’ve done in the past.”  
Pam and Selina nodded their heads in acknowledgment, but I knew that they were thinking the same thing I was; I was going to find some way to screw it up, and I knew for sure that a baby would never fix any problems that we would have. He and I never stayed happy for too long, so I anticipated something going horribly wrong in the next week or so. I think I was just so accustomed to things being fucked up that I didn’t know what normal was, as sad and pathetic as it was.   
Selina opened her mouth to say something, and then suddenly retched all over my blouse.  
…  
“So, I’m never getting pregnant.” I announced as I walked in the door.  
The Joker, who was in the kitchen reading the daily Gotham newspaper, called back, “You’ve said about 1800 times in the past week, but what is it this time?”  
I crossed the room and into the kitchen, dropping my purse down on the island. He handed me the newspaper, “They mentioned us, you know.”  
“Yippee!” I exclaimed, “What did they say?” I hurriedly thumbed through the newspaper, “Did they say that I look sexy?”  
“I say you look sexy.” He growled, grabbing my ass as he passed by me toward the fridge.  
“Hey now, I’m not just a sex object, mister.”   
“Is that so?” he chuckled, peering around in the fridge for whatever ungodly reason he had to be in there. The man was constantly snacking, yet still skinny as a rail. Damn men and their stupid testosterone.  
“Have I led you to believe otherwise?” I inquired.  
“Does the word ‘latex’ mean anything to you?” he was giving me judgment eyebrows.  
I flushed, “Whatever, dude. I do what I want.”  
He fell silent for a moment, and merely was staring down in my general breast direction.  
“I know my breasts are pretty fabulous, but what’s the specific occasion for staring at them?” I raised an eyebrow.  
“Do you have puke on your shirt?” he asked.  
“Yeah, this is my life.” I said, staring down at my shirt, “I hate everything.”  
“Why is there puke on your shirt?”   
“That is certainly a logical follow-up question.” I admitted, “Selina threw up on me.”  
“For vengeance?” he was puzzled.  
“No, because she is pregnant and horrible,” I pouted, “They’re having a boy, by the way.”  
“…and how do we feel about that?”  
“We are not sure yet.” I sighed, sitting heavily on one of the barstools in our kitchen, “I just imagine that child looking like Bruce and never being able to face that. Plus, he’s going to be the godfather.”  
“Well that’s awkward.”  
“You hit the nail on the head there, bub.” I put my head down on the counter, “I don’t know why I pretend to be so ok with all of this bullshit. I hate all of it. I hate that Bruce fucked Selina, I hate that she is so god damn fertile, I hate that Pam is being so supportive of the pregnancy and I hate that I have to be involved.”  
“You don’t have to be involved, Harley.” The Joker sat down next to me, and put his arm around me, “You can say no whenever you want. I think you just have a hard time saying it, especially to people you care about.”  
“I think you know me way too well.” I lifted my head, and kissed him swiftly, “I’m sorry.”  
“For what?”  
“For being really stupid, that’s what. Most men would probably have pushed me out a window by now.”   
“Who’s to say that that isn’t on the agenda?” he teased.  
“Yeah well you’re a jerk.” I retorted, “Can you just listen to me?”  
“I’m listening.” He smiled, “How do you feel about Bruce being the godfather?”  
“Ah yes, that’s what I was going on about. I’m glad you can follow my train of thought.”  
“I think I’m about the only person in the world that can, dear.”  
“Shut up. Anyway, I mean I’m not as mad as I could be because they actually consulted me before doing it, you know? They could have not said anything and then I would have been like what the fuck. I told them that they could because it is their child and I have nothing to do with that part of the business. Bruce is the father, so he has a right to be involved. He’d freak the fuck out if they didn’t involve him.”   
“That makes sense.” He nodded in agreement, and stood up, “I’m going to tell Alex to order us a pizza. What do you want on it?”   
Alex was one of his henchmen that worked at a pizza parlor. He hooks us up. Don’t make fun. Vile criminals have to eat too, you know.  
“Pepperoni,” I replied, going into the living room to pet Bud and Lou, who were sleeping peacefully in their little dog beds that I got them. And by I got them I mean that one of the Joker’s henchmen got them for me. I do nothing and it feels so good.  
“Gotcha,” he said and called Alex. He got into a conversation with him, and I sat on the floor, looking down at my hyenas. Bud opened his eyes, and saw me above him. He immediately began wagging his tail and got up, putting his paws on my chest and licking my face.  
“Oh, geez, Bud!” I laughed, pushing him off gently, “Such misbehaved boys I have!”  
When I stood up, the Joker was standing behind me with an all-too-familiar look in his eyes, “Does misbehaved boys include me?”  
I blew him a kiss, “You bet it does.”  
He rushed forward and swept me up, to which I eloquently cried, “UGH FUCK NO GRAVITY!”  
“Oh calm down, Harley. I’m putting you down in like 2 seconds.”  
“But what about the pizza?” All my fat ass ever worries about is food.  
“It will be here in 30 minutes. That’s plenty of time.”   
“Well, alright then. Rev up your Harley, baby.”  
He grinned, “Gladly.”


	4. A Woman Can Be Tough

Chapter 4: A Woman Can Be Tough

And each time I tell myself that I, well I think I’ve had enough  
But I’m gonna show you baby, that a woman can be tough  
I want you to come on, come on, come on, come on and take it,  
Take it! Take another little piece of my heart now baby!  
Oh, oh, break it!  
\- “Piece of My Heart”, Janis Joplin 

A little more than 2 months had passed since Pam and Selina had told me that Bruce was going to be the godfather of the little demon fetus, so I had decided at this point to just forgive and forget with Bruce and deal with my problems like an adult. I was feeling a bit guilty for putting my friends in an awkward position because I had to be so emotional and immature. I should know better than that. But really, I kind of live on my emotions. I think everyone has figured that out by now. Every time I try to be rational, it always blows up in my face. One day I just kind of woke up and was like, yeah maybe I need to just be civil with Bruce instead of being a bitch. I don’t want to be that creepy ex-girlfriend bitch that cares way too much about what her ex-boyfriend is doing. It’s just not fitting of a woman of my educational and socioeconomic background. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.  
I took the bus into the city and got off a couple blocks from Wayne Enterprises. It was a Tuesday afternoon and I figured Bruce wouldn’t be too busy. I was trying to work through what I was going to say in my head, but then realized it was stupid and that I was going to say what I needed to say when I was in the moment. Nothing you ever practice works out the way you want it to.  
I smiled at the receptionist as I walked in and then got into the elevator. Sometimes I wondered if his staff even knew I was kind of an accomplice to a super villain or if they just let it go because I used to be his fiancé. Really in general I just wonder how I get away with things in this city. I think the Gotham police must be a piece of shit because I wander around like I own the place and no one ever seems to say anything to the cops. Oh well.   
I got off at Bruce’s floor and walked up to his office. I listened at the door to see if he was on the phone and heard only the sound of typing on his laptop. I knocked on the door, and he called, “Come in!”  
“I heard you’re the godfather,” I said conversationally, “Had an offer they couldn’t refuse?”  
Bruce laughed in spite of himself, “God, that’s bad, Harley.”  
“You laughed, though,” I pointed out.  
“Yeah, yeah,” he said, “What are you doing here?”  
“I think we need to forgive each other, bury the hatchet, what have you.” I said down across from him, “It’s not good for the baby for us to be mad at each other.”  
“He won’t be here for another 4 months, you know, and even after birth he won’t exactly be cognizant of something like that.” Bruce shook his head, “I can’t believe it’s coming up so fast.”  
“I can’t wait for it to be over, honestly.” I said, inspecting my nails, “It’s taking a lot of time away from my friendships. I’m so damn bored these days.”  
As soon as I said the words, I knew I sounded like a complete brat. I was just trying to make conversation, but I knew immediately that Bruce wasn’t exactly going to love what I had just said.  
He looked at me hard, mouth set in a straight, thin line, “Come on, it’ll never be over. They are having a kid, Harley. It’s not temporary. It is a human being, not a pet. You think that things will be back to normal? You think Pam’s going to have coffee with you 4 times a week and go shopping? Those days are over, so you’d better enjoy them now.”  
“Sorry, I thought this was Bruce Wayne’s office, not Debbie Downer’s.” I said, rolling my eyes, “You need to chill out, bro. I’m well aware of what having a baby means-”  
“And how would you know?” he interjected, “Have you had a baby since the last time I saw you?”  
“I’m taking care of 2 hyenas, ok? That’s hard enough.” I snorted derisively, “Bud and Lou eat more and more every day. I’m gonna have to buy them an entire rhinoceros to keep them happy for like 3 days. But look at them!” I pulled out my iPhone and showed him my background, which was Bud and Lou licking my face, “They’re getting so big! I’m such a proud mama.”  
“So…you’ll take care of wild animals, but not a baby?”  
“Are we equating pets to babies? God you’re cruel.” I joked, looking at my phone, “I’m going to have to start walking them. They’re getting lazy, like me.”  
“Where the hell are you going to do that? I don’t think a woman walking two hyenas down 5th Avenue is going to go over real well.” Bruce remarked.  
“I’ll walk ‘em at night, like at 2 AM or something. I’ll sic ‘em on anyone who looks at me funny. They almost bit Mr. J’s arm off the other day because he put his hand on my leg. They’re certainly my little cock-blockers.” I said fondly.  
“Why in God’s name did you think I’d want to know that, Harley?” Bruce was aggravated; his eyes were narrowed and cold, “Why do you think I give a shit about you and the clown?”  
Well, this was going downhill real fucking fast. I knew I had stepped over the line with that last statement. Me and my damn word vomit.   
“I thought we were attempting to be friends, Bruce. I just came here to apologize and try to fix this so we could make things better for everyone…”   
“You think I want to be friends with you?!” his voice was rising with anger, “God damn it, Harley! I hate everything about this situation! I thought I’d never have to deal with you in a familiar way ever again. You realize I could just call the cops on you, tell them where you live? Get you two thrown in Arkham for the rest of your lives?! Yeah, well, I know I can. I can call them right now and arrest you here in this office.”   
“Come on, Bruce, you aren’t seriously going to do that.” I said uneasily.  
“Oh, are you afraid now?” Bruce smirked, “That’s not a good look on you.”  
“You’re being an ass-hole.” I said. I was genuinely getting concerned now.   
“Well, you’re a huge bitch, so we’re even.” He stood up.  
“Bruce, seriously,” I started backing toward up the office door, reaching, fumbling for the doorknob.  
“I don’t think you should leave just yet.” He was walking slowly, carefully.  
I tried the doorknob when I finally found it. Locked. Jesus Christ.  
“Bruce, come on, I’m sorry. You know I’m sorry for everything that has happened between us…that doesn’t mean you have to rat us out to the cops. We aren’t doing anything too horrible.” I was shocked at what was spewing out of my mouth. I imagined myself 3 years ago, my first day at Arkham. The worst thing I had ever done to date was get a speeding ticket when I was seventeen. Now look at me, saying that bank robbery and arson were not too horrible.  
“Anything too horrible?” he repeated in disbelief, “Do you ever listen to yourself?”  
I realized then that I could never go back to who I was. It was futile. I had to be Harley Quinn, the person I chose to be.  
“Fuck off.” I snapped.  
“Wrong answer,” Bruce was reaching into his suit jacket pocket for something.  
I jiggled the doorknob frantically. Miraculously, someone opened the door and I basically fell out of the room in a heap.  
I looked up at my savior, and it was some young, kind of cute guy with a pile of papers and files in his hands. He looked down at me, nonplussed, and rearranged the papers in his arms to lend me a hand. He smiled crookedly at me, “Hey there.”  
“Hi,” I said, and I looked around for a nametag but didn’t see one, “I’m Harley.”  
“Dick Grayson,” he said, “I’m an intern.”   
“Oh, that’s cool. Good for you. Wayne Enterprises seems like a great place to work.” I said, meanwhile glancing at Bruce, who was standing there looking like he was going to punch someone in the face, “Unfortunately, I need to get going. I’ll let you talk to your boss.”  
I then basically walked as fast as my heels could carry me toward the elevator.  
“Dude, Bruce, you banging her? If you are, then good choice,” I heard Dick say behind me.  
“Shut up.” Bruce snapped, “She’s just an old friend. Get in here so I can tell you what you need to do for me for the board meeting.”  
“Touchy today, huh, boss?” Dick teased and they went into his office, Bruce slamming the door behind him.  
I didn’t have much time to revel in the teenager’s compliments because I was too busy trying to get the hell out of this building before Bruce called security on me or something. I hustled my way out of there and onto the street. I got a couple of blocks away and then ducked into a little local corner market and pulled out my cell and dialed.  
“That was quick.” He answered.  
“It was a complete disaster,” I groaned, “He freaked out on me and almost threatened to call the police. He freaking cornered me in his office and I think he was going to pull like a knife on me or something.”  
“HE WHAT?!” I had to hold the phone away from his face as he started going on a tirade about how big of an ass-hole Bruce was and what horrible evil things he was going to do to him.  
“Babe, I’m fine, I promise. I high-tailed it out of there and I’m going to come home soon. I just wanted to let you know.”  
“I’m glad you’re safe and unhurt but at the same time, how fucking dare he do that to you? He’s gone completely insane! Bruce may be a vigilante but he’s not one to hurt women in any way. What the hell did you say to him to make him act like that?”   
“I’ll explain when I get home. Maybe you’ll be able to tell me what went wrong, because even I’m not exactly sure.” I said, “I’ll see you soon.”  
“Alright, I love you.”  
“Bye,” I hung up.  
I meandered around the corner store and felt bad that I didn’t intend to buy anything, so I gave in and bought a bottle of Coke. I caught the bus back toward our apartment and made the trek up the four flights of stairs to the door. We had long since moved to a different apartment, one with no rickety stupid elevator that I was terrified of; that’s why I really wasn’t that worried about Bruce calling the cops on us. He thought we still lived at that shit-hole. We moved ourselves on up and paid for the apartment in cash to avoid using debit cards or checks. It might have looked shady, but the landlord seemed even shadier than us and that was saying something. I say don’t judge lest ye be judged, bro.   
Anyway, I walked into the apartment and the Joker was sitting on the couch bemusedly watching Bud and Lou rolling around and wrestling with each other in the corner.   
“Sometimes they’re actually ok.” He remarked.  
I smiled, and put my purse down on the end table next to the door. I clapped my hands, and Bud and Lou looked up happily.   
“Come, boys.” I said authoritatively. The hyenas immediately stopped fighting and ran to me. They sat firmly on their bottoms and stared up at me. I squealed and leaned down, “My boys are so good! Mommy loves you! You guys get a little treat!”  
At the mention of ‘treat’, their tails wagged vehemently and they followed me into the kitchen, almost clawing at my thighs impatiently. I handed them both dog bones and they bolted to go sit down in their dog beds and gnaw on them for a good while.   
I sat down on the couch and picked up one of our magazines to thumb through and after a moment, I looked up to see Mr. J peering at me expectantly.  
“What do you want, puddin’?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.  
“I thought we agreed that that nickname wasn’t going to happen.”   
“In my world it’s happening.” I shrugged.  
“All joking aside, what the hell were you telling me about earlier? Do I have to hire someone to kill Bruce Wayne?”   
“I would strongly prefer you didn’t.” I said, frowning, putting my magazine down.  
“Why not?”  
“You’re just looking for an excuse at this point, I think.”   
“Well, obviously!” he exclaimed, “Did he threaten you?”  
“I tried to leave and he kinda backed me up against the door, and then he started going through his pockets for something, and luckily I got saved by his intern.”   
“What do you mean by ‘saved’?” his eyes narrowed.  
“Oh, don’t get all jealous boyfriend on me. I mean that he opened the door and I kinda tumbled out onto the ground, and then managed to get away because clearly Bruce didn’t want to do anything in front of his intern. That would sort of ruin his cover, don’t you think?”   
“Well, yeah, I guess that makes sense…”  
“Although maybe you should be jealous,” I poked him in the arm, “His intern thought I was hot. If I wasn’t utterly terrified for my life, I would have been like damn, I still got it.”   
“How old is this guy?”   
“I don’t know, probably like 17 or 18 it looked like. Why?” I inquired.  
“Ah, the older woman thing,” the Joker chuckled.  
“Older?!” I repeated indignantly, “I’m 29, for goodness sake!”  
“Well, last time I checked, someone in this room will be 30 soon, and…” he said in a stage whisper, “Hint: it isn’t me.”  
I was flustered, “Dude, I don’t care. Being 30 is awesome. How old are you?”  
“I’m not telling you.”   
“For real? I don’t even know your freaking name, where you’re from, or anything about your life before me in general, but you won’t even tell me your age?!”   
“Ok, I will concede in saying that I am in the 26-31 range. Is that good enough for you?”   
“Well…um…I guess that’s good enough for now. It’s the closest personal detail you’ve ever told me. Is that sad?”  
“Absolutely pathetic.” He said, kissing me. When I heartily returned the kiss, he took this as an initiative to start putting his hands on my neck, and then slowly down to my shoulders and he was getting quite dangerously close to the breast area.   
“Will I ever learn your name?” I asked breathlessly as he finally got to the aforementioned area.  
“I prefer anonymity.” He said, quickly pushing up my top and kissing my stomach.  
“If we’re going to do this, can I at least put Bud and Lou in the other room? I feel bad that they’re watching.”  
“Seriously, Harley, they don’t know what they’re watching.” He began to reach for the button on my jeans when I jumped up and ran to the hyenas.  
“Shield your eyes, boys!” I cooed to them, and shuffled them into the kitchen and out of sight.   
“These beasts will be cock-blocking me forever.” The Joker mumbled grumpily.  
I turned to face him, and suddenly just removed every bit of clothing still left on me, “Not today they’re not.”  
He grinned, and crooked his finger at me, “Get over here, beautiful.”  
“Gladly,” and then some really X-rated stuff happened. Biggest copout on a sex scene in a story ever. I know.


	5. Fill Me with Your Poison

Chapter 5: Fill Me with Your Poison

Kiss me, kiss me  
Infect me with your love and  
Fill me with your poison  
Take me, take me  
Wanna be your victim  
\- “E.T.”, Katy Perry feat. Kanye West 

“Oh my God, look at our little man!” Pam beamed and shoved a photo in my face as I opened the door to the hotel room in which they were currently squatting. They were able to bribe the hotel manager or bodily threaten him as long as 4 or 5 months to stay in places before he couldn’t make excuses anymore for them being there. Most of them he just said they were very wealthy heiresses who needed to go incognito or something and that lie tended to buy them some time before people got suspicious. Now since Selina was starting to bulge from pregnancy and there was no father figure in the picture, I think they were starting to ask more questions than Pam and Selina were prepared to answer, so they just tended to leave now after a few weeks in a place.   
Anyway, currently they were staying at a pretty ritzy hotel in downtown Gotham near the business district. I was coming over to hang out and get my America’s Next Top Model marathon fix, and also just to gab about life. I secretly hoped Selina wasn’t there sometimes just because I had to endure so much baby and pregnancy talk and it made me very irritated. However, my dreams were not meant to come true because Selina was sitting in the kitchen, munching on Chex Mix.   
“If you would get that out of my face, I could actually see the picture.” I said, grabbing the picture from her hands.  
“Don’t rip it!” she exclaimed.  
“I’m not going to rip it, calm down.” I rolled my eyes. I stared down at it; it was an ultrasound photo and mostly it just kind of looked like an alien with a very obvious penis appendage.   
“It’s a good photo, isn’t it?” she smiled, pointing down at it, “They were able to make out some of his fingers and toes, too, isn’t that great? I told Lina that he’s going to be so handsome.”  
“I don’t think you can tell something like that from an ultrasound photo, Pam.” I handed back to her, “But he looks like he is well-formed and healthy, and that’s a good thing.”  
“She’s just going overboard.” Selina said, coming into the living room. She had on a loose, long-sleeved cotton maternity dress and slippers; her belly was slightly more rounded than when I had last seen her a couple weeks ago.  
“Do you guys have a specific due date?” I asked, settling onto the couch.  
“December 22nd is the official date they gave us, so we’re thinking it’ll be right around Christmas.” Selina replied, and winced, “He’s turning again.”  
“Very active child?” I chuckled.  
“Ugh, if he doesn’t come out kicking and screaming his lungs out, I will be surprised. He moves so much.” She groaned, “Some nights I only get a couple hours of sleep because he clearly wants that. I hope it’s different when he’s actually born.”  
“It would be just your luck that he will never sleep.” I grinned.   
“God help me.” Selina threw her head back, resting it against the couch, and then sat up with visible effort, “I’m already tired of this pregnancy. Mostly I’m so bored because I can’t do anything at all. Pam won’t let me move one inch out of her sight or else she’s on me like flies on shit. I tell her I’m going for a run and then she’s like oh my God you’re going to hurt the baby, you must do nothing all day and eat health bars so that the baby doesn’t have 3 heads.”  
“Ah,” I said simply.  
“Is she talking shit about me?” Pam called, peering from around the fridge door, “Selina, I need you to drink this Vitamin D milk and you need to take your folic acid pills in an hour.”  
“I feel like an old person.” Selina moped.  
“You’re growing a person, so it’s kind of a big deal, or so they say.” I shrugged.  
“I mean, I’m happy that I got pregnant and everything, Harley, but at the same time, it wasn’t really anticipated, you know?” she sighed, “I mean, when Bruce and I – oh crap, I’m sorry, you don’t want to hear about that.”  
“No, no, it’s fine.” I shook my head, “Speak now or forever hold your peace.”  
“Ok, when Bruce and I…” she struggled for the words, “…hooked up, I never saw this coming. We used birth control and everything; I just don’t know what happened. I thought about, you know, taking care of it, but I knew that Pam was a good person and she would help me raise a child. She loves me so much. I can’t ask for a better life partner than her. When I planned out the next phase of my life, I have to admit that my visions didn’t include a child.”  
“Neither does mine.” I agreed, “But I guess you never really know what could happen. I’ve told Mr. J a thousand times that I don’t want children, but now he’s got baby fever because you two are having one. I told him he’s being dumb and he’s just suffering from child envy. He won’t want one once he sees that yours is a crying, burping disaster.”  
Selina cracked up, “Gee, thanks.”  
“But, I mean, did your birth control maybe malfunction or something? When you’re on antibiotics or switching over, that can happen.” I suggested, “’I had a scare once in grad school because of switching over and not realizing the effects of it.”  
“Yeah, I know about all of that. I’m starting to think I’m just a one-in-a-million miracle case.” Selina said, rolling her eyes, “Of course it would be me. I’ll never fit into my cat suit right again.”   
“It’ll be fine.” Pam said, walking in with a glass of milk and a tray of snacks for the movie, “Ignore her, Harley, she’s been a total basket-case lately. Crying, raging, laughing hysterically at a hole in the wall, you name it.”  
“Sounds like my everyday life.” I shrugged.  
Pam chuckled, “Let’s just watch a movie.” She grabbed the remote and pressed the on demand button, “Now, do we want to watch The Vow or Dear John?”  
“BOO!” Selina called, “I want something with blood and guts in it.”  
“Violence isn’t good for the baby.” Pam frowned.  
“He can’t fucking see it, I told you this a thousand million times! He’s in my belly! His eyes aren’t open! You are not a medical doctor; I don’t know where you get this information from, Pamela!” Selina snapped.  
Oh ho, bringing out the full name. I knew then that it was on.  
“I get it from some very knowledgeable sources! I do have a degree, you know!” Pam shot back.  
This was like watching a tennis match.  
“Oh, the infinite wisdom that is Pamela Isley! WOOP DEE FUCKING DOO!” Selina tried to get up, but it failed miserably because her belly got in the way of that happening; she turned to me and gestured for me to help her up, and I obliged, and Selina then began shouting at Pam again once she had regained her equilibrium, “You find that information on Wikipedia or some shit? You drive me crazy with your constant worrying! I’m so tired of your attitude!”  
“This is our child, Selina! I want to grow up in a normal, loving environment and you’re not helping with your yelling! It’s super stressful on the baby and you know that, Lina. You don’t want to go into early labor, do you?” Pam’s eyes were filling with tears, “I don’t want anything to go wrong with-”  
“Seriously, Pam, seriously?! I can take care of my own damn self, so CHILL THE FUCK OUT, IT ISN’T EVEN YOUR BABY SO LET ME JUST DEAL WITH IT!”  
Leaving Pam with her mouth agape, Selina stormed into the master suite and slammed the door. Game set match, Selina.  
“Do you think I should go?” I asked awkwardly.  
“No, stay. She just needs to cool off.” Pam sighed audibly, exasperatedly. She flopped face-down onto the couch and buried her face into the pillows.  
“Want to talk about it?” I immediately regretted my stupid-ass sentiment as soon as it word-vomited out of my mouth.  
Pam looked up, only her green eyes staring at me skeptically, “You really want to know?”  
“Not exactly, but I thought I’d ask.” I admitted.  
“Thank you for inquiring, then, I do appreciate it.” She sat up, and hugged her pillow to her, “I do love her, you know.”  
“I figured that; otherwise you wouldn’t be putting up with the bitch.” I teased.  
“She fooled me. I thought she was this cool, smooth, never lets anything get to her kind of person, but now that she’s pregnant…she’s gone fuck-tarded insane. Her hormones are going to kill us both before the baby is even born. Like, the first 3 or 4 months were perfectly fine; she had some moody moments here or there and she was pretty nauseous during the day, but then the second trimester hit and it was like, holy shit hormone explosion.”  
“That sounds a bit scary.”   
“You have no idea.” She said with haunted eyes.  
“Stop being melodramatic, Pam,” I raised an eyebrow, “It can’t be all that bad. Her second trimester is almost over, right? Maybe the third semester will be completely problem-free.”  
“Or I’m going to get stabbed in the face.”  
“Well, if that happens, I’ll tell the police who did it.” I patted her shoulder.  
“That’s oddly comforting.”  
I tucked my legs under me on the armchair, Indian-style, “Look, Pam, I like Selina just fine, and I think she’s reacting normally. Being pregnant is not an easy process. My dad said when my mom was pregnant with Maggie, she used to constantly throw up, and as a result, she would throw their good china at him, yelling ‘my pain is your fault’ on a regular basis. I think this is a reaction. Do you ever think Selina may not be as on board as you are with this?”  
“What do you mean?”  
“I mean that, as much you don’t want to talk about it, this was an unwanted pregnancy. Selina might have been ok at first but maybe right now, she’s really feeling the gravity of the situation.” I mused, “I’d imagine it isn’t easy to be having a child with a man that you don’t even want in the picture, and the fact that you will be raising a child in an unstable environment.”  
Pam was quiet for a moment, and I started again, “I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to overstep…”  
“No, no, no,” she cut me off, “You’re absolutely right.”  
I wasn’t expecting that reaction.  
“Pam, I…”  
“No, you are right and I need to listen to you. I haven’t been listening to Selina’s feelings at all since she got pregnant. I’ve put all my focus on the baby and left her in the dust. I need to learn how to sit down with her and let her talk about how she’s feeling instead of being obsessed with the prenatal vitamins. I don’t know why I threw myself into this so hard, but I don’t like what I’m doing. I guess I’m living vicariously through her.” Pam wiped at her eyes a little, trying to fend off the oncoming tears.  
“You want to have a child? Is that what you’re saying?”   
“Well, I guess I would have liked to someday, but not under these circumstances. Selina and I discussed early on that if we were ever to have children, I would be the one who would carry it and then this happened. Bruce happened to us, and he ruined our plans. Selina isn’t happy about being pregnant, but I want her to be happy so badly that I got too involved in it.”  
“Pam, honey, that’s not your fault.” I said soothingly, “I totally understand. You’re going to be a mom, too, and you need to show her that you’re ready for the role.”  
“Oh, she knows I’m ready. I’m just not entirely sure that she is.” Pam had a faraway look in her eyes as she glanced toward the bedroom with the door still closed firmly shut, a clear image of her being shut out from what Selina was feeling, “She means everything to me, but I feel like I’m pushing her away.”  
“You guys did get married rather quickly.” I said matter-of-factly, “You didn’t have the time to get to know each other before this happened. I know you wanted her to feel like the child was going to grow up with two parents and everything and that’s all very noble of you, but you forget that you two are just barely getting to scratch the surface on what each other is like. I feel like that with Mr. J, you know? I feel some days that I know nothing about him, but I still love him.”  
Pam smiled, “That’s the first time I’ve heard you say that out loud.”  
“Really? I tell him all the time and I guess I just forget to tell other people.” I shrugged, “But he knows how I feel about our future. You and Selina need to have that talk whether you like it or not.”  
“Ugh, I know…” she whined, “Do I have to? Me and Selina aren’t really the talking types but we’ve had to be now that sex is out of the equation.”  
“I’d imagine.” I said, trying to control the eye twitches that were imminent, “Relationships aren’t much fun without the physical component. Anyway, hon, I just want you to know that if you try to talk to her and she kicks you out, you can stay at my place.”  
“Very comforting.” She drawled.  
I opened my mouth to respond, but we both looked up when Selina came out of the bedroom, looking a bit mournful and holding a very used Kleenex, “Hi, guys.”  
“Babe, what’s wrong?” Pam asked, standing up and going towards Selina, “Do you need a hug?”  
Selina nodded tearfully, “I’m sorry for yelling at you.”  
“I’m sorry for yelling at you.” Pam said, and they embraced tightly.  
When they released each other, Pam directed her to the couch, “Now sit down and pick any movie you want to watch. I’m so sorry for upsetting you. I am going to be a better wife from now on, ok? I’m going to stop nagging you all the time and I’m just going to let you do your thing.”  
Suddenly, Selina’s sad disposition disappeared and she said with a huge grin, “That always works on you.”  
“I hate you.”   
…  
After watching two chick flicks and drinking copious amounts of moscato and being past 1 in the morning, I stumbled my way home. I miraculously made it to our building, but then began the Herculean task of actually getting into my apartment. I began to fumble for the front door key in my purse to no avail at first.  
Suddenly I heard something make a ‘whoooosh’ sound behind me. I froze, keys in hand. My grip tightened on the keys, ready to use them as a weapon if need be. Realizing that maybe I was kinda more than tipsy and just making things up in my head, I started to put the key in the hole and turn when I heard the sound again.  
I instinctively reached downward to get my switchblade out of my pocket.   
“Ok, fucker, show yourself! Come out so I can cut your balls off!” I snapped into the darkness.  
“So melodramatic.” A deep, gravelly and despairingly familiar voice said a few feet away from me, but I couldn’t tell which direction it was coming from.  
“Man, this bitch is dangerous. I could see why you were attracted.” Another younger, more energetic voice said from what seemed like above me.  
I was too fucking drunk for this nonsense.  
“Ok, Bruce, enough’s enough. I don’t know who’s with you, but I’m tired and just want to go home and go to bed so just say what you need to say.” I sighed, putting my knife back in my wristlet.  
“I guess she figured it out.” The young voice I didn’t recognize said. It sounded a little bit familiar, but I couldn’t place it.  
Finally, Bruce (in his vigilante attire, of course) stepped out from the shadows, “Harley Quinn, looking well as always.”  
“Sup, Batsy Bats,” I said cheekily, “I’ve had too much wine this evening and you know what happens I drink too much wine. I make bad decisions…one of those bad decisions being you.”  
“You think nothing of witty hero and villain banter, do you? Can’t you at least call me Batman?” Bruce sighed, frustration creeping into his tone.  
“Nope, I really can’t. I’ve seen you naked. It doesn’t work.” I shook my head and tried to make some awkward sexual move, but nearly fell on my ass. Apparently my dumb ass thought I was going to wield a knife with precision in this state. Alcohol and I need to break up soon.  
The younger man’s voice began snorting with laughter and Bruce barked, “Calm down, Grayson! This is your first night on the job!”  
“Grayson? Your intern?” Now I knew where I heard that voice.  
The aforementioned person stepped forward, dressed in a red leather bodysuit lined with black, skintight and completely covered. On his feet were black boots, he had on black gloves and his face was partially covered by a black mask that turned upward at the corners, similar to mine. I could see that he had a young and fit physique in that costume and I secretly approved.  
“And who would this be?” I asked, amused.  
“Robin,” he said, grinning, “Pleased to make your acquaintance.”


	6. Leave Me Alone

Chapter 6: Leave Me Alone

Believe me when I tell you, oh  
Don’t ever leave me alone  
When you told me  
You didn’t need me anymore  
Well you know I nearly broke down and cried  
\- “Oh! Darling”, the Beatles 

I stood there for a moment, surveying the scene in front of me. Two men in revealing spandex costumes and me still clutching my little ankle gun; this probably looked like a real classy reverse prostitute situation. Yeah, well, that’s my life, isn’t it?  
I raised an eyebrow, “What is this, your little butt-buddy?”  
And there I go, always ruining lovely, polite moments I could have with Bruce.  
Robin actually burst out laughing while Bruce folded his arms across his chest, “Come on, Harley, grow the fuck up.”  
“Oh, please, you guys ambush me on the way to my apartment. I just want to go to bed and you are stopping me from doing that. I could whistle and I could have someone here in a heartbeat. You know very well he has me followed.” I sniffed airily, trying to put on an aura of confidence, “I think you two should just run along and play your little masked games.”  
I even made the shooing gesture and everything, like a huge ass-hole. Didn’t care, I was drunk.  
“Did you come from Pam and Selina’s?” Bruce asked.  
“Yeah, I did. What does it matter to you?”   
“Tell those two I’m pissed off at them.”   
“Ok, I’ll take the bait. Why are you pissed off?” I rolled my eyes in exasperation. Typical annoying Bruce, always playing the ‘I have to say something intriguing to get you to respond’ card.  
“They went to the obstetrician appointment without me and neither of them has answered their phones in the last 3 days. I wanted to pay for the appointment but they won’t talk to me about it.”   
Ok, because I really give a flying fuck about their OB appointments. God, I hate my existence right this second.  
“Dude, I saw the sonogram. I think it has 10 fingers and 10 toes. I think you’re good for now.” I said nonchalantly, “I need to go to bed and I don’t want to deal with you tonight. I’ll bring Bud and Lou down here to kick your ass.”  
“Who are they, your live-in bodyguards?” Robin asked, puzzled.  
“You could say that.” I grinned, “They’re just a little…furrier than you might expect.”  
Dick Grayson looked like he was having a very disturbing mental picture of what I meant.  
I dead-panned, “Dude, they’re hyenas.”  
“Oh…” he said, looking somewhat relieved, and then he looked utterly befuddled, “Wait, how in the hell did you get hyenas?”  
“Wouldn’t you like to know?”   
Bruce interrupted the conversation, “We’re not here to talk about the stupid pets. I want you to do something for me.”  
I folded my arms across my chest, “What makes you think I’d want to do anything for you? Last time I saw you, you advanced on me and I had to fall into Dick over here to get away from you! You’ve jumped off the crazy train and into psycho town! I would know; I already live there!”  
Bruce sighed, “I admit that that wasn’t my finest moment. I was just so angry with you and I wanted to scare you. I thought it would work. I’m just so stressed about all of this, Harley. I’m having a baby.”  
“Well, actually Selina is…” I began, and Bruce silenced me with one of his trademark Batman frowns that I had gotten so very accustomed to when we were together. Old habits die hard.  
“I get the picture.” I said, flushing a little, “I know you’re upset, but that’s no reason to get pissed at me. And also, I would prefer not talking about this in front of the kid.”  
“I’m 22!” he said indignantly.  
“You are a fetus. Go away.” I said, making a shooing gesture.  
“Robin, she’s right. You need to make yourself scarce for a few minutes. This conversation is none of your business. Go beat up some thugs or something.” Bruce directed.  
Dick narrowed his eyes at Bruce, and then glared at me, and then at Bruce again. However, he obediently (but with a lot of muttering and cursing under his breath) left our presence.   
I looked expectantly at Bruce, and he took off his mask, “God damn it, this thing is sweltering.”  
“I’m not here to have a conversation. You have to know that the Joker has me followed and he’s going to hear about all of this. You need to make your point and then leave.”  
“Alright, alright,” Bruce said, “I want you to tell Pam and Selina that they need to start factoring me into this baby experience. I wouldn’t be coming to you unless I was completely desperate. Neither of them will answer my calls or texts, they won’t come to the door if I come to the apartment…I can’t get through their partnership wall. It’s like it’s not even my baby.”  
For a split second, I felt a smidge of pity for the man. He looked so forlorn. It took every ounce of me not to put a hand on his shoulder, give him a comforting gesture. I resisted because I knew how much I had fucked up with Bruce in the past. I couldn’t do it again. It was just such a bad habit, a pattern I didn’t know how to break. I had to remember I was with the Joker now and I had made my decision on that. Also the fact that Bruce was a motherfucker who betrayed me and got another woman pregnant…right, yeah, that too. That fucker.  
“Look, Bruce, I’m sorry that they’re not letting you in, but what do you expect me to do in this situation? They’re my best friends. I don’t know how to convince them to do that, especially because I don’t believe in you myself. You realize that you’re asking me to help you and putting me in this awkward circumstance, like also the fact that this is the woman that you cheated on me with and that I am forced into being friends with her because she is married to the person I care about the most. I wouldn’t have to pretend to like Selina if she wasn’t with Pam. I would be able to hate her like a normal person should, but now I have to live in this never-ending hell in which I am forced to interact with someone who has no regard for me whatsoever.” I exhaled deeply, “You have to realize that I have a lot of burden to bear right now, too.”  
“And I do understand that,” Bruce said, moving forward to touch me, but I recoiled. He sighed, “Am I really that repulsive to you now?”  
“Yes, yes you are.” I said firmly, “I should have never allowed myself to get in that deep with you. It’s brought me nothing but pain.”  
“You don’t mean that.”  
“YES I DO!” I exclaimed, “You keep on living in this world of denial in which everyone does what you want them to do and doesn’t ask questions! I get it; you’re a rich handsome billionaire who always gets what you want. I think I’m the only thing that you really wanted that got away from you and that’s why you hold onto us so fiercely. You have severe attachment issues and…”  
“Don’t start psycho-analyzing me, Harley.”  
“I can’t help it. I see people and I see them as case studies in my psychology journals.”   
“I’m not a case study, I’m a person!” Bruce grabbed my face, “Look at me in the eye and tell me that you still think about me, that you still have feelings for me!”  
“Bruce, don’t start this now, please,” I pushed him away. I started to beg him; I didn’t want to, but I knew had to at this juncture, “I don’t want to think about these things anymore. I’m tired of feeling guilty over what happened between us.”  
“That’s because you ended things. You’re the one who walked out on me when I needed you the most.” Bruce said matter-of-factly.  
“Yeah, well, that’s life. What do you want me to do about the fact that I didn’t – and don’t – love you the way I should have? After a tumultuous relationship full of misery and woe, what in the world was I supposed to do? You’re the one who decided to marry me, have me leave you at the altar, and then sleep with me AGAIN. Emotional turmoil central.”  
Even after this spiel, the man still stood there, looking dumb-founded. He was definitely masochistic, that’s for damn sure, listening to me word-vomit about our relationship when I’m still sweating vodka at 1 in the morning.   
“Harley, I should have treated you better. I should have just taken you away when I said I would. Maybe we wouldn’t be in this mess. Maybe we could have been married by now, had a child…”   
“Whoa, whoa, back the fuck up!” I snapped, “Don’t start with that shit now. Don’t even. I can’t take it. You only came here to try and make me feel sympathy for you, stroke your ego and then stroke something else, I don’t even know! You just need to go home and just stop talking to me right now. I can’t listen to you anymore or I will either start sobbing uncontrollably or snap off your testicles, I don’t know which…I’m very unstable right now! Go away! Begone, demon!”   
“You’re acting crazy.”  
“BEGONE FOUL BEAST!” I shouted, closing my eyes and shooing him vehemently.  
“I’m done talking to you. You’re beyond help.” Bruce put his mask back on, “Think about what I requested of you. If you still care about me and my feelings, you will talk to Pam and Selina and sort this out. I can’t keep butting into their lives.”  
“Oh, but I can?” I opened my eyes and he was gone. He was good at that disappearing thing.  
…  
I walked my tired ass up into my apartment, and as soon as I opened the door, Bud and Lou yipped and barked as they ran toward me. I put my hand out, and they halted. I smiled, “Good boys. Mama taught you well.” I leaned down to pat them on the heads, and then looked up to see the Joker standing over me, arms folded across his chest.  
“You called me over an hour ago to say you were on your way home. What happened?”  
“I understand your concern.” I stood up, albeit a little shakily, “I got a little side-tracked.”  
“Someone threatened you?” his voice began to rise with emotion, “Are you alright? What did you do?”  
“It wasn’t anyone villainous. It was worse.”  
“Who the fuck was it?!”  
“Bruce,” I put my purse down on the side table, “And he has a sidekick now.”  
“Oh God,” he groaned, “We need to sit on the couch for this one.”  
I crashed on the couch, and the Joker massaged my legs absent-mindedly as I talked, “It’s his little bro intern that saved my hide the other day. Wearing ugly spandex. Bruce wanted me to spy on Selina and Pam for him and I was like dude no fucking way. I don’t even know what to do. God, I’m just going to stay in this apartment forever…or at least until this baby is born. He’s already causing more trouble than he’s worth.”  
“Harley dear, I think you attract the worst kind of human beings.”   
“Gee, ya think?!” I leapt up, almost kicking him in the face, “What the hell is wrong with me? I have always attracted people who are no fucking good for me! I had no friends up until college, and then I chose poorly because that stupid ass cheated on me with my roommate, who I thought was my best friend, and then that was like well what the fuck. And then I thought ok I’ll get my PhD and all of this will be over with and then I get my dream job working at Arkham Asylum and then guess what? I meet YOU. You, the person who ruined my entire existence.”  
“Well, no need to flatter me.” He said, but there was absolutely no mirth in his voice.   
However, I didn’t notice because I am a complete fuck-tard and kept ranting, “And then, oh ho ho, and then you have to kill off my entire family and my fiancé! Want my grandparents’ address? Maybe you can go kill them, too! YEAH THAT SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT.”  
“Harley, I think you need to take a minute to cool off.” The Joker stood up, and pushed me toward the bedroom, “I really, really don’t want to hit you but I’m getting very tempted. Go spend the night in there and sleep on it. You need to process your emotions. Every time you see Bruce, this happens. That man is absolute poison, and I’m sick of it. I’m going to end this shit once and for all.”  
I dug in my heels in the doorway, refusing to go in, “What do you mean by that?”  
“I’m going to kill the fucker, that’s what I mean by that. I feel like I’m about as subtle as a goddamn knife, babe.”  
“I was just clarifying, and um, NO. You are not allowed to kill Bruce. You are allowed to terrorize, maim, and otherwise make his life a living hell, but not kill the man. I won’t have it.” I folded my arms across my chest.  
“Since when do you get to tell me what to do?”   
“Since I am your girlfriend and that’s what I am supposed to do, buddy!” I shot back, and he looked totally startled by the statement, “Yeah, I said it, that infamous g-word, girlfriend! How do you feel about that?!”  
“I’ve just never heard you say that word to me before.” He said in total bewilderment. He looked like he didn’t know what to do with that information.  
“Really? I swore I had.” I said pensively, “Oh well, there it is. As dysfunctional as we are, I am your girlfriend. God help me.”  
“I think you just said that to distract me from what I was saying about Bruce.”  
Damn it, he always called me on my shit.  
“That’s not true!” I blustered.  
“Uh, yeah, I think it is.” He mocked my stumbling over the words, “Harley, I’m sick to death of your constant defending of Bruce. He’s an ass-hole who treated you badly and you still try so hard to act like he wasn’t that way. You say you hate him, you say that he ruined your life and all that bullshit, but then once someone tells you that he was to your face, you clam up and start getting misty-eyed over it. You just try to pretend like you’re over it to make everybody happy, but I know you. You are lying to yourself and you are lying to everyone around you. If you truly were over him, then you wouldn’t keep going back and putting yourself through that pain time and time again. He’s like a disease that you can’t get rid of and I want to help you get over it. I want to help you and you don’t want to help yourself. You just like to wallow in your own pity and self-loathing and I’m tired of it!”  
As I listened to him rant and rave, I knew all of it was true. He knew me better than anyone else, even myself. Obviously I knew what went through my head but I didn’t always know how to process it. I’ve said it out loud and to myself a lot over the years: I am unbelievably fucked up. My current boyfriend and ex-boyfriend are masked vigilantes who fight each other mercilessly. What in the world has become of me? I had this crisis semi-frequently.   
“Look,” I said slowly, “I hear everything you’re saying to me, and I’m not going to deny any of it. I really only have myself to blame for everything that’s happened. Bruce is someone I did love deeply and I risked everything in my life to be with him, which you know very well. He – and you – came along at very strange intervals in my life. You caught me at a vulnerable state of mind. I had just graduated from my grad school and I thought I was all that. I thought I could handle your case and be a fucking big shot and win all kinds of awards or something. Obviously I was under delusions of grandeur at that point, and that was my fault. I should have been humbler, more aware of my situation. After I did what I did to get you out of Arkham, I was vulnerable again. I was shattered by my total recklessness and impulsiveness, and I rejected you. Bruce showed up almost like a miracle to save me from myself, and I fully believed that he would do that. When I was wrong, it broke me down and I went back to you, and you’re such a good person and you brought me back into your life. You didn’t have to…but you did. And here I am, being a huge bitch to you. I’m so sorry.”   
He was silent for much longer than I had anticipated, and I began to get nervous. I didn’t know whether or not he was going to just hug me or scream at me or walk out. It could really go either way. I was honest and up front with my information, as honest as I could have been in this circumstance.  
“Lucky for you, my dear, I am not an unreasonable man.” He began tentatively, “I’m angry with you, but not at you, do you get what I’m saying?”  
“Uh…not exactly,” I admitted.  
“This situation in general makes me angry. I think you’re just a product of the situation and that you’re dealing with it in the best way you can right now. Even though I don’t think that you’re right in acting this way, I haven’t known you to be the most emotionally stable person ever.” He said, smiling in spite of himself and at me fuming quietly, “Come on, babe, you know I only speak the truth. It’s my way.”  
“Yeah, and it’s infuriating.” I made a sour face, and he embraced me.  
“Calm down,” he said, squeezing me so tight to him that I squeaked in surprise, “You know I love you.”  
“I can’t believe you’re being so nice to me.”   
He paused his hugging for a moment, “Harley, I’ve changed. You have to have noticed that. I’m trying to wean out of this crime business, maybe get some money aside so we can go somewhere far away from here. We’ll change our names, be private billionaires and just hang out on our private beach all day. Doesn’t that sound better than what you’re going through right now?”  
“It does,” I said softly, “But Pam is here, Selina, the baby…that’s a lot to think about.”  
“They’re not your family.”  
“Yes, they are.” I retorted adamantly, “They’re the only family that I’ll ever have.”  
“Well, it’s what I want. I can’t be the Joker forever. I’m already getting tired of this lifestyle. Yes, you’ve helped me substantially to get through it, but now that I no longer have a void in my life, I don’t need to do that shit anymore.” He kissed me, “I just want you and me.”  
“Are you for real?” I pulled away, staring at his face, “This is not the man I fell in love with. You’re spontaneous and violent and malevolent, not mushy-gushy. If this is what I made you, then I blame myself. I domesticated you, just like Bud and Lou over there.”   
Bud looked up expectantly at me, and I smiled at him, “Back to sleep, Buddy.”  
After realizing he was not getting a treat, he released a disappointed huff and he laid his head back down next to his brother.  
“Can’t you just accept that I’ve changed and that I’ve found my destiny?” he asked, yawning, “Harley, it’s way too late. We can discuss this in the morning.”  
“Yeah, you’re probably right.” I sighed, and followed him into the bedroom. He took off his ratted T-shirt as he was getting ready for bed, and I couldn’t help but smile. He was starting to eat regularly again and put in a little time at the warehouse gym, so his body was looking so much healthier these days. He still had a few scars from previous skirmishes, but I thought it gave him character. I think I had memorized every line on that chest over the past couple years. I went over to him, and embraced him from behind, “I’m sorry for worrying you.”  
“It’s fine. I know you always come back eventually. You’re like a lost puppy.”  
“…and then you ruin the moment.” I said dejectedly.  
He turned to face me, and grinned, “I think I know how to put a smile on that face.”  
He then picked up, honeymoon style, and threw me on the bed.   
“Oh geez, but I’m tired.” I whined.  
“I’m going to wake you up, I promise.” He wiggled his eyebrows, and I just giggled from the sheer ridiculousness of this moment. It was those little things that made him so lovable, I suppose.  
As he helped me shimmy out of my dark jeans, I leaned back into the pillows, getting ready to enjoy myself and go along for the ride as usual, but something didn’t feel right. I tried to ignore the hairs rising on my arm. I settled in, trying to get comfortable and he stopped for a moment, “Are you alright?”  
“I thought I heard something, but I’m fine. I’m just being stupid. Continue,” I waved him on.  
I moaned softly as he went to work, but I still couldn’t get into it. I heard soft footsteps in the distance. I swore I did. I heard faint screams, the sounds of things being crashed as the sound inevitably moved closer and closer to our building. Even the Joker lifted his head, “What the hell?”  
“I’m sure it’s just a robbery or something.” I said dismissively.  
“Yeah, probably; we are in a really shitty neighborhood.” He joked, and he squeezed my breasts, “Where were we?”  
“I think you’re about in the right spot.” I smiled.  
We were in a pretty intense make-out session at that point, and I was starting to really get into it when the sounds kept getting much louder every minute. Soon, Bud and Lou were growling and barking, and I broke my concentration, “God damn it!”  
I stood up, throwing on some pajama pants and went out into the living room. The hyenas were barking at our window that faced the back side of our building. The Joker followed me to the window and he pushed the hyenas aside.   
“Oh, shit.” I breathed.  
Bane.   
Son of a bitch.


	7. I Don't Even Need Your Love

Chapter 7: I Don’t Even Need Your Love

But you didn’t have to cut me off  
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing  
And I don’t even need your love  
But you treat me like a stranger and it feels so rough  
\- “Somebody That You Used to Know”, Gotye feat. Kimbra

“Jesus Christ,” The Joker cursed behind me, “What is that crazy ass-hole doing?”   
“Cock-blocking us, that’s what he’s doing. I think that’s enough to give him a piece of my mind.” I said huffily, and immediately stalked toward the bedroom to grab my clothes.   
“Harley, don’t be irrational…” he began and he got cut off as I threw his own clothes at him.  
“Get dressed. We’re taking care of this.” I snapped, shoving a hat over my mussed blonde hair.   
“Look, I would need some time to put on my make-up and everything…”  
“You sound like a woman. I’ll take care of it myself then.” I said, and ran out of the apartment and onto the street. Bane was about half a block away, beating the crap out of someone’s already shitty beige sedan car.   
“HEY!” I yelled.  
Bane lifted the car over his head and threw into a nearby jewelry store. Clearly he wasn’t listening to me over the din of the shattered window and the people screaming.  
I ran towards him, “HEY YOU STUPID FUCKER!”  
That got his attention.  
He turned to face me, eyes bloodshot with rage, and then his shoulders shrunk down in relief. His voice rattled in his mask as he laughed, “Oh, it’s just you, Harley. I thought I was going to have to kill you.”  
“Well I’m going to kill YOU!” I stomped towards him – well as much as I could stomp in blue fuzzy slippers, not a good fashion choice – and pointed at him, “Bane, you are interrupting my evening and I don’t like that. Are you off your stupid meds again?”  
“I’m off them on purpose this time.” He said, “I am sick of being under control. I just want to do whatever I want and have no one tell me what I can and cannot do. If you’re going to stand in my way, you’re going to have to be eliminated.”  
“Good Lord, you’ve gone mental.” I muttered, and then looked up at him, “Look, I know you can’t deal with your reality so you desire to cling to this identity that you’ve created. That’s, like, totally unhealthy, bro; you have to know that.”  
“I don’t need a psychologist. I already had one of those who told me the same damn thing. I can’t deal with reality, I can’t deal with the fact I am an orphan, psycho-babble bullshit as always.”  
“I resent that.”   
“Yeah, well, I resent the fact that your ex-boyfriend isn’t my brother and that he won’t choose to acknowledge me as a real villain in this town. How about that?” he shot back.  
“Bane, that is your quarrel with Bruce, not me. Obviously, I don’t care if you go around terrorizing this city because I do the same thing with Mr. J. I just have a problem when you go around terrorizing in my own neighborhood. It is 2 in the morning on a Wednesday. Pick a more crowded time of day when you can do more damage. I’m just saying.”   
He was pensive, “I guess you’re right about that.”  
“I am a villain. I know these things.” I said sagely, “Why don’t you just go home and get some sleep, then go out at 2 in the afternoon in mid-day traffic? That would really ruin people’s days, I’ll tell you that.”  
I seriously can’t believe I am saying these things. I suppose a couple years ago, I was one of those people. I would have been bothered and even horrified that someone like Bane existed. But now I’m just like, dude whatever, that’s nothing fucking new. Honestly, I have no idea if this is a bad thing. I just have to go with it because I chose this stupid life. I’m just special like that.   
“Alright, you win this time, Harley.”  
“I win every time, believe me. No one can beat the powers of psychology!” I proclaimed.   
“I wouldn’t use that as your catchphrase.”  
“Yeah, I’m working on it. If you’re feeling a little murderous, come over and we’ll talk about it so we can avoid altercations like this, ok? I worry that one day you’re just gonna snap and make Gotham into some isolated ice pit where you are supreme ruler or something.”  
“That seems rather improbable.”  
“It could happen.” I mused, “Ok, so I’m going inside. It’s cold as balls out here and I don’t really want to have frostbite. That would be super unpleasant. I think you should go a few blocks away where I can’t hear you or just go to bed. I don’t care what you do but don’t involve me in it.”  
“Sorry for disturbing you guys, Harley.”  
“Eh, no big, bro. I think Mr. J is more pissed off than I am. You don’t want to get him involved whatsoever in your shit. He’s not as forgiving as I am. It’s my kind womanly heart that gets in the way.”   
He burst out laughing.  
I planted my hands on my hips, “What part of that is laughable?”  
“Kind, womanly, and heart are the offenders.”   
“Excuse me? Ok, maybe I’m not the kindest person, good God I am the most womanly person ever, and I’m pretty sure I have a heart.” I had to think about the last one for a minute. Pathetic.   
“I think you need to reevaluate your life choices.”  
“Who’s the psychologist now?” I shot back, “I’m going home.”  
“Alright, alright, good talk Harley.” He said and stomped away, probably to continue rampaging so I couldn’t get any fucking sleep.  
Dude, I need to take a chill pill. I’ve been so easily angered lately…I think. Maybe I’m just overly tired as always. That feeling just comes with the territory of dating someone who is always out at night and sleeps during the day. Yep, dating a vampire is not as glamorous as Twilight makes it seem, guys.   
I went back into the apartment, and the Joker looked up at me expectantly, “Oh, well, thank God you’re not dead.”  
“Thanks for your concern.” I said dead-pan, “Let’s just go back to bed forever.”  
“Sounds like a plan.” He obediently followed me into the bedroom where we both basically passed out without saying another word.  
…  
A month or so had passed with virtually no incident. It was nearing the end of November and things were mostly peaceful. The weather was cold and rainy as it always is in Gotham, which made me irritable. I think everything was making me irritable and weepy lately. It was getting beyond weird. Like one day I was watching That 70’s Show through one of the scrambled channels on our television and just burst out crying because Hyde said something funny. I have no idea what is going on with my life. I’m a disaster…as if you couldn’t tell. After a couple weeks of this emotional bullshit which I mostly attributed to not sleeping and being empathetically stressed with Pam and Selina, who was getting beyond huge. She couldn’t even move sometimes. I thought this was the paragon of hilarity; Pam told me to stop laughing so much about it because Selina was starting to not want me anywhere near her. Eh, whatever. She’s a bitch anyway.   
“Why did we pick her to be godmother again?” Selina complained one day when I pointed out that she wasn’t wearing matching shoes.  
“She’s our only friend.” Pam called from the kitchen where she was making Selina like 5 grilled cheese sandwiches because apparently that’s all she wanted to eat these days.  
“Do you really want to walk around wearing mismatched shoes? People will make fun of me when you aren’t looking.” I shrugged nonchalantly, “I’m just trying to be nice to you.”  
“No you aren’t.” Selina snapped, “You are mean and you are just reveling in the fact that I am fat.”  
“That’s because you are.”  
“Get out of my house.”  
“You invited me over for a movie night and I’m watching the god damn movie.” I got up in her face, which was actually more difficult than anticipated because her belly got in the way of that happening.  
Pam put down the sandwiches and rushed in, “Hey! No fighting!” She turned to Selina, “You sit down. I don’t want you giving birth in my living room.” She then turned to me, “Stop being bitchy. We don’t appreciate it.”  
“I am not trying to be. She twists my words and then we end up fighting because she’s hormonal.” I said, rolling my eyes, “She’s just taking everything too personally.”  
“So are you.” Pam retorted and narrowed her eyes at me, “Are you not feeling well? I mean, you’re normally not a ray of sunshine to begin with, but you’ve been extra weird lately.”  
“Honey child, you don’t even know.” I said, sighing, “I’ve been crying at nothing and super irritable.”  
“Oh, well, that’s just your period then.” Pam said matter-of-factly.   
“Yeah, probably,” I said dismissively while in my head I was racking my brain for when I was supposed to get my period. I feel like it should have been here by now, but I have been really busy and stressed so it might have just been delayed or something.  
“You look a little panicked.” Pam raised an eyebrow, “You couldn’t be pregnant, right?”  
“You think I’m celibate?” I quipped, “It’s not completely out of the realm of possibility.”  
“Jesus Christ.” Selina groaned, “This would just put the fucking icing on the cake.” Her eyes then lit up, “Pam, I want cake.”  
“God damn it, babe, I ran out of cake mix like a week ago. You ate 2 of them! No more cake! I can’t physically make you more food.”  
“Are you calling me fat?” Selina buried her face in a pillow.  
“You’re just 8 months pregnant. It happens to everyone.” Pam patted her shoulder and then faced me, “I think you should go down to the corner store and get a pregnancy test.”  
“No fucking way.” I shook my head vehemently.  
“I think you’d rather know in case you want to…you know…” Pam started hard at me, “…take care of it?”  
“I know what you mean.” I was starting to get really nervous. I could not seriously be pregnant. I was on birth control. I couldn’t deal with it right now especially with Pam and Selina needing me and still being involved in the crime life. I wasn’t completely and utterly opposed to the idea if circumstances were vastly different, but not right now. Oh good God, not right now.  
“Do you want to me to go with you?” Pam asked.  
“No, I’m fine.” I said, getting my coat, “I’ll call you later.”  
“Ok!” she called as I slammed the door behind me, bounding down the stairs to the lobby of the building. I was too anxious to even wait for the elevator. I then worried about falling down the stairs for about a second but I got to the bottom before that thought could escalate. I walked out to the street corner, waiting for the light. It was a very brisk day; I needed a scarf and heavy coat in order to feel somewhat comfortable.   
I crossed the street and then into the drugstore, searching fervently down the aisles for a pregnancy test. You know how when you’re really looking for something and you just can’t find it because you’re so desperate to find it? That’s how I was feeling right then. I walked up and down the feminine hygiene aisle so many times I’m sure the employees thought I was out of my god damn mind. Finally, my eyes lit upon one and I realized I didn’t know what brand was the best and I didn’t want to get one that would tell me wrong. It’s kind of a huge deal, you know. I looked around to see if there were any female employees who could help me. None. Fuck my life.  
I started to wander a little, one of the said pregnancy tests in my gloved hand, and went down the greeting card aisle. I locked eyes with a guy who was standing in the greeting card aisle. Like, really, you don’t want to see anyone in this moment, but I had to see that little shit Dick Grayson just standing there like an idiot, staring at me.   
He looked at me, then at what was in my hand, and then back at me, “Hi, Harley.”  
“If you say anything to Bruce, I will hunt you down and forcibly remove your testicles.” I said all in one breath. I must have seemed pissed beyond belief, because he merely moved out of my way. I walked haughtily past him, and then turned around. I made the ‘I’m watching you’ gesture. I never felt more bad-ass than in that moment. You don’t mess with me, bitch.  
I went to the counter and attempted to make as little eye contact with the cashier as possible and then left with my purchase. I didn’t know what to do at that moment. I didn’t know if I should go back to Pam’s or go back home. I then quickly made the executive decision that Pam’s was a better choice because then I’d have emotional support and she’d be honest with me. Mr. J would be thrilled. I didn’t want someone to be thrilled for me if it was the case.   
I went back up to Selina and Pam’s apartment and rang the doorbell. Pam opened the door, “Oh, hey, did you go to the store?”  
“Yup,” I said, presenting her with the bag, “God help me.”  
“Go use the bathroom.” She pointed, “Get it over with. Don’t procrastinate.”  
“I don’t want to…” I whined.  
“Harleen Frances Quinzel, you get in that bathroom right now.”   
“UGH FINE.” I stormed past her and into the bathroom. I’m not going to go over the details of how a pregnancy test works because we all know what happens. If you don’t, consult the movie Knocked Up. That shit isn’t pleasant, ok?  
After I was done, I stared at it. I didn’t know exactly what I was supposed to do. I just stared at the little box so hard that my eyes started to hurt and I had to look away. I put it down on the counter and walked out of the bathroom because I couldn’t take the pressure.  
Pam and Selina were waiting outside the door, and I almost ran into them when I came out. I shooed them, “Get away from me!”  
“What did it say?” Pam asked.  
“I don’t know. I felt too sick to look at it. My insides are fucking churning.” I said, leaning against the door, “You look at it.”  
“Ok,” Pam gently pushed me aside so she could go look. She picked it up, stared at it for a moment, and when we locked eyes, I knew what it said. I think I knew when I got it.  
“Positive?” I don’t know how she even heard me because my voice was barely above a whisper.  
She gave me the most infinitesimal nod.  
You ever get that feeling where you know you’re fucked?


	8. Nothing I Can Really Say

Chapter 8: Nothing I Can Really Say 

And it feels like I am just too close to love you  
There’s nothing I can really say  
I can’t lie no more, I can’t hide no more  
Got to be true to myself  
\- “Too Close”, Alex Clare 

I knew something was bad when even Selina looked like she pitied me. She reached forward to hug me, but I pushed past her.  
“I can’t believe this.” I said it over and over again, “Guys, I just can’t believe this. I really can’t believe this at all. How did this happen to me? I don’t believe it…”  
Pam followed me with the offending stick still in her hand; I pointed at it, “Get that fucking thing out of my face! Throw it in the trash right now. I will not look at it.”  
“Harley, it’s going to be ok.” Pam said softly, “We’ll help you get through this. What do you want to do? I know you don’t want it.”   
“Well, I’m getting rid of it.” I said, meeting her worried eyes, “I hope that doesn’t offend you.”  
“It doesn’t.” Pam said sincerely, “Selina and I found out when it was too late to even make a decision like that. Plus, Bruce would have freaked the hell out if we did that and didn’t tell him.”  
“Do you know anyone that could…?” I couldn’t finish the question.   
“Yeah, yeah, I do. I’ll give you the number.” Pam disappeared into the kitchen and was rummaging around in the drawers.  
Selina approached me, and put her hand on my shoulder, “Harley, I’m sorry.”  
“It’s ok. It’s my fault for not paying attention. I just don’t know how this happened. I was really careful about not being pregnant. You know that about me.”   
“I do.” She nodded, “Did you guys discuss having kids?”  
“The discussion was him saying ‘I want them’ and me saying ‘not going to happen, buddy’. I told him I wasn’t ready.”   
“Did he really want a baby?” Selina inquired.  
There. She said it. Baby.   
“Excuse me.” I said, and bolted into the bathroom. I then vomited profusely. The very thought of having a child made me physically ill. Or it could be the fact that I was carrying one that was causing it. The irony was not lost on me.   
Selina appeared behind me, “I’m sorry.”  
“Don’t keep apologizing to me, especially when I’m hugging a toilet.” I sighed, exasperated, “I thank you for the concern but it’s not helping.”  
“I know. No one gave me any sympathy so I just thought I’d try to give you some. Bruce left me on my own with this kid. Thank God I had Pam.”  
“Bruce wanted to help you.” I pointed out.  
“I didn’t – and don’t – want his help now or ever. This baby is just a reminder of how stupid we were. I should have just walked away before things got too complicated.”  
“Selina, I seriously don’t want to hear this right now.” I groaned.  
Selina is talking about how she slept with my ex-fiancé while I am pregnant and vomiting in their bathroom. This was just a usual day in my life. Special.  
“Come on, you have to know that Bruce loved you. He loved you more than he would ever love me. Even when you guys were broken up, he talked about you. I used to think you were so lucky that loved you that way.”   
I stood up shakily, “I don’t think he loved me if he cheated on me with you. I told you I don’t want to hear any of this. I loved him, you know. I loved him more than anyone and anything and even though things were complicated, I love him. When I left him, I felt like someone had pried my heart out of me and kicked it over and over again. Then I found out he betrayed me. HE FUCKING BETRAYED ME WITH SOMEONE I THOUGHT I COULD TRUST. Then you got pregnant? PREGNANT. Do you even know how that makes me feel? No, you fucking don’t! Don’t try to help me now because I don’t even feel bad for you either! I’m leaving!”   
Pam ran in, “What the hell is going on in here?”  
“Your wife is pissing me off!” I exclaimed, “I am trying to deal with an emotional crisis here and she’s gabbing on and on about her and Bruce. I don’t have to stand here and listen to this crap!”  
“Harley…” Pam began.  
I held my hand up, “Can I just have that number please? I need to go home and make the call before Mr. J finds out.”  
“You’re not even going to discuss this with him?” Pam asked as she put the business card in my hand.  
“No way. He’s never going to know about this, ok? And you aren’t going to tell him. You swear on your unborn child’s life that you aren’t going to say anything to him. If you do, this friendship is over. I mean it.” I must have looked very intense because Pam merely nodded solemnly.  
“I will keep that promise. I just want you to consider your options before you decide to do this.”  
“What option is there besides that?”   
“I’m not saying that I think it’s wrong. You know me; I’m all about women’s choice. At the same time, you are in a committed, exclusive long-term relationship in which you feel strongly about that person. I think he has the right to at least know.”  
“I will tell him after I do it. I don’t want him talking me out of it.” I said firmly.  
“Ok…” Pam let me walk past her, “You call me once you know what you’re going to do. I’ll take you to the appointment if you want. Whatever you’re comfortable with, I’ll do.”  
I knew then I couldn’t be mad at her. She was my best friend and no matter how much I hated her vile whore wife, I still loved her more than anything. I embraced her tightly, “Pam, I have no idea what I’d do without you.”  
“Me either, honey.” She smiled.  
“I just really don’t want to talk to Selina right now. She is being completely inappropriate.”   
“She’s been doing that lately.” Pam looked back at Selina, who was inspecting her fingernails in order to avoid meeting my eye, “It’ll be alright. She just needs to have this baby and then she’ll mellow out a little bit…I hope.”  
“Yeah, she’d better.” I sighed, “I’d better go. I need to process this.”  
“I understand. You’re going to be ok no matter what you do. You’re really strong, babe; you can get through this. You’ve been through worse.”  
“Yeah, that’s true.”   
I left the apartment, feeling worse than shit. I didn’t even know what to do. If the Joker was home when I got there, I didn’t know what the hell I was going to say to him. That man was a human lie detector; he knew exactly when I was hiding something from him and how to get it out of me. There was absolutely no way he was going to be ok with me aborting our child. I almost crumpled when that thought passed through my mind. I never thought I’d be here, never in a million years.   
I always imagined myself having children with someone I truly loved, someone I lived in that suburban house with white painted fences and a dog. Instead I have a violent killer and two hyenas…and honestly, I was happy with that arrangement. I wanted so badly to just keeping living this life. I was comfortable with what I had and I didn’t want anything to change. A baby would fuck everything up. I knew it was what he wanted, but it was never what I wanted. I could see all of my dreams of retiring to Spain or Italy go down the drain. We could have had millions of dollars and lived an anonymous life for the rest of our days. A baby meant that none of that would happen, at least for a very, very long time. I couldn’t bring a child into this world that I didn’t think I could give a good life to. I knew this one I absolutely couldn’t and that’s why it hurt so much. I racked my brain for a long time, trying to figure out where we went wrong. I took my pill every single day. We used a condom pretty much every single time. I didn’t know how it could have happened.  
I think I was about a block from my apartment when it hit me. That cock-sucking motherfucking son of a bitch bastard gave me placebos. As I thought about it, it made more and more sense. He wanted this kid so bad that he just replaced my birth control. My blood was boiling by the time I got to our apartment. I could barely my key in the door and open it. Bud and Lou raced toward me, and I petted their heads. I looked around the apartment. It was empty, quiet. I looked in the bedroom. He wasn’t there. I was in the clear for now.  
I examined the apartment. We didn’t even have any photos of us, I realized. It was an odd thing, really, and seemed stupid but that was something that normal couples do. They take pictures together. They go on dates. They send each other cards and gifts. It wasn’t that I regretted being with him. I did regret being so quick to make statements about having a child. Maybe it drove him to this because it was what he wanted so badly. I knew what he did was so very, very wrong, but I couldn’t help but feel a little bit of pity for him. I could be a stubborn bitch sometimes…and by that, I do mean all the time. I know that about myself. I’m at least honest in that way.  
I looked down at the business card that Pam gave me, turning it over and over, bending and folding it. I picked up my cell phone and slowly, one by one, dialed the numbers. It rang a couple times, and an ironically cheery voice answered, “Hello, this is Dr. Stein’s office, this is Jessica speaking. How may I assist you today?”  
“Hi, um…I am pregnant and I need to talk to someone about…” My voice halted. I couldn’t get the words out, no matter how hard I tried.  
“I understand. How long have you been pregnant, ma’am?”  
“I’m not exactly sure. I just found out today, but I think it’s probably less than 2 months. I’ve only missed my period once. I took a pregnancy test and it said it was positive.” Saying out loud made it seem way too surreal. I felt like I was watching myself say it instead of actually speaking the words.  
“Are you absolutely certain? Sometimes they could be a false positive.” she suggested.  
I didn’t even think of that. I sighed, “Well, I have been experiencing some mood swings and nausea lately, but you could be right. I would still like to come in and make sure before I take any action.”  
“Absolutely, ma’am. When are you available to come in? We actually have an 11:30 appointment available tomorrow morning if that works for you.”  
“Yes, that would be great, thank you.”   
“Ok, what is your name and phone number please?” she asked.  
“Marley Finn,” I gave her my usual fake name that I used for hotels and ordering food, and told her my phone number.  
“Ok, Miss Finn, we’ll see you tomorrow at 11:30.” She said brightly, “Any other questions?”  
“No, I’m fine, thank you. See you tomorrow.” I then hung up, feeling a little better than I had 5 minutes ago. I knew with that sense of calm I could avoid any suspicion on the part of the Joker, because he knew when I was upset better than I even did.   
When Mr. J hadn’t come back for about 3 hours, I called his phone and it was just dial tone. I hung up angrily. He really needed to work on this disappearing act shit, especially now when I had a huge issue. It was like he knew I was mad at him, like a sixth sense. Looking at the clock, I realized it was about 12:30 AM so I decided to just say fuck all and go to bed.   
I clicked my tongue and Bud and Lou followed me to my bed. I always felt safe with them there. If someone ever broke in, well, a: I have a gun under my pillow and b: I have 2 motherfucking hyenas. I’m pretty sure that burglar would just turn around and walk away.  
I woke up at like 10 AM, and shoved my disheveled self out of bed. I went into the kitchen, the hyenas eagerly scampering behind me to get their breakfast. I fed them and looked around the apartment. Still empty. He must have spent the night at the warehouse. He could tell me these things, you know, but then he would actually be a decent boyfriend.  
I threw on some sweats and did my hair in the usual high ponytail. I checked my laptop for the bus schedule. The bus that would take me to the doctor’s office would be arriving in a few minutes. I grabbed my purse and went down to the corner outside our apartment. It was fucking cold outside. Great. Perfect. The bus arrived pretty much on time and I got to the office around 11:20. I filled out my paperwork which took me a little longer than anticipated. It’s kinda hard to make up details about your fake life.   
They called my name, “Miss Finn?”  
I stood up and followed them into the clinical room. I put on the dressing gown and sat on the chair, swinging my legs over the edge like I had done at the gynecologist’s office since I was 17. I looked up as the Dr. Stein walked in. I expected some middle-aged man, but instead she was somewhat young, probably 30 or 31, and had curly brown hair. She smiled warmly at me, “Hello, I’m Dr. Beth Stein. How are you doing today, Miss Finn?”  
“I’m ok, I guess.” I admitted, “This is just a little awkward for me.”  
“I understand.” She said, sitting down and looking at my chart, “I see you are 28 and unmarried. I take it you have a boyfriend, then, if you don’t mind me asking?”  
“Yes.”  
“When did you realize you were pregnant?”  
“I took a pregnancy test yesterday and it said it was positive.” I sighed, “I talked to the secretary here and she said it could have been a false positive and I should come check it out to be sure.”  
“Absolutely, that was the right thing to do. We don’t want to worry about something that isn’t there.” She put on her gloves, “Well, I think we should check it out before you worry any more than you should.”   
She went about her business, and there on the ultrasound monitor, a little speck baby was there, plain as god damn day. She pushed back in her chair, “Ok, well, I’m not honestly sure if this is going to be good or bad news, Miss Finn, but you are in fact pregnant.”   
I resisted the urge to scream. I resisted the tears. I had to maintain a calm demeanor. I had to.  
“Ok,” I took a deep breath, “Well, I have been told that you can take care of that if I don’t want it.”  
“Yes, we can.” She said, taking off the gloves, “I usually recommend my patients take 24 hours to think about it. In your case, we can, because it looks like from the ultrasound that you are not quite 2 months along so you can afford the 24 hours.”  
“I understand, doctor. I want to tell you that I want it taken care of, but if you want me to think about it, I guess I will.”  
“I’m not saying you should change your mind. Sometimes people want to talk this over with the father of the child if they are involved, and I’m not saying you have to do that either. I just want you to be absolutely certain that this is what you want.” She put her hand on mine, “I’ve seen this happen a lot. There’s no shame in either decision.”  
“Thanks,” I looked at the ultrasound monitor. It looked like a little alien, not really even a person. Even though she said it was going to have to be 24 hours, I knew then that it wasn’t going to be that hard of a decision. I felt nothing, no surge of emotion at all when I saw the monitor. I just saw my life going down the drain.  
“So, you’ll call the office tomorrow around noon? Ask for me specifically.” She said, distracting me from my thoughts.   
“I will.” I said. Dr. Stein then left the room and I got dressed. I was still in disbelief as I left the office and waited at the bus stop. I wasn’t prepared for her to tell me. I wasn’t prepared to see it on the screen and for it to actually be real, to be happening. Before it seemed like such a morbid nightmare, a manifestation of my stress about Selina and Pam, Selina and Bruce, all of it.  
I got home and my stomach began to rumble. Typical me, thinking about eating even in a crisis. I made myself a grilled cheese and began stuffing my face.  
My phone started ringing in my purse. I pulled it out, and saw that it was Pam. I picked up, “Hey, Pam.”  
“Are you ok? What happened at the doctor?”   
She likes to get right to the point, this one, “Yeah, I’m pregnant. Fuck my life.”  
“Ugh, I’m so sorry. What are you going to do?”  
“I don’t even know. The doctor said to think things over and call her in the morning when I decide what to do.” I said, cleaning up my dishes.  
“It sounds like you pretty much already have your mind made up on that topic, though.” Pam said, “Are you sure you want to do it?”  
“Why does everyone keep asking me that? Yeah, I’m sure. I don’t want to deal with this. I’m too selfish for a child. You know me, Pam. I don’t even take care of myself in a healthy way.”   
“Don’t be all self-deprecating. Things change when you become a mother.”  
“But it won’t change because I won’t be. Problem solved.” I said firmly.  
“Must you be so stubborn?”  
“Yes, I must. It’s the only way I get what I want.”  
“Ok, well, let me know once you decide. Come over later for movie night? It’ll keep your mind off of it for a little bit at least.” Pam suggested.  
“Yeah, that would be awesome, thanks.” I said. I was ever thankful for her support.   
“Alright, I’ll see you tonight around 8, then.”  
“That’s perfect. Bye!”  
“Bye, hon.”  
I hung up, and turned around to go into the living room. There stood the Joker, looking like all hell was about to break loose.


	9. Unchained

Chapter 9: Unchained

It’s true we’re all a little insane  
But it’s so clear, now that I’m unchained  
You poor sweet innocent thing  
Dry your eyes and testify  
You know you live to break me  
\- “Sweet Sacrifice,” Evanescence 

“Would you care to explain what that was all about?” he asked, very controlled, very scary.  
“What…what was all about?” Playing innocent could work.  
“I’ve been here the entire time you were on the phone.”  
Ok, maybe playing innocent was not going to work.  
“Ok, I can explain…” I began.  
He interjected, “No, no, no. Let me know if I have this right. You are pregnant.”  
“Yes, that is correct.” I said tentatively.  
“And it is my child.”  
“I have to presume so.” I was going to be cheeky. It wouldn’t be me if I didn’t. It was my defense mechanism.  
“And you are going to get rid of it?”   
“That’s debatable.” I had to leave something open for discussion. I wasn’t going to get out of this one very easily. I had to prepare for battle.  
“It sounds like you had your mind made up.” He leaned on the kitchen island, “Don’t you think you’d want to discuss this with me first?”  
“I wasn’t…exactly…planning on…”  
“You weren’t planning on telling me.” He finished. I braced for impact. I thought he was going to scream, smack me, something violent and angry. Instead, he just sat down on the stool, and exhaled deeply, “You weren’t going to tell me.” He repeated as if he couldn’t believe it.  
“I don’t know. I don’t want it, I can tell you that much.”   
“When did you find out?”  
“Yesterday afternoon. I had a sneaking suspicion and I was correct. I know it’s all your fault that I’m pregnant, anyway.” I snapped.  
“How do you figure that one?”  
“A) We’re having sex and B) I’m on birth control and we always use a condom so I’m pretty damn sure that you fucked around with my birth control. I thought you were trustworthy but I guess I was wrong. I thought I could feel safe with me, and you go behind my back and do this to me.” I was starting to get riled up now, “I really don’t think that you should be involved in a decision in which I had no control. I, as always, put my faith in the wrong people and that includes you. I think that because you betrayed me, you’re going to get punished for it. That means no baby.”  
“Your logic is pretty damn flawed.”  
“I don’t give a fuck if my logic is flawed! Are you kidding me?!” I stood up, slamming my open palms on the table, “This is my worst god damn nightmare and you caused it!”  
“Harley, I just wanted you to think about what we could have.”  
“So, you’re admitting to doing it?!” my voice was reaching shriek-level, which for me means that I was probably breaking the sound barrier since my voice is already obnoxiously high-pitched, “You’re seriously admitting to tampering with my birth control?”  
“Well, I know you’re not stupid. I knew this reaction would come, but I thought you were bluffing about the whole ‘taking care of it’ thing.” He shrugged.  
“You’re a sick son of a bitch.” I just stared at him, “Seriously fucked up.”  
“Babe, I don’t know what to tell you. I thought this would be a better idea than me never having a kid because you’re too damn stubborn to do what I want.”  
“UM HELLO, I told you I didn’t want a baby right now! That doesn’t mean that it was totally out of the question! I am almost 30 years old for Christ sakes! I still have like 6 or 7 years to worry about becoming dried up! I’m angrier about the fact that you did this to me than the fact that I’m pregnant. Do you understand that?”   
“I do understand that. I guess I didn’t think this whole plan out very well.”  
“CLEARLY,” I threw my hands in the air, “What the hell were you planning to do once I told I was pregnant?”  
“I was going to tell you that I am going to stop with the criminal life and that I have two tickets to Venice whenever you want to go.” He said smoothly. That fucker was prepared for this all along. I should have been happy. I should have been jumping into his arms but I felt rooted to the spot. I felt trapped in this moment, helpless. I then realized something. I couldn’t even yell anymore. I just had to put it out there.  
“You’re trying to make me stay with you.” I said matter-of-factly.  
“That’s not at all what I’m trying to do, Harley!” he exclaimed, running his hands through his hair in exasperation, “You twist all my words around and make me sound like a maniac for just wanting to make you happy!”  
“I want to be happy on my own damn terms. I was perfectly fine with what we were doing. If you had sprung those tickets on me today and I wasn’t pregnant, I would have said yes immediately. I have no doubt about that whatsoever.” I said, “Sometimes there are moments when I feel like you really know me to my very core and then there are moments like these when you totally and completely screw up and I wonder if you even know me at all!” I stomped into the living room like an overdramatic teenager. That’s how I felt right now, totally erratic and confused.   
He followed me, “Stop being a brat and let me talk to you!”  
“I don’t give a fuck what you think about me!” I retorted, “I’m done with this conversation. I am getting rid of it and that’s the end of it.”  
“Why are you allowed to make that decision?”  
“My body!” I said, pointing at my belly, “I don’t want to be fat! I don’t want to keep throwing up! I don’t want to be an eating disgusting horrible machine and have my whole lady parts get totally torn apart and never be the same again! NO WAY BUDDY.”  
“You’re just being selfish.”  
“Bingo!” I cried, grinning like a madwoman, “Have you ever met me? As I said, I swear you totally think I’m going to change and I’m never going to. I prefer my routine life and I don’t want to change it!”  
“You’re just scared.” He said, rolling his eyes, “You just don’t want to change what you know.”  
“I swear to God you should change your name to Captain Obvious!” I smacked his forearm, “You need to stop pissing me off or I’m going to call the doctor right now in front of you and make you listen.”  
“Empty threats as always.”  
My rage was building. I clenched and unclenched my fists a few times, trying not to scream or break down crying in front of him. I wouldn’t do it. I wouldn’t cry anymore about this bullshit.  
“Look,” I said, taking a deep breath, “I need you to understand something. I am upset with you. I am angry. I am freaking out because I don’t even know what to do about this baby. I am scared as hell. I don’t even know how to take care of a baby. I’m going to be an absolutely dreadful mother and my child is going to hate me. I know in my heart that I will never ever be as good of a mom as my mom was and will never be able to give this child everything like she did. I don’t want my child to suffer and have heartbreak like I did. I don’t want to sit down and deal with the nitty gritty of being a teenager because it will bring back my own shitty memories of being teased and broken down by people who thought they were better than me. I don’t know how to be a mother. I don’t even know how to take care of myself, let alone another human being. I can barely make grilled cheese without screwing it up. How in God’s name will I ever be able to raise a child?” I felt the tears rolling down my face. It felt good to release those emotions, the ones that I kept bottled up inside because I didn’t want to be weak. I didn’t want to be vulnerable. I hated being vulnerable. I had been that for too damn long.  
The Joker embraced me, “I know that those thoughts are terrifying. I don’t know how to be a father, either. Look at me. I am a clown. I have scars. I have a broken past. I just think that we are both so fucked up that somehow all of that craziness will work out into being something wonderful. I think you are more maternal than you want to believe. You take care of Bud and Lou just fine.”  
“They’re hyenas, not a baby.” I said, defeated, “You don’t understand. It isn’t the same thing.”  
“You can do it.” He said firmly, “I’m not going to leave you. I’m going to give you everything you ever wanted, everything that Bruce was going to give you, but better. I will make you happier than you ever thought was possible with me. When you met me, I was like a caged animal. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I met you and everything became clear to me. I always thought I was going to be the Joker forever and terrorize and scheme and manipulate everyone who came into my path, and I have to admit you started out that way. I thought you were just another blonde bimbo who thought she could fix me.”  
I glared at him, indignant.  
“I quickly figured out that you weren’t like that.” he added, but without remorse for the previous statement, “I made you become who should have been. I think we’ve done everything we can for this criminal life and I know your heart was only half in it, anyway. I just thought this would be better for us.”  
“Well, it isn’t going to be!” I pushed him away, “This is nowhere near what I wanted for my life and you know that. I have made peace with this situation and this relationship and I was just getting accustomed to that. Now you have to throw a baby into the mix and make me change who I am AGAIN. That doesn’t make any sense!”  
“I guess we aren’t on the same page on this…”  
“YOU THINK?!” I made myself calm down, and then spoke again, “Look, I’ve got a deal to make with you. I am going to call the doctor in the morning and make an appointment to…you know…take of care of this baby situation, and then I will come home and once the surgery is over, we will go to Venice and set up our new life. I’m fine with that. I want to get out of Gotham. I don’t care about being here anymore. I have nothing left here that’s worth staying for. When we get to Venice and get settled, we will talk about having a baby then, ok?”  
He was very quiet for what seemed like an endless moment. My heart beat faster, nervous.  
“I don’t like the idea.” He finally said, “I still think we should go to Venice and then we can talk about the baby.”  
“I don’t have time to do that. If I choose to get rid of it, I only have a couple weeks. I’m telling you that I’ve already made up my mind and I just want your support. Please. Please help me through this.” I massaged my temples, “I can’t do this without you.”  
“I think we should go to Venice. They have doctors that can take care of it there if that’s what we decide to do.” He insisted.  
“What I said wasn’t meant to be a debate. It was meant to close the issue. I have made up my mind on what I’m going to do. I don’t care if you have me followed. You can haul me out of that clinic screaming, I’m still going to go back and do it when you’re not looking.” I said quietly, “I’m not just saying this and I’m not bluffing. I am going to do it.”  
“I never thought you would do this to me.”   
Those words stung more than I thought they would. I blinked back the tears and put on my usual defensive face and shot back, “I never thought YOU would this to ME.”  
There was a very tense silence.  
Suddenly, my cell started buzzing on the table, startling both us. It just kept on ringing as I stared at it; it felt incessant in the heat of this moment. Never taking my eyes off of him, I started trying to creep toward the coffee table where I had set it down.  
“Harley, don’t you fucking dare answer that phone.” He was about on the verge of tweaking the hell out.  
“This could be very important.” I whined.  
“Not as important as this discussion.”  
I ignored him and looked at the caller ID. Pam. After quickly thinking, ‘Oh, whatever, it’s just Pam’, I realized something. It was about a week and a half before Selina’s due date. Jesus.  
“Hello?”   
“Harley, I’m going to break that god damn phone if you –”  
“SELINA’S IN LABOR!!!” Pam yelled and I had to move the phone away from my ear, “I’m on the way to the hospital! You’d better meet me there in 15 minutes or I’m going to have a heart attack!”   
I stared at the Joker whose face was turning a ghastly deep red, scathingly pissed off, and realized he was going to do the same if I stayed on the phone.  
“I’ll be right there.” I said, and hung up.  
“You’ll be WHERE?!” The Joker exclaimed in indignation.  
“Selina’s having the baby. I have to go.” I rushed to get my coat out of the front closet.  
“You don’t need to go there!” he slammed the door shut, almost catching my hand in the process.  
“Yes, I do. They’re my best friends, fucked up as that is.” I shook my head, “I’m not missing the birth of my godchild for this bullshit!” I went to the door, opening it.  
“If you leave, I’m not guaranteeing I’ll be here when you come back.”   
That halted me for a split second. I turned back to face him, “Then leave. Leave like you always do. You run away from all of your problems. Why should this be any different?”  
I left him, stunned and alone in that doorway. Honestly, I didn’t give a single fuck. This was my decision, not his. I’m the one who has to deal with all the burden of having a child. I wasn’t prepared to deal with it, and nor would I ever be. I knew I couldn’t waste time dwelling on it and it was going to have to wait until after the birth. I am helping Pam through the birth of Bruce and Selina’s spawn. Ok, I am seriously going to have to stop calling him that because it is just inappropriate.  
I got in the cab and had a moment of complete shock course through my veins. Fucking Bruce was going to be there. That’s just my sad, special, pathetic life. This moment, as always, was going to be ruined by Bruce Wayne. Fucker. BAH. I hate myself for getting involved with him. He only brings me pain and misfortune. That’s what those damn penises do. Nothing but harm. And babies. Right, yeah, I am pregnant. MORE FUCK. I needed to calm down before I saw Bruce because I probably was going to melt into a puddle of emotions and maybe beat him over the head. Seems a bit irrational, though.  
I paid the driver and rushed into the hospital. I went to the front desk, “Kyle and Isley, baby.”  
She checked the chart and then glanced suspiciously up at me, “Who are you?”  
“Godmother,” I said proudly.  
“Oh right, they said you’d be arriving. Room 323.” She pointed at the elevator, “When you get out, it’ll be the third down on the left.”  
“Thanks!” I went to the elevator, bouncing on the balls of my feet, anxious. The doors opened, and I got in, rushing to the room as fast as I could without running some poor nurse over. Why was I in such a hurry? Births don’t take a short time. I’m silly.  
I got to the room, and then I heard some hysterical screaming. I figured I was at the right place. I looked through the window and saw Selina, face purple in pain and anger, and Pam holding her hand, looking like she was about to start sobbing.  
I opened the door, and Pam and Selina both turned their heads. Selina’s face screwed up into one of pure Satanic evil, “GET THE FUCK OUT!”  
I hastily obliged.


	10. Left with Nothing

Chapter 10: Left with Nothing

I remember what you wore on the first day  
You came into my life and I thought hey, you know, this could be something  
‘Cause everything you do and words you say  
You know that it all takes my breath away  
And now I’m left with nothing  
\- “Two is Better than One”, Boys Like Girls feat. Taylor Swift

I walked into the hospital room quietly, gingerly, and peered around the door, “Pam? Selina?”  
Pam, dressed in one of those hideous blue hospital gowns, rushed over to me, tears fresh in her eyes, “Oh, Harley! He’s so beautiful! Come see!”   
I turned and looked at Selina, holding the little bundle of blue blankets in her arms. She was pale-faced, sweating, exhausted. Her jet-black bangs were pulled away from her face by a headband and she had no make-up on, but I couldn’t even revel in her appearance because she had never looked happier. She smiled wearily at me, “Come meet your godson.”  
Ok, I am not going to cry. I swear to God, I am not going to cry.  
“How was the delivery?” I asked, crossing the room to her bed.  
“Not too horrible, actually,” she shrugged, “The doctor said I was one of the best they’ve seen deliver a baby, but I feel like they tell everybody that to make them not feel like ass-holes for screaming bloody murder for hours.”  
Pam rolled her eyes, “She’s being modest. She hardly yelled or cried and she didn’t throw any inanimate objects at me. I’d say she rocked it.”  
Selina smiled up at her partner, “Thanks, hon.” She handed me the baby gently, “Make sure you hold his head.”  
I awkwardly held Edward and looked down at him. He was rather squishy, but he was sleeping peacefully. He had a pretty healthy smattering of dark hair, like Selina and Bruce both did, and the same olive skin as Selina, “He’s going to be a handsome man.” I admitted, “What color are his eyes?”  
“They’re blue right now, but the doctors said that they’re going to change in a few weeks since we both have brown eyes.” Selina replied, stretching her arms out and groaning as they cracked audibly, “Jesus, I’m out of shape. I miss my daily runs.”  
“Shut up, you’re gorgeous.” Pam kissed her head, and I could see the tears welling up in her eyes again when she glanced over at me holding Edward, “Harley, you look so natural with him.”  
“Yeah, sure, ok, I know you guys are trying to butter me up so that when I have a baby girl so she can marry Edward.” I chuckled, bobbing up and down to keep Edward asleep.  
“Damn, she’s quick.” Pam mused.  
“Has the father been by yet?” I asked. I deliberately didn’t name him because I didn’t even want to say it. I hated him. It was irrational, but I hated him.  
Pam and Selina shared an uncomfortable look, and Selina finally said, “Not yet. He said that we can call him once you’re gone.”  
“Well, that’s fine. I’ll just stay for like 4 hours and make him suffer.” I said bitterly.  
“I know you guys aren’t exactly on the best of terms, but…” Pam began.  
“He was going to pull a gun on me!” I snapped, and Edward’s eyes opened. They were right; his eyes were a stunning icy blue. He stared, puzzled, up at me. He didn’t cry or anything, just stared. I then saw the resemblance to Bruce. That same, vulnerable, all-knowing sort of look that I used to love, and I realized my throat had become tight and I had started crying.  
“Harley…” Pam said quietly.  
“It’s just…he’s a little Bruce.” I smiled half-heartedly, “You guys take care of him and make sure he doesn’t end up like his dad. Promise me.”  
“We promise.” Selina said firmly. Pam nodded in agreement, clasping their hands together.  
“That isn’t going to happen, Harley.” Pam held her arms out, “Can I have him back? I don’t want your tears falling on our baby.”  
I chuckled, handing her Edward, “Ok, ok. He’s probably confused enough by all these people.”  
“Yeah,” Selina grinned, “Just don’t let him anywhere near your boobs, ok? He’s going to think all of them are milk machines.”  
“Duly noted,” I said, wrinkling my nose in disgust. Breast feeding is so gross. I know I sound immature, but I still see ladies doing it at restaurants or in the park and I’m like please put that away. No one wants to see that, especially when I’m eating. That’s some nasty shit. Sorry to mothers in advance for the rant. I’m just a bit opinionated.  
I glanced at the clock, “You know what, I’d better get going. I’m sure Bruce is anxious to come see the baby, so I’m gonna peace.”  
“Ok,” Selina turned to Pam, “Babe, would you hand me my cell?”  
Pam, balancing Edward with one arm, reached into Selina’s big Longchamp bag and pulled out her cell, “Here you go.”  
Selina glanced at the screen, “Wow, he’s one impatient son-of-a-bitch. Four missed calls and three text messages.”  
“I imagine one says ‘did that blonde whore leave yet’.” I said caustically.  
Selina looked up at me in amazement, “You know him all too well, I think.”  
“Just the best characteristic, isn’t it? And so very useful.” I sighed, standing up, “Call me when you guys are home from the hospital. I want to lavish gifts upon the little man.”  
“We always accept lavish gifts.” Pam laughed, and she embraced me, “Can I talk to you in the hall for a minute?”  
I was a little taken aback, but said, “Sure.”  
Once we had exited the hospital room and the door had shut behind us, Pam and I sat on a small bench outside.   
“What’s up?” I inquired.  
“Selina and I didn’t want to tell you this, but…” Pam was fidgeting, clasping and unclasping her fingers, “There isn’t going to be a baptism.”  
“Oh, hon, I’m not upset. I know I’m the godmother, anyway. I don’t need a ceremony to know that.” I said, patting her shoulder, “You guys can’t decide on a religion?”  
“Um, no, that’s not it. We told Bruce there would be a baptism, but we’re going to leave town before that happens.”  
My heart dropped, “Leaving? Why?”  
“It isn’t safe for us here anymore. We can’t raise our son in this kind of environment. He needs quiet, peaceful; not super-villains blowing shit up everywhere we look. Selina and I are tired of the constant running around. We want a simpler life.” Pam explained; she was misty-eyed, “We are so sorry to do this to you, but our world is about Edward now.”  
“I get it, but…where are you guys going? Aren’t you wanted criminals?”  
“Yes, but not in Wyoming we’re not.”  
“WYOMING?!” I exclaimed, “Bumfuck fucking Wyoming?! Not only are you leaving me, but you’re leaving the East Coast entirely? Why in the world would you go there?!”  
“As I said, no one knows us in Wyoming. The town is like 500 people who presumably do not watch a lot of cable television or national news.” Pam shrugged, “It made sense to do.”  
“So, you’re raising Edward as a freaking farm kid.” I had to sit back, “Jesus. I can see why you aren’t telling Bruce.”  
“Well, yeah, technically the man has paternal rights. He could claim Edward any time he wants. That’s why we’re letting him see him at least once and then we’re getting out of here. We already book the flight.”  
“Holy shit…” I was speechless, “Well, what am I gonna do?”  
“What do you mean?”  
“I mean when you guys defect to Wyoming. Bruce is going to find out real fast and he’s going to ask me. He’s going to freak.”  
“Lie. You’re insanely good at that.” Pam said matter-of-factly.  
“I know I am, but…things are just so complicated with us. You know that better than anyone.”  
“Everything is going to be fine, hon.” She said reassuringly.  
“And things are bad with Mr. J now…” I started, and she groaned audibly.  
“What did you do?”   
I became flustered, “He heard our phone conversation and he freaked on me. He doesn’t want me to get rid of the baby.”  
“Well, obviously he doesn’t. You told me how he felt about having a baby.”   
“We left on really bad terms. We had a huge, huge fight and he put plane tickets to Venice in my face and demanded we leave.” That sounded ridiculous that I was whining about the man who loved me offering me the trip of a lifetime, the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me.  
“Oh, well, la-dee-fucking-da, Venice.” She rolled her eyes, “Come on, Harley, would you at least give the guy a chance then?”  
“Pam, I…I mean, I told him no and I left and he told me that he wasn’t going to be there when I got back. I fucked it up like I always do. I wish I had known that you and Selina were planning on leaving before we got into this huge fight. That might have changed the circumstances a little bit.” I was beginning to get pretty irritated with Pam right about now.  
“What would we have to do with it?” Pam inquired.  
“You guys are my best friends and I was going to help you take care of the baby and everything. I wanted to be here for you.” I said, throwing up my arms in exasperation, “I was trying to be a good friend and now you guys are going to peace out and leave me all alone! I’m going to have to go through this emotional turmoil by myself? This fucking blows.”  
“Harley…”   
I interjected, “No! Why couldn’t you guys have told me before?”  
“We were going to tell you the other day, but the whole pregnancy business happened.” She said, sighing, “We didn’t want to upset you any more than you already were.”  
“Ok, well, actually that is a very legitimate excuse.” I admitted, “I would have probably gone ape-shit and destroyed something.”  
“That’s what I figured. I wanted you to work it out on your own.”  
“You’re a better friend than I ever thought could be possible.” I smiled weakly at her, “I don’t know what to do now, to be honest. I’m going to have to go home to an empty apartment and have to fend for myself once again. Pity me.”  
“I do.” She said, grasping my hands tightly, “Listen to me. I have something for you.” She fumbled around in her purse for a minute and then handed me an envelope.  
It was a round-trip ticket to the Casper airport.  
“It’s no specific date, so you can just come whenever you want, if you want to come after the surgery. You can come with us, Harley.” Pam’s voice became choked and tearful, “I’m sure I would miss you too much otherwise. You can come live with us and help us out with Edward.”  
“Oh no, don’t start crying. You know I’m gonna cry.” Tears fell down my face. I can’t help being a sympathetic cryer. Pam handed me a Kleenex. Hospitals tend to have an endless supply of those things. I blew my nose, “And thank you for the offer. I’ll have to consider it.”  
“You don’t want to come?”  
“I do. That’s not it. I want to go home first and find out if I can work things out with him…if he’s still there, I mean.” I dabbed at my eyes, “Fuck my life. I just don’t understand why you guys would want to leave so bad. Didn’t you even think about the fact that you’d be leaving me with no girlfriends to vent to? How was I ever going to get to Bumfuck Wyoming, especially if I decided to have the baby?”  
“It’s not like we don’t want you in our lives. It’s just that we don’t want Bruce, you know?” Pam shook her head in frustration.   
“I know.” I sighed shakily, “I just wish he wasn’t such a tool-bag.”  
“Yeah, me too,” Pam held my hand, “He’s turned my life upside-down too, but I guess in the best way he could. I never thought I’d have children, but here I am. I am going to be a mom. I mean I actually am one now! It’s hard to believe, but I’m so happy that Selina and I are doing this.”  
“I’m happy for you guys, I really am.” I said, smiling through my sadness, “You two will be such wonderful moms. I understand why you’re doing this, but I’m just selfish and want you to stay.”  
“Believe me; we have no choice in this.” She assured me, “Please visit us as soon as you can, though.”  
“Yeah, it’s just a process, considering the whole wanted criminal business.” I joked.   
“I know, I know, but try for me, please. Consider my offer.” Pam wiped up the last of her tears, and she made a move to stand, “Well, I’d better get back in there with the wifey.”  
“Ok,” I said, feeling a little awkward in some weird way. It was like all the air had been sucked from the room, “Pam, when are you guys leaving?”  
“Well, we’re taking Edward home tomorrow afternoon, then packing. Our flight leaves at like 9:15 AM on Friday.” Pam said, “If you want to come over for dinner tomorrow night, we can order some Chinese or something and talk about what you decide to do.”  
“Yeah, that would be great.” I couldn’t help but feel unenthusiastic.  
“Ok, text me tomorrow sometime then.”   
“I will,” I said, hugging her tightly. I then hoisted my purse onto my shoulder and headed for the elevator, turning to wave at Pam as I went. When I stepped forward again, I ran into 6-foot wall of man in a black Armani suit.  
Oh, gee, just who I fucking wanted to see right now. My ex-fiancé.  
“Harley,” he said.  
“Yup, that’s me.” I snapped, “Let me through.”  
“Come on, I’m just here to see my son.” Bruce blocked me, “And it’s almost Christmas, for God’s sake. Can’t you forgive me?”  
“Um…NO,” I tried to shove past him, but he grabbed my forearm.  
“Stop. Why do you have to be so fucking stubborn?”   
“Because I hate you,” I retorted, “Go see your son, please. That’s what you’re here for, you know; not to ruin my god damn day.”  
“I’m not trying to do that.” Bruce said gently, “Did you see him already?”  
“Yes, I did.” I said curtly.  
“Was he as handsome as I’ve imagined?” The look in Bruce’s eyes, the look of pure joy and love, just about broke my heart.  
“Yeah, he looks just like you.” I managed to get out before I ran into the opening elevator behind him. I saw him standing there through my blurry eyes, confused. He reached forward but the doors closed in front of me, shutting him out.  
I let loose a despairing sob and crumpled against the railing in the elevator. What a fucking day this has been. There in that metal box, I had a flash of what my life could have been; Bruce happy and holding our child, smiling and ready, so ready to be a dad. Living in his mansion, playing with our baby, late nights constantly waking up to feed him…fighting, lots of fighting. That I saw clear as day. I then had an epiphany. Why the hell am I crying right now? We would have been the worst couple on the face of the earth, me living a life I never wanted with a family that I never wanted and Bruce would suffer the consequences of my inability to attach to anything. Would I have gotten rid of his baby? Would I have refused to make compromises for him?   
I’ve realized over the years that I am the perfect person to psychoanalyze because I am out of my damn little mind.  
I managed to pull myself together as I got out of the elevator, found my car in the parking lot and drove back to our apartment. I trudged up the stairs, feeling lost and overwhelmed with all that I had been through today and all I wanted to do at this point in the day was plunk down on my couch and eat my way through some chocolate chip cookies. Unless my oh-so-lovely-and-thoughtful boyfriend had decided to stop letting me eat my feelings. Then I may just to have to eat him.  
No, not in that way…perverts.  
I unlocked the door, and grinned in delight as Bud and Lou basically tackled me to the ground in the entryway. I laughed and shoved them off, “Come on, you morons! I’m just trying to get in the door!” I stood up, wiping the dirt off my pants and then I looked up.  
Sitting on the couch next to Mr. J was my dearly departed sister, Maggie.


	11. Half Alive

Chapter 11: Half Alive

I learned to live, half alive  
And now you want me one more time  
Who do you think you are?  
Runnin’ ‘round leaving scars  
Collecting your jar of hearts  
Tearing love apart  
\- “Jar of Hearts”, Christina Perri 

I think I must have blacked out for a few minutes because I woke up on the couch, Mr. J and Maggie staring down at me worriedly.  
“Harley?” Maggie asked tearfully.  
I sat up very suddenly, nearly knocking them down in the process, “Jesus Christ, how in the hell are you still alive?!”  
“I figured that would be the logical first question.” She chuckled.  
I took a good look at her. Her hair had been dyed a golden blonde, but her dark brunette roots were starting to peek out. She now had green eyes, which meant she must have had colored contacts in because her eyes were naturally a chocolate brown, and she was dressed in a sloppy NYU sweatshirt (one I gave her when I was in undergrad) and crappy jeans. Not normal Maggie.  
“Uh…yeah, that’s about right.” I said, and I embraced her tightly, “I missed you so fucking much.”  
“I missed you too, sis,” she stared at me for a moment, “You look like someone bulldozed over your heart. What’s wrong?”  
“That’s not important right now.” I said dismissively, trying to avoid Mr. J’s eyes, “Where the fuck have you been? Why haven’t you called? No more changing the subject.”  
“Oh, ok,” she smiled warily, “Well, here goes. I should probably start at the point that would be the most confusing. Ok, so after I ratted Jordan out to the deans, they expelled him. Needless to say, he was pissed at me.”  
“Naturally,” I remarked, “But you did the right thing.”  
“I hope so. Anyway, a week or so passed after you left and my friend Katie came over to study for our ridiculous endocrine system test we had the next day. Jordan’s ass just barges into my apartment, wielding a gun. I was in the bathroom when I heard a gunshot. I ran into the living room and Katie was just lying there in a pool of blood. I screamed my head off, and Jordan looked up. He turned white as a ghost when he realized it wasn’t me he had just shot, and he bolted. I immediately called the cops. They took me to the station; we talked it over, and decided it would be best to put me in witness protection until the whole thing blew over.”  
“Oh, wow, that makes a lot of sense.” I was relieved to hear that she had been safe all this time.  
“They sent me to a salon, changed my hair, gave me contacts, and sent me on my merry way to Billingston, Nebraska.”  
“Never heard of it.”  
“I’m not surprised. It’s a town of approximately 2000 people.” Maggie said dryly, “They found me an apartment and gave like a thousand bucks a month to live on.”  
“That’s awful.” I patted her hand, “I’m so sorry.”  
The Joker scoffed in the corner and I silenced him with a hard glare.  
“It’s fine. It was just a very lonely few months, I guess…until I met Ryan.” Maggie grinned.  
“Ryan?” I inquired.  
“I’ll explain in a minute. Anyway, I got a phone call 2 days ago that someone shanked Jordan in prison and he died, which meant I was free. So I packed an overnight bag and came here. I guess it’s kind of a shock, huh?” she smiled sheepishly, “I know I shouldn’t have just waltzed on in here like this, expecting you to not ask a ton of questions. I know it’s really confusing and there is so much left to explain. The point is that I’m back now and I’m so happy I can be Maggie Quinzel again.”  
“I just can’t believe this is real life.” I said, shaking my head, “Believe me, I’m really, really happy you’re alive. I’ve just had too many shocks in one day.”  
The Joker put his hand on my shoulder, “It’s ok, babe. We’re here for you.”  
“Thanks,” I said shortly. I was still a little pissed at him for…oh you know…threatening to leave me and all that. I was relieved that he hadn’t left, I had to admit. I didn’t want come back to an empty apartment especially after what happened at the hospital today. I wasn’t prepared to be that alone.  
“So, this was the guy you were running from?” Maggie raised an eyebrow, “He doesn’t seem so bad.”  
“You don’t know everything.” I sighed deeply, “But long story short, we worked out our differences and just let this happen.”  
“I can live with that answer.” She shrugged, “As long as you’re happy.”  
“Well, who is this Ryan person then?” I poked her in the chest, like I used to do when we were teenagers and talking about cute boys.  
She slapped my hand away, “If you would allow me to talk, I could tell you! Ryan is from the town I lived in. He’s a cop there.”  
“Ooh, that’s always nice.” I drawled, “What is he like? How’d you meet?”  
“Well, that’s the interesting part of the whole scenario. He was my personal security guard and he handled my protection case, talked to the FBI, all that shit. He’s 6’3”, fit, and just the nicest guy ever. When I go back, we’re moving in together.”  
“Wait, wait, go back?” I asked, a hint of desperation in my tone, “To Nebraska?”  
“Yeah,” she affirmed, “I’m staying here for a few days to get my paperwork in order, then I’m leaving.”  
It was at that precise moment I noticed a glint coming from her left hand.  
“Holy shit, you’re engaged!” I said in one breath.  
She smiled down at her hand, “I am. Another reason I’m here. I want to you to be my maid of honor.”  
Twice in a year span. I was rocking that bridesmaid thing.  
“Of course!” I hugged her, “I will be the best maid of honor ever, I promise.”  
“I hope it’ll turn out better than Pam’s wedding…” Mr. J muttered, and I socked him one in the solar plexus for his insubordination.  
“Uh, not my fault, jack-ass!” I snapped, “Can’t exactly predict the incidence of a man on a homicidal rampage through the city!”  
Maggie just sat there watching this exchange with a look of pure bewilderment on her face, “Is there something I need to know?”  
The Joker and I both looked at her at the same time and said in unison, “You don’t even want to know.”  
I turned back and smiled a little at him, and I think he couldn’t help but crack one in return. Maybe we weren’t so fucked up after all.   
I looked back over at my sister. This all seemed like a dream to me. I think that maybe this was a sign that things were going to get better, that things were possibly not as horrible as I made them out to be before. Maybe I should keep – wait, wait, no. What am I saying? I was still going to go through with the…you know, the thing that I was going to do. I couldn’t even stomach saying it, even in my mind. I don’t know if that should mean something to me, but at the moment, I was too ecstatic to see Maggie that I couldn’t even think about my other situation.  
“I just…I just can’t believe you’re here, Maggie.” I said, hugging her again, “Sorry for being so emotional.”  
“I understand completely,” she laughed, “I’m just so happy being able to be myself again. It was getting creepy being someone else.”  
“I would imagine,” I said, feeling my body literally cringe at the irony of what she said. I shook it off and smiled to cover up my discomfort at the thought, “I’m sure you were wondering where I was when you got here.”  
“Oh no, he explained everything.” She said, gesturing to the Joker, “Harley, I think you’re going to need some therapy after all of this. But on the other hand, he did say that you two were going to Venice soon so I think that some European air will clear that up nicely.”   
I kept on my smile for pure force of will, “Oh he did, hmm?”  
“Yeah, he said that he wanted to take you for your anniversary. That’s really nice of him to do, and I’m kind of surprised that you didn’t take to the idea. I would be thrilled if my fiancé took me to Italy. He doesn’t really have the money.” Maggie shrugged, “But then again, I do have access to my trust fund now, I guess.”   
“Yeah, we do.” I realized at that moment that Maggie and I never will able to mourn our parents together because she had been away – or, well, at the time she was thought dead – and I saw the true pain cross her eyes.   
“When did you find out?” I asked quietly.  
“They told me when it happened. I know it’s been a while, but I still can’t grasp the fact that I’ll never see them again and that Dad isn’t going to be able to walk me down the aisle.” Maggie wiped at her eyes.  
I embraced her and knew the gravity of this moment. My father did walk me down the aisle that fateful day and look how well it worked out for him. I guess I never really thought about the fact that he was at least able to do that for me before he died. I would imagine that no one told Maggie that the Joker was the source of her complete misery, and I thought it best not to tell her that…ever. I don’t think she would ever allow me to stay with him knowing that, and at the same time, knowing that I was still with him even after knowing that he killed our parents. I mean, come to think of it, I still don’t know why I am with him after that. Life is fucking weird.  
“Yeah, I’m sad that he’s never going to be able to do that for you, either, hon.” I said, stroking her back, feeling the Joker’s eyes burn into me from behind, “Dad loved us both so much. I miss him and Mom every day. I’ve never stopped missing them. It gets easier a little more every day to cope with it, but I know I will never be able to completely come to terms with their deaths.”  
“Neither will I,” she exhaled deeply, “I’m so happy we at least still have each other, Harley. We’ve both been through hell to get where we are, and I’m glad that from now on we can do this together. I didn’t know what to do before I met Ryan. I mean it’s not like he was a replacement for you or anything, but he did help me get through my depression when Mom and Dad died. I saw a therapist when I was there and everything because the court ordered me to, considering what I had seen, and I was so thankful that I had her when Mom and Dad passed away, too.”  
“I wish I had a therapist.” I admitted, “It doesn’t do me that much good to psychoanalyze myself.”  
The Joker snorted derisively and I ignored him.  
“He’s just an ass, leave him be.” I said dismissively.  
Maggie smiled to herself, and I peered at her inquisitively, “What?”  
“You act so much like yourself when you’re around him. I was really skeptical of this guy when you first told me about him and all the trouble he has seemed to cause you in the past, but I think he really cares deeply about you. You can tell by the way he looks at you that he wants to give you everything.” She met eyes with the Joker, “If you don’t mind me saying so.”  
“I don’t mind.” He said, actually flushing a little. I then was startled for a moment. I had been focusing so much on Maggie that I didn’t see that Mr. J didn’t have any of his make-up on right now. He was completely normal looking, if you could believe it. He had let her see into his real self and that meant everything to me. I wanted him to be himself in front of people and this was the first person I had ever seen him do that with; he wouldn’t even take his make-up off in front of Pam and Selina even though they were my close friends and they knew who he was.  
I reached for his hand, and he grabbed it instinctively, squeezing it. I think that was my way of saying ‘thank you’ and he knew me well enough to know that it was what I meant by the gesture.  
“I think you should hang onto him if he’s been with you through everything that he’s told me about, I mean with Bruce and Selina and all that drama…among many other things.” Maggie’s eyes suddenly lit up in recognition, “Oh, right, they had the baby today! That’s why you were gone!”  
“Yes, that’s right.” I confirmed.  
“How was that?”   
“Um, kind of weird to be honest,” I think that was the nicest and really only simple way of explaining that situation to anyone, “It’s a little odd to be the godmother to a baby that was conceived while your boyfriend was cheating on you, but Edward is adorable. He looks like Bruce.” I said it without even thinking, and I closed my mouth shut immediately. I couldn’t say more than that because I didn’t want to start bawling like a fucking idiot in front of my sister.  
“Well, Harley, you only need to be involved as much you want to, you know. I’m sure Selina and Bruce know that you’re not exactly comfortable with the whole thing.” Maggie raised an eyebrow, “Aren’t they? Do they not care about how you feel?”  
I almost started laughing uncontrollably but I restrained myself, “Um, no, Mags. I don’t either of them actually give a shit about me. Pam is the only sane one in that disturbing triangle and she is the one who asked me to get involved. I only do things for her, not Selina or Bruce. Can you even imagine me wanting to do anything to help Bruce?”  
“No, no, I know.” She shook her head vehemently, “I just don’t know why you want to be friends with them if they treat you like shit.”  
“That’s a good point and I’ve gone over it too many times in my head for it to be worth discussing.” I smiled half-heartedly, “Seeing Bruce was enough to hurt me today. I don’t really want to think about it anymore.”  
“Oh yeah, yeah, I know, I’m so sorry!” Maggie was clearly flustered, “I didn’t mean to bring it up and make you upset!”  
“I’m not upset anymore. I’ve had 7 months to get over it.” I shrugged nonchalantly, “Let’s focus on you. You’re back, you’re happy, and you’re getting married. That’s the best news I’ve heard in a really long time and I want to hold onto that as long as possible.”  
The Joker stood up, “I’ll let you two discuss the wedding plans. I don’t think this is something I need to be involved in; plus I have work to do at the warehouse.”  
“Ok,” I said, and I looked up at him, “I’ll see you later?”  
I think he could understand why I asked that question. I was 99 percent sure that he only stayed here because Maggie showed up at our door. I don’t know what was going to stop him now that Maggie was back in my life and I could be truly happy again.   
“Yeah, I’ll see you later.” He said, and disappeared into the bedroom, closing the door.  
I couldn’t really say if I was relieved or not, but I had to shake it off and deal with the current task at hand. I turned to face Maggie, “So, what kind of dress are you looking to buy?”  
…  
After many long hours of discussing wedding preparations and having Chinese food, Maggie determined that it was time to go back to her hotel for the night. I didn’t want her to go this soon, but she assured me that we could grab lunch and do some wedding shopping tomorrow before she went to Nebraska. She left in a flurry, and I was left all alone.  
It was a disturbing silence. No Joker, no Maggie, no constant calls from Pam about a pregnant Selina. Everything had come to fruition in my life at this point. I was still worried that the Joker wasn’t going to come back, that he lied to me because he didn’t want to create an argument in front of Maggie. I had to give him credit for assuring Maggie of his intentions with me, but he was a very good liar and he lied to get what he wanted from people so naturally I was not hopeful.  
I sat down on the couch and Bud jumped up next to me. I petted his head and back absent-mindedly for a while, and I think he even got bored of that because he went to lay down with his brother and pass out in their huge dog bed that I had to steal from PetSmart’s warehouse because I didn’t want to buy one. I’m such a classy bitch.  
I had fallen asleep on the couch, alone with my nagging thoughts, and woke up when I heard the door opening, squeaking as always. I glanced groggily at the clock. 3:30 AM. Typical.  
I sat up with some effort, and looked over at him. He was putting down his bag. It was completely dark in the apartment so I don’t think he saw that I had woken up. He went into the bathroom and I heard the water running. He was taking his make-up off. I felt my heart leap a little. He was staying, at least for the night. All hope was not lost. After a few minutes, he came out of the bathroom, turning off the light as he went. He walked over to me, still not having spoken one thing at this point, and leaned over me, kissing me on the lips. It was not gentle, nor was it forceful. It was somewhere in-between that I didn’t really have the words to describe. But for now, I knew it meant one thing: forgiveness.


	12. Not the Way You Seemed

Chapter 12: Not the Way You Seemed

You fooled me with your kisses  
You cheated and you schemed  
Heaven knows how you lied to me  
You’re not the way you seemed  
\- “(You’re the) Devil in Disguise,” Elvis Presley

I suppose I knew things were not going to be perfect for long. And by that I mean I knew things were not going to be perfect past that night because I had to make a decision about this baby and fast. So many scenarios ran through my mind; I could just say I miscarried, but he’d never believe me. He knew how much I didn’t want it. I tried to play out every single consequence in my mind obsessively. No matter what I did it caused one of us to be in pain in some way. I figured that having the baby wouldn’t be as horrible as I thought it would be to begin with, but at the same time, I was petrified to have a baby. I knew nothing about children. I barely was one myself. I had no parents to help me, no grandparents, no one except Maggie but I was going to be an entire continent away from her if I decided to go to Venice so she was virtually no help at all.  
The Joker and I slept in the same bed that evening which was saying a lot considering our argument the day before. I just kept wishing he’d tell me that having the baby was my decision but he just wouldn’t admit to that at all. He stood by his sneaky bullshit that he pulled to get me pregnant. I kept going over the past few days in my mind, just laying there in bed staring at the ceiling having absolutely no idea what the fuck to do. I realized that I had missed the appointment I had made with the doctor and she probably assumed that I was going to keep it now. But then again, this stuff probably happened all the time because it was such a ridiculously huge decision. Maybe I was making it out to be something worse than it was. The Joker kept assuring me that I would make a good mother, and I didn’t doubt him entirely, but I just didn’t think I wanted my child to grow up with me as a mother and him as a father combined. I felt like we were dooming that child to be a complete psychopath. Then again, the child might turn out as normal as humanly possible. Hmm…an interesting thought. One that I hadn’t really considered before.   
This meant that I was considering the notion, that maybe it wouldn’t be so bad after all. Maybe it wouldn’t ruin my life.   
Good Lord help me, I think I want to actually have this baby.   
I stood up shakily from the empty bed. The Joker had long since left to take care of some business at the warehouse. I glanced at Bud and Lou, who were sleeping on the floor next to my side of the bed. They always did that when they sensed I was sad about something, which tended to be a lot of the time. I walked like a zombie out of the bedroom, not believing that I had just made my mind up on this baby thing. Suddenly, I felt an overwhelming sense of relief and a kind of joy that I never expected to feel. It may not have been perfect, but this was what fate had decided for me, I guess.   
I decided to call him and tell him the good news. It was the only thing I could do at this point besides running around the apartment yelling at the top of my lungs. That may not have been a great idea, actually. Scratch that.  
I searched for my cell rabidly, turning over couch cushions. I never used to be this bad about leaving my phone in random places. Maybe it was because I literally had no one to call me. Then I heard it ringing. Oh sweet merciful gods, you have aided me in my quest!  
I am so fucking weird.  
Anyway, I was then able to locate the phone, and didn’t even look at the caller ID; I assumed it was Mr. J calling to check up on me. I answered cheerfully, “Hello babe!”  
“Is this some kind of sick fucking joke?” the voice on the other line snarled.  
Oh shit. It was Bruce.  
“Uh…oh my god I’m so sorry Bruce, I thought you were…I mean…” I was completely taken aback by his tone and the absolute and utter awkwardness of this situation.  
“I know who you thought I was and I don’t give a fuck. Dick says he ran into you at the pharmacy and you were picking up a pregnancy test. Is that true?” he demanded.  
Oh shit motherfucker son of a bitch fuck shit god damn it. That happened.  
“Uh…” I said eloquently.  
“Seriously, Harley? You are not even going to grace me with a response?”   
I managed to gather up my bravado and say, “Well, why is it your business?”  
“I cannot seriously believe that you went and let that clown get your pregnant. You have to bet out of your damn mind!”   
“Excuse me, you are not my father, thank you very much. You have your own child to father so don’t worry about me.” I said snidely, “Also, I still don’t see why me getting pregnant would be any of your business. Obviously it isn’t yours.”   
“Well I’d certainly hope not.” He said in a monotone, “God, how stupid can you be to let this happen?”  
“Dude, sorry, I really don’t want to sit on the phone and be reprimanded for something I couldn’t control. Get a fucking life. And tell your little buddy to butt out, too. He shouldn’t have said anything to you about that.” I was starting to get really aggravated, “Me and the Joker will soon be out of your hair anyway, so just worry about your Armani suits and small dick.”  
He really wasn’t small; I just had to throw that in there for good measure.  
That’s what she said.  
Ok, I need to stop digressing.   
“Harley, I know you’re just being irrational.”   
I wasn’t getting the response I wanted from him; what was with this fake concern, anyway?   
“Look, Bruce, I’m not in the mood for this. I need to go and I don’t feel the need to discuss this with you.” I liked that he chose to ignore the comment I made us leaving; I didn’t feel the need to rub his nose in it and plus I didn’t want him knowing our travel plans.   
“Well that isn’t even the reason I called in the first place.” He said slowly.  
I groaned loudly, and flopped onto the couch. I knew this was going to take a while by his tone.  
“What now?” I asked.  
“I think you know what.”   
“I don’t know what.”  
“I think you need to tell me where Pam and Selina are.”  
Oh fuck. That’s right. I’d been so busy worrying about everything going on with my sister that I had forgotten about Pam and Selina leaving. They would have already gotten on their flight this morning.  
“I have no idea where they are.” I was getting better at playing innocent. Or, well, at least I thought I was.  
“I don’t believe you.”   
Foiled again.  
I sighed, “Look, Bruce, I really don’t know where they are. I saw them a couple days ago at the hospital, and you know that because you were there. I haven’t seen them since because I’ve been dealing with my own emotional trauma.”  
“You’re full of shit. They had to have told you something about them deciding not to take phone calls or texts from me for the past 2 days. I even went to their apartment and knocked on the door and they didn’t answer. What are they trying to do? Are they just fucking with me? Because this isn’t funny. This is my son that I want to see.”  
“I’m well aware of that.” I said.  
“You aren’t helping.”   
“I know I’m not. That’s because I don’t know anything.” Playing the fool was the only move I had at this point and I just had to keep denying that I knew anything because maybe then I would believe it myself.   
“Come on, Harley, be serious for just one little minute of your life. Tell me where they are and I won’t be mad at you. I’ll probably yell but it won’t be because of you. I’ll be mad at the situation, not at you. I promise.”   
“Seriously, I don’t know anything.” I repeated, “I saw them and told them the baby was beautiful and blah blah blah and then I saw you and ran from that hospital. I haven’t heard from them since. Don’t put your misplaced anger on me. I don’t need it. I know you don’t believe you, but if I knew anything at all, I would tell you about it. I mean it.”  
He was quiet for a minute, “I’m getting the impression that you just don’t want to talk to me.”  
“Ya think?!” I snapped, “I’m an inch away from hanging up on you. Every time you call me, you just bring me more misery. I don’t want you in my life but then you had to go and knock up my friend so that you’re in my life forever and it’s really annoying. Good job. I’m so proud of you for not being able to deal with your own insecurities about our relationship enough to cheat on me. Yup, so proud. I don’t have anything left to say to you. I don’t blame Pam and Selina for not wanting you around because you’re an ass-hole. Good-bye.” I then hung up before he could get a word in edgewise.  
There I went again, running my mouth off. I’m so fucking stupid. Now he is really going to figure out that I was totally bluffing. I’m not exactly good at hiding my emotions, if anyone has cared to notice. I called Mr. J and he answered on the second ring, “What’s up?”  
“I hate Bruce Wayne.”  
“That’s not new news. Is that really why you’re calling me?”  
“No, I was actually going to call you about something a little more positive but he had to call me and ruin everything about this moment.” I sighed, exasperated.  
“Why did he feel the need to call you?” God bless his never-ending patience with this me and Bruce situation.   
“Because he figured out that Pam and Selina flew the coop and he assumed I knew something about it. I told him I didn’t.”   
“I’m sure that you were very convincing.” I could just see him rolling his eyes on the other end of the phone.  
“Shut up. I tried to be. You know how he is. He just pisses me off every time I talk to him. I shouldn’t have answered the phone. He also knows about me being pregnant.” I cringed as I waited for his reaction.  
“How the fuck would he know that?” he demanded, “You didn’t tell him yourself, did you?”  
“No…it wasn’t like that exactly.” My voice trailed off.  
“Well then what was it like exactly?”   
“It was like I went to the pharmacy by Pam’s apartment and his little butt buddy saw me buying a pregnancy test and I told him that he couldn’t tell anyone or I’d kill him. Guess now I have to chop his balls off. And I’ve been so good about maiming people lately.”  
“That wasn’t your fault, then. I’ll get Ramone on it. I’ll make sure that that kid doesn’t see the light of day again.” He said firmly.  
“Um, that seems a little harsh. A beat-down would be preferable, if you don’t mind.”  
He cursed to himself and then said into the phone, “Fine, fine. Beat-downs are his specialty.”  
“Ok, that makes me feel a little better.” I said, truly meaning it.  
“I have to assume you called to tell me other news than Bruce being an ass-hole.”  
“I think it would be best if I told you in person, come to think of it.” I admitted, “It would be easier to talk then.”  
“Oh,” he said simply, without emotion.  
“I don’t want you to think that this is a bad thing.” I pressed, “Please don’t be mad at me. You won’t be mad once we talk. Please believe me.”  
“Ok…” he said reluctantly, “You scare me when you talk like this.”  
“I know it sounds bad, I do. It’s going to be fine, though, I promise.”   
“Alright, well, I need to get back to the guys. Bank robberies don’t plan themselves, you know.”  
“Naturally,” I affirmed.  
We hung up.  
I am such a chicken-shit, not telling him on the phone. I don’t know why I was so nervous to say anything; it’s not like he’s going to be mad. In fact, he’s going to be very happy about it. I continually surprise myself at how stupid I can be. Ugh.  
My phone vibrated in my hand and I looked down at the caller ID. It was Bruce again.   
I debated for about half a second what I should do, and then realized I would be better off not thinking about it. I pressed the ‘end call’ button and let it go to voicemail. Fuck’em.  
I walked away from my phone to remove temptation and went into the kitchen to get some chocolate. I’m pregnant; I can be a big fat fatty and it won’t matter anymore. HA.  
My phone toned with the sound of the voicemail. I picked it up and considered just deleting it. But I’m a martyr and listened to it.  
“Harley,” –insert big, long sigh here- “I really don’t know why you aren’t answering the phone. Actually, I think I do know why and it’s because I’m a jerk. I shouldn’t be calling you up and yelling at you. But at the same time, you know where my son is and I’m not going to stop calling you until you tell me. This isn’t a threat; it’s a promise.”  
Dial tone. I stared at the phone. I should tell him. Actually, no, wait, I shouldn’t. I hate that man. I think he can go take a long hike off a short cliff for all I care. I know that this is his child, but I owe more to Pam and Selina than I will ever owe to him. So, therefore, not happening. He can keep calling me. I’ll just keep hanging up. If he ever comes here, the Joker will have him assassinated in 3 seconds flat. He had cameras all around this building.  
I called Pam’s phone and she answered it after what seemed like forever, “Harley, we just landed. What’s up?”  
“Bruce has already figured out that you guys peaced out on him. He’s pissed, of course.”   
“Naturally,” Pam said, laughing and she held the phone away from her ear as she said to Selina, “Bruce is quicker than we thought, babe.”  
I heard Selina chuckle in the background and then go, “Shh shh Edward shh, Mommy would like one minute without you wailing, thanks.”  
“How is the precious cargo?” I asked, cleaning up a little in the kitchen as I balanced the phone against the side of my head.  
“He will not fucking stop crying. Thankfully he doesn’t really cry during the night so much, just all damn day. It could be worse, I guess.” Pam sighed audibly, “This flight was too long and I am too tired to move into a house today. Plus, we have to take a cab into town because it’s like an hour and a half away from the airport. Joyous.”  
“Well, I bet the cab fare is a hug, anyway.”  
“Harley, honey, they have currency in Wyoming.” Pam couldn’t help but laugh and I’m sure she needed it.  
“Sorry, I am a New Yorker. Nothing exists outside of Manhattan other than farms for me.”   
“Yeah, yeah, I know. Selina, can you call the cab?”   
I heard Selina grumble something and then her voice sounded very far off because she probably walked away from the range of Pam’s cell.   
“So, how did dear Brucie find out about us leaving?” Pam inquired.  
“Well, you guys ignored his phone calls long enough for him to be suspicious. I still don’t know how you guys are going to get away with this considering he is the biological father. He could say you kidnapped his child.” I said. All the thoughts did make me uneasy, I had to admit. Bruce was not stupid and he was not poor; he could hire people to find them and shoot them up in their house. I didn’t want more people in my life to die on me.  
I wasn’t going to tell her any of that right now because I know she just wouldn’t listen. She had enough to deal with at the moment.  
“Bah,” she said in irritation, “Let him try. We’re strong bitches. We can take him.”  
“I’m not worried about you being strong enough, Pamela.”  
“Don’t pull the mom act on me. I need to go anyway. I’ll call you tomorrow when we get a little more settled because Lina is giving me dirty looks right now for staying on the phone.”   
“Alright, alright, talk to you later,” I said.  
“Bye,” she said hurriedly and hung up.  
I glared at my phone. She could be so aggravating sometimes. I think she just listened to Selina and did whatever she wanted her to do. Selina was stupid for thinking that Bruce wasn’t going to find out and that there weren’t going to be consequences for what they had done. I mean, the most logical thing he could do really was just send people after them to get Edward back because technically what they were doing was not necessarily kidnapping but at the same time, they were denying him his right as a father to see his child. I could say I felt bad for him, but I didn’t really. I always did try to put myself in other people’s shoes because I didn’t want to be callous. And also I was a psychologist. That was kind of my job before. God, I miss having a real-people job. God, I miss having a real-people life.


	13. What Love Is

Chapter 13: What Love Is

And you do your best to show me love  
But you don’t know what love is.  
So are you listening?  
So are you watching me?  
\- “Emergency”, Paramore 

The door opened, and I looked up as the Joker came in, putting his back down on the ground in the entryway. Bud and Lou tackled him almost immediately, and he chuckled, “Boys, let me get at your mommy.”  
I stood up, “Mommy for real.”   
He raised an eyebrow at me, “What?”  
I resisted the urge to touch my stomach as I said it, but I didn’t want to make this too cliché. I had to be stubborn in that way, “Um…well, I wanted to tell you on the phone, but…I’m going to keep it.”  
He stared at me in disbelief, “Please, Harley, don’t joke with me about this.”  
I stepped forward, “I am completely serious. I’m keeping it.”  
Then, you wouldn’t even believe it, people. You are not going to believe it and I can’t believe it even as I tell it because I never in a million years thought he would do this. The man legit started tearing up on me. I can’t handle male emotion at all; you should know that by now.  
He reached forward to embrace me, and I stepped back, “Whoa-ho, buddy. Don’t cry on me, please. You’re freaking me out.”  
“Harley, you have no idea how happy you’ve made me. You just don’t know.” He said, laughing.   
It wasn’t his usual scary, goose bump-inducing laugh. It was out of pure joy. I’d never heard that laugh before in all the time I had known him. It almost made me cry but then again I thought that would be too cliché too and I had to stop being so emotional. I wasn’t going to be that kind of pregnant woman.   
He smiled and wiped the tears out of his eyes, “I never thought this day would come. When I met you, I knew you were special. I’m not going to say you were the one and all that bullshit, but I knew you were different from the rest of those mind-sucking therapists who just wanted to make a study out of me. You were pure, you were real. Babe, there were times when you hurt me so bad that I didn’t want to even look at you, but I kept wanting you to come back no matter what happened between us. I know that it’s fucked up as all hell, but it’s the truth. I know we both deserve better than each other, but this is what we’ve got and I can’t believe you’ve stayed this long with me, and even more than that, that you’re willing to take this step with me.”  
This was bordering on dangerous territory, “Dude, if you propose to me right now, I will straight up murder you in your sleep.”  
“I know, I know. I’m going to do that when you least expect it.” He grinned, and kissed me, “You’re such a huge bitch, but I love you anyway.”  
“That’s all a girl ever wants to hear.” I said, feigning the feeling of being choked up. I had to watch it though because my current state would totally induce tears. Help, I’m a mess. I had the distinct feeling that I was going to be pure evil intensified over the course of these 8-ish months.  
“I still want to go to Venice.” I said, “Hate to be greedy, but I deserve a trip to Italy.”  
“Completely understandable.” he affirmed, “I’ve been wanting the travel myself. Gotham is a shit-hole.”  
“Not that you make it any less shittier, puddin’.”   
“I thought we agreed that that nickname doesn’t work.” He rolled his eyes.  
“I don’t know. For some reason, my brain thinks it works. I’m keeping it.” I shrugged nonchalantly, “I have a minor caveat to this whole having your child thing.”  
“And what would that be?”  
“I have plane tickets to visit the girls in bumble-fuck Wyoming. I want to see them before we leave, but I have to go soon because I can’t travel once I get further along. I have to tell them about it in person. Do you understand?”   
“Well, yeah, that makes sense. When do you want to visit them?”   
“As soon as humanly possible. Once I get back, we can pack up and get the fuck out of here. This town has been nothing but trouble for me.”   
“I feel you there. Anyway, this decision calls for celebration. Pizza and sex is on the table for discussion.”  
“I say that both those ideas sound lovely.”   
…  
The Joker left earlier in the morning as he always did, and I turned on my phone to check my messages. 2 voicemails: 1 from Pam’s cell and 1 from Bruce’s work number. Fuck me. I called Pam back first because seriously, Bruce can go suck something. I don’t have witty retorts when I first get up in the morning, sorry.  
Pam answered right away, “Girl, I haven’t heard from you for a couple days. I know you and the man got in a bit of a tiff over this baby thing.”   
“Well I wanted to call you anyway because I wanted to tell you that I am going to come visit you.”  
“Already? We just left like 2 days ago. I didn’t know you would miss me that much.”  
“What can I say? I can’t live without you. Plus, the man and I are going to Venice for an extended period of time.” I tried to hide the excitement in my voice but it didn’t really work.  
“WHAT?! That’s awesome!” she squealed, “I love Italy! I studied abroad there in undergrad! You’re such a lucky bitch!”  
What is it with people all calling me a bitch lately?  
“Ha ha, funny,” I said sardonically, “I am very excited about it. He sort of sprung it on me at the last minute, but you know what, we don’t have anything to lose. We both could use a vacation.”  
“That is absolutely true. Well, I mean Selina and I don’t have much going on these days other than taking care of Edward, so do you want to maybe fly out on Thursday and stay until Sunday or Monday? Would that work?” Pam asked, and then I heard her clanging something, “God damn it! Bacon fell on the floor!”   
“Are you making breakfast?”  
“Yeah, yeah, I got up earlier to make Selina some breakfast in bed.”  
“You’re such a good wifey.” I chuckled, “She doesn’t deserve you.”  
“Nope, she does not. I’ll call you back in a couple of hours and confirm details, ok? Right now I’m having a cooking crisis that needs to be dealt with.”  
“Understandable. Text to you later.”   
“Bye, hon!” She hung up.   
I missed her wise-cracking weird ass so much right now. I think I was just going to deny that she lived in another part of the United States where they had like no paved roads. I don’t know if that was true and I’m really sorry about that to people who actually live in Wyoming. I know nothing about your state and have to assume based on 1860’s depictions in Western films. Close enough.  
I considered listening to Bruce’s voicemail. Then I considered that banging my head against a wall a few times would be more enjoyable.   
I pressed the ‘play’ button on my voicemail screen and held the phone away from my ear so I wouldn’t actually listen to the goddamn thing. All I could hear was some angry tones and “Harley you’re being ridiculous” and some other bullshit and “don’t ignore me or I will keep calling”, blah blah blah.  
I deleted it and moved on with my day. He just tries to ruin my life and it doesn’t work anymore. I’m done with the self-sabotage and I’m actually happy, as surprising as that may seem. I was actually at peace with my decision and didn’t want to change my mind now. I guess my inner peace was even more intensified by the Joker being so absolutely ridiculously happy with me. It did make everything a whole hell of a lot easier to deal with.   
Ok, I need to go vomit. I rushed to the bathroom and hurled chunks. Real sophisticated, I know. I cleaned myself up and went into the kitchen to feed the boys and feed myself some cereal and orange juice. Not together, people; that would be gross.   
…  
I decided after about 35 minutes that I was super bored without the Joker and made the executive choice to go shopping in the heart of the city. I know I’m such a masochist for going out in public when I’m kind of a wanted criminal, but the thrill gets me high. Just kidding. I’m not that strange. Actually, maybe I am if I continue talking to myself.  
I bundled up in my Burberry winter trench-coat and wrapped the similar plaid design scarf around my face. I smashed a knit beret on over my hair and deemed myself ready for a downtown shopping experience. I took a cab into the city and got off near Barney’s New York. I smelled the cold air and the faint scent of Chanel perfume coming from the building and felt instantly warm inside. It reminded me of the winter holidays I would spend with my parents and Maggie in the city, looking at the windows and buying Christmas and Hanukkah gifts for our extended family.   
I walked in and no one even gave me a second glance. Thank God. I didn’t want to draw any attention to myself other than someone complimenting me on my beautiful clothes. I browsed the store, watching the people bustle around me and queue up at the checkout counters. I couldn’t help but smile. I almost felt normal right now, being a part of everyday New York life. I then did something I had never done in my entire life: I went into the maternity section of the store. I thought I might as well buy some stuff before I left for Italy. I felt so damn fancy saying that even in my head.  
I walked around with an aura of pure joy around me for an hour, just looking at expensive clothes and feeling like there was nowhere else I’d rather be at that moment. I picked out a couple of pairs of nice yoga pants for when I got inordinately fat and a couple pairs of sandals for the vacation. I headed toward the main floor to pay for my purchases when suddenly a voice from behind me called my name.  
I turned around, hoping to dear Jesus it wasn’t Bruce Wayne. Nope, it wasn’t. It was fricking teenage pest Dick Grayson in the men’s section, holding three dark dress shirts and some ties of varying shades and patterns.  
“Hey, Harley,” he said with an awkward smile.  
I merely glared at him coldly.  
His smile faded, “What’s wrong?”  
I walked toward him, not trying to draw any attention to this situation any more than humanly possible. I spoke in a low tone, “I think you know what’s wrong, Dick.” I emphasized his name, “You should probably change that name. It’s awful.”  
“Yeah, I know. My parents were weird. I don’t know why Bruce had to go and spill that I told him about your pregnancy test.” He glanced at my clothes, “And I take it that the test was positive?”  
“That’s none of your business, but since you caught me, yes it was and I am keeping it. You might as well tell him that too since you can’t keep your mouth shut.” I snapped.  
“I’m sorry.” He said and he almost sounded sincere, “Can we go get coffee and talk about this more privately?”  
I sighed, exasperated, “If we have to get this out of the way, then yes. That’s fine. I’m going to pay now, so you’d better get a move on.”  
“Alright,” he said, following me to the checkout counter.   
…  
We chose a small place a couple of blocks away and picked a spot at the very back with the least people around. The only person sitting anywhere near us was some hipster with a beanie hat and a Macbook listening to the Shins or something. I don’t know what hipsters listen to so I’m not certain that that assumption is accurate. I’m really judgmental, I apologize.  
We sat down and took off our coats, draping them over the chairs. I grasped my decaf mocha and sipped on it, “So why did you tell Bruce about what you saw that day?”  
“Look, Harley, you have to understand something. Obviously you know that I’m more than Bruce’s intern and that makes us closer than most people. Bruce has become like a father figure to me since my parents passed away last year. He took pity on me and gave me a job when I really needed it at a company that can only keep going up and I can make a ton of money. I owe him a lot.”  
“I get that.” I admitted, “I’m sorry about your parents. Mine are gone too. Fire.”  
“Mine went missing. They’re still not sure what happened to them.” He said, sighing, “Anyway, I spend a lot of time with Bruce and he talks about you all the freaking time. He is kind of obsessed with you, I think. Every time you guys talk, he gets a little crazy.”  
“The feeling is mutual.” I said curtly.  
“I don’t know everything that happened between you two, but whatever did, it really hurt him bad. He just can’t seem to get over you.”  
“Well, he’s going to have to.” I said firmly, “I don’t like talking about our relationship because it is very painful and complicated. I think it would be best if you didn’t get involved any more than you already are in this situation. I’m still pissed at you for telling Bruce about the pregnancy test, though. That was my private business and you had no reason to share it. I don’t appreciate you butting in.”  
“I’m sorry, really.” He said, looking down at his hands awkwardly, “I didn’t know what to do when I saw you. I just thought that maybe it was Bruce’s and…”  
“It’s not.” I interjected.  
“Ok, ok, I wasn’t sure about when you guys broke up and everything, so…I just felt like I had to tell him, considering he’s having a meltdown about not being able to get a hold of Pam and Selina. It’s tearing him apart, if you have to know the details.”  
“Ugh,” I groaned, “He sent you to spy on me, didn’t he?”  
“No, no, no,” he shook his head vehemently, “This was a complete coincidence, I promise. I was just out buying some shirts for him and I saw you walking around. I wasn’t planning on saying anything, but I knew you were probably pissed at me and I wanted to clear the air.”  
“Dude, I don’t even know you from Adam. I’ve met you like 3 times and none of them have really left an impression on me. I just want you to not get into my personal life and please, for the love of all things holy, please don’t tell Bruce that you saw me today. I cannot talk to him. He’s ruining my happiness and I deserve my happiness after all these years of being fucked around. You have to understand that.” I downed the rest of my drink, and said, “Fuck, being pregnant sucks. I have no caffeine buzz from this.”  
He chuckled, “I’m truly sorry for that. I drink coffee every morning.”  
“Go fuck yourself.” I said in a not-too-serious manner, “All things aside, I do appreciate you telling me the truth and admitting to your mistake. You’re not too bad of a guy.”  
“Gee, thanks,” he said sarcastically, but smiled, “You know, I can see why Bruce was so sad to lose you.”  
“What do you mean by that?” I was merely curious. You know that my self-deprecating manner has some basis in my adolescent psychological development as a constant loner and social reject.  
“You’re smart, beautiful, snarky. I think a lot of guys would want you.” He put his hand on mine.  
I withdrew it immediately, “Whoa no, bro!”  
“What’s the matter?”   
“You do not touch me.” I said, wagging my finger at him, “Mr. J has me followed, you know. I don’t know who his accomplices are, but they do know where I am at all times and if they see this, it’s going to create problems for me. Plus, oh right yeah you are a CHILD.”   
“I’m almost 23…”   
“CHILD,” I affirmed.  
“Harley, I didn’t mean to offend you in any way. I just wanted to express what I feel.”   
“Ew, come on, man. I’m like 30 and pregnant and committed to a man who is a homicidal maniac. I own two hyenas. You do not want to deal with the consequences of what you’re trying to do.” I advised, “You just do not want it.”  
“Ok, ok, sorry I said anything at all.” He shrugged, “Not my fault you took it the wrong way.”  
“Alright, a teenager hitting on an older woman? MILF alert, right? Except I’m not a mom…yet…ugh, this whole thing makes me sick.” I felt my stomach churn, “Oh no, that’s just first trimester pregnancy. Excuse me.”   
I ran to the bathroom and proceeded to hurl once again. This baby better be damn worth it.  
I returned to the table, and Dick peered at me, “Are you ok?”  
“Yeah, just peachy,” I said without any hint of emotion, “I need to go. This situation is becoming increasingly uncomfortable by the minute.”  
“I think I understand that.” He said, standing up, “Do you need a ride home?”  
“No, I can manage that myself, thanks.” I put on my coat, “I’ll see you around, I guess.”   
“Alright, see you later.” His voice trailed off as I walked away without giving him as much as a second glance.   
I ambled down the street, assessing what had just happened to me. Bruce’s little weirdo intern and sidekick thought I was hot. Weirdly flattering, but totally inappropriate. I didn’t know how to react to this information. I mean, he was a teenage boy with very confusing emotions. I had been there myself one day; not a teenage boy, of course, but you know what I’m getting at. Hormones and feelings and all that jazz. I sighed to myself and looked up at the grey wintry sky above me. I needed to get past this little hiccup in my day and move on. I needed to stop dwelling on every bad thing that happened to me and take it too personally. I needed to just grow up sooner or later. The Joker had grown up, and I had to follow suit if I was going to continue this relationship. I then had to contemplate whether or not I was going to tell him about this incident. He certainly wasn’t going to be happy and the twerp might be getting a bashing to the kneecaps sometime soon, but at least we’ll have honesty. What a mess.   
I hailed a cab and got off a couple blocks from the apartment. I hated doing it, especially in the winter months, but I had to in order to avoid suspicion or people finding out where I lived. That just wouldn’t do.   
I walked into the apartment and the Joker was sitting on the couch, reading one of our older magazines that I stole from the local bodega. He inquired, “Oh hey, where were you?”  
I held up the shopping bag, “I have a problem.”  
He laughed, “Another reason we’re meant to be. You have addictions.”  
I put the shopping bag in our bedroom and came back out, “So…you’ll never believe who I ran into today.”  
He looked up slowly, “If his initials are BW, I will literally scream my head off.”  
“No, no, not him. I would probably be crying or red-faced if that were the case.” I sat down on the couch next to him, “It was Dick Grayson, the sidekick kid.”  
“Oh really?” he then seemed very unconcerned with my story.  
“He tried to hit on me.”   
“That’s cute.”   
“You’re not going to react to this, even a little bit?” I was kind of annoyed.  
“Oh please, like you’re going to cheat on me with a teenager with no facial hair. How old is he, 14?”  
“Almost 23,” I felt weird repeating that, dirty even, “I just wanted to be honest with you and not withhold anything from you.”  
He kissed my forehead, “Which I really do appreciate.”  
“When did you get so nice? Are you on drugs?” I demanded, “You’re starting to freak me out.”  
“I’m just happy, Harley, really. Things are starting to get better finally, for once in our lives. I’m starting to train one of the guys to take over the business while we’re away and it’s going pretty well and we’re going to have a baby. What could we possibly be upset about?”  
“I guess that makes sense. It just feels weird that we’re not getting into screaming matches every day.” I admitted.  
“Oh, there’s still plenty of years for that.”  
“That’s oddly comforting.”   
“We’re an odd couple, my dear."


	14. Make This Place Your Home

Chapter 14: Make this Place Your Home

Don’t pay no mind to the demons, they fill you with fear  
The trouble it might drag you down  
If you get lost, you can always be found  
Just know you’re not alone  
‘Cause I’m going to make this place your home  
\- “Home”, Phillip Phillips 

I boarded the plane to Wyoming that Thursday afternoon and was sitting in coach (for the first time ever in my life, God help me). I wanted to order a mimosa but then realized that I was pregnant and couldn’t have alcohol. FUCK. I hate my life. I can’t do anything anymore. I might as well just be big fat fatty and lay on a couch all day watching reality television – oh wait I already do that. I guess I’m set for the next 7-8 months. The plane ride took what seemed like forever but probably was 3 or 4 hours in reality. I got off the plane and went to baggage claim to pick up my one small suitcase that they forced me to check because it was too heavy to be a carry-on bag…stupid hair and make-up supplies.   
Once I picked up my bag, Pam was waiting for me right outside the terminal where I got off. Oh, right, there was only one god damn terminal so she wasn’t too hard to find. She got out of the car and embraced me tightly, “I’ve missed you, hon.”  
“Me, too,” I said, and meant it, “Life isn’t the same without you.”  
“Neither is mine without you.” she took my bag and put it in the truck of her forest green SUV.   
I raised an eyebrow, “How suburban mom of you to have this car.”  
“Oh shut up,” she laughed, “We need to have something that’s more durable for the weather and for the roads here. Plus, I am a mother so I might as well fit the mold.”  
We got in the car and closed the doors. She turned on the radio and it blasted some George Strait or some country shit. I glanced at her, “Please for the love of God do not tell me that you like country music now or I will shoot myself.”  
“It’s just on the main station. We only get a few decent ones and sometimes I just have to deal with it.” She shrugged.  
“So how are you going to break it to the others moms at daycare that you’re lesbians and known criminal minds in New York?” I teased, taking out my compact to fix my eye make-up which had gotten a little messed up from sleeping on the plane.  
“Ha ha ha, Harley,” she drawled, “Yes, our neighbors know that we’re lesbians. I think that they could tell immediately. They’ve honestly been very supportive of it considering it’s a small town that doesn’t have much access to the gay world. It’ll be fine. They’re not going to burn us for being witches or anything.”  
“Ok, ok, enough with the comedy routine, sorry. I need to stop before I offend some people.” I said, smiling, “So how far is your house from here?”  
“About 20 minutes,” she replied, “Selina took Edward and went to the grocery store so she’ll probably be back shortly. She wanted to make sure she had some of the food you like so that you’re not complaining about dinner. All we really have near us is McDonald’s and a local family diner so I figure we can go there for breakfast tomorrow if you want.”  
“That’s all fine, thanks, seriously.” I looked out the window at the passing trucks and mountains in the distance, “It is actually beautiful here.”  
“Oh yeah, it is for sure. I’m not used to open space and a landscape. I’ve always lived in the big city, whether it was New York or Seattle. I take a lot of photos and put them up around the house. I’ve got nothing better to do right now.” She admitted.  
“Are you going to get a job or anything?” I inquired.  
“Maybe I will,” she said, “I think that there might be a science teacher position opening up at the high school in the summer, and it’s about an hour from here. I think it would do me some good to do something instead of sitting around the house.”  
“Is Selina doing ok?”   
“Yeah, yeah, she’s great. We’re great in general. It’s an adjustment, the move and the baby, but we’re taking it in stride.” She parked the car in front of a cute little ranch-style house, and turned off the car, “Well, we’ve arrived.”   
“Wow, hon, this is actually really adorable.” I said, “I’m impressed.”  
“Yeah, we thought so.” She looked at it with a discerning eye, “It’s not much, but I think it will work in our favor. I have to plant something soon because you know me, I cannot handle places without plants outside.” She glanced toward the driveway, “Selina must still be out. Come on in.”  
“Ok,” I picked up my suitcase.  
Pam unlocked the door and opened it, and let me through before she went in, “Well, what do you think?”  
I surveyed the premises. It was small, but very homey for sure. It had some nice little plants in colored pots, and leather couches. They gave it a New York feel in a Wyoming setting, which was nice. They had a good deal of artwork from their old apartment and most of the same knick-knacks I had seen before, but a few new things that added to the space.   
“It’s great, honestly,” I said, nodding, “It’s small, but sweet.”  
“Yeah, that’s what we wanted. It’s still bigger than our 1 bedroom in the city at least, and it’s really great that we actually own property now.”   
“Oh, for sure, for sure,” I agreed, “Where should I put my suitcase?”  
“In the guest room,” she led me to a small room next to the main bathroom, “Here’s the spare room. Our room is across the hall, and Edward’s is next to ours. I’m not sure what the spare room was before but we figured it would work as a guest room or you know if we wanted to have more…”  
Her voice trailed off as I stared at her, “More…?”  
“You know what I mean.” She said, flustered.  
“Good Lord, please don’t tell me that she wants to get pregnant again. Who’s going to knock her up this time, Bane?!” I exclaimed.  
“Oh shut up Harley,” she said but laughed anyway in spite of herself, “We’d get a sperm donor this time like we planned to do before this whole mess.”   
“Ok well thank God. I don’t think I could handle another heart attack like that ever again.” I exhaled audibly, and put my suitcase down on the bed, “I’ll unpack later.”   
“Alright,” Pam gestured for me to follow her. She led me into the kitchen and dining room area which still had a vomit-inducing chicken or rooster shit theme in it, “Don’t you dare say anything. We’re going to remodel this ASAP.”  
“You read my mind.” I said, feigning surprise.  
She walked over to the fridge and reached on top for a bottle of wine, “Glass of Cabernet?”  
“Um…no, that’s ok.” I said awkwardly.  
She stared at me hard, and then her eyes widened in recognition, “You are keeping that baby.”  
“Yup, that’s what I’m doing.”   
Suddenly, Pam’s arms were around me and she was squeezing me tightly, “I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU!”  
“Eh get off me, you creep!” I said, pushing her away.  
Her eyes were filled with tears, “Edward’s going to have a little friend to play with! I hope you have a girl and then they can get married – or a boy, whatever, we’re cool with him being gay!”  
“You’d like that. That’s never happening. I will never let my child marry the child of Bruce Wayne. You got that?” I pointed at her, “No getting crazy ideas in your head, missy.”  
She pouted, “But it would be so precious.”  
“I know it would, but I would never be able to live with that.” I said adamantly.  
“Bah, fine, you are no fun at all.” Pam looked up as the door opened and the sound of Selina’s voice came echoing through the living room and accompanied with the sound of crinkling grocery bags.  
Pam sprinted forward, “SELINA YOU WILL NEVER BELIEVE IT!”  
I followed her, face still red with embarrassment, and saw Selina standing there, holding Edward in her arms, almost frozen in confusion, “What the fuck are you yelling about?”  
“Harley is pregnant and keeping the baby!” Pam gave me that same fond look that made me want to hurl profusely. Except that that feeling was real.  
“Excuse me,” I said, bolting for the bathroom and slamming the door.  
“Oh my God she has morning sickness!” I heard Pam wail, “I’m just so happy for her, baby!”  
“Pam, you are a disaster.” Selina said, dead-pan.   
I couldn’t hear much else over the sound of my own being sick in the toilet. It’s a super classy image of me, I know, but that’s my life currently. I never in a million trillion years thought that I would be puking on a regular basis for the Joker. Lord help me.  
Once I felt like I had nothing left in my stomach, I left the bathroom and saw Pam and Selina sitting on the couch, holding Edward. I walked over and sat down on the arm of the couch, “He looks a little bigger.”  
“Yeah, he’s our little man.” Pam said fondly, playing with his fingers, “He’s so perfect.”  
“He really is.” I smiled.  
“Are you happy that you’re going to have your own?” Selina asked, but she didn’t ask in a kind or lovey-dovey way, but rather in a matter-of-fact and direct way.  
“Um…yes, for the most part. I was not happy at all when I first found out, as you know. I feel a little guilty that I was going to…you know…but once I talked it over with the Joker, then I felt that maybe it was the right time. I’m not getting any younger and I need to start thinking about having a family. I don’t feel ready, though.”  
“No one ever does.” Selina shrugged, “You know I wasn’t happy about it either but I am in a committed relationship and have everything available to support him as he grows up. It’s better than never, honestly. I never really knew if I wanted to be a mother, but now that I am, it does kinda suck at times but I am at peace with the decision I made.”  
“Thanks, that does kind of help.” I admitted, “It’s nice to know that other people don’t always want their pregnancies. I just know that there are people out there that really want kids and I feel stupid for acting like a brat.”  
“Well, you are a brat.” Pam pointed out.  
“Shut up Pamela.”  
“Oh, please, we’re all brats. We sit here and bitch about having to get up and find a remote.” Selina remarked, “First world problems.”  
We all laughed. Pam stood up, “Well, it’s getting near dinner time. I want pizza. How about you guys?”  
“It won’t be as good as New York pizza, but I’ll take a chance.” I shrugged.  
“I’ll tell you right now that it isn’t, but they give it a shot.” Pam said, and walked to the kitchen to call the pizza place.  
Selina rocked Edward in her arms, “He’s been so much calmer today. I like it when he’s like this.”  
“He’s a newborn. What do you expect?”   
“I don’t know what I was expecting, I guess.” Selina admitted, “Honestly, Harley, I am really happy that I’m a mother. I know that it sounds ridiculously cliché, but it has changed my life. I just can’t help worrying about him asking questions about his dad, you know. No one around here has lesbian parents. Hopefully by the time he grows up, there will be and someone will understand. I just worry that I’ve let my love get in the way of my son’s happiness.”  
“Selina, he will know nothing else than you and Pam and I know you guys. You will raise him to be tolerant and kind, and also to kick ass and stand up for himself.” I said, and touched my own stomach like a reflex, “I hope I can teach that to my kid.”  
“Oh, you will, you will.” Selina said reassuringly, “You are a bad-ass and your kid will know that. Plus, I heard you guys are going to Venice? Are you guys having the baby there?”  
“I’m not sure yet. I just don’t want things to be complicated about citizenship if the time comes. At the same time, the Joker and I are going to change our identities when we get there because we don’t want trouble. We might have to stay there a long time because technically we’ll be fugitives from the law here. There may be a chance we can’t even come back.”  
“WHAT?!” Pam exclaimed.  
I was startled as I looked up and saw her standing there, cell phone still in hand, “What do you mean, ‘what’?”  
“I mean, you’re seriously going to another country and you may not ever come back?!” Pam rushed to my side, “Please tell me you’re joking.”  
“I don’t know. I can’t say anything about that right now. We’re just going to have to cross that bridge when we get there.” I said in response, “Don’t have a meltdown about it.”  
“How am I not supposed to care, Harley? You’re my best friend!”  
“You guys moved to Wyoming without telling me, you know!” I retorted.  
“Ok, fine, I can’t argue with that.” She conceded, “But I’m still pissed. Europe is not the United States; it’s a whole other continent for God’s sake!”  
“You guys can come anytime you want. Don’t complain about having free lodging in Italy.” I raised my eyebrow at her, “That just sounds petty.”  
“She’s right about that.” Selina piped up.  
Pam folded her arms across her chest, “I’m still not happy about this.”  
“Come on, Pam, stop. I didn’t want to say anything yet because I think the fact that I’m having a baby was news enough for one visit.” I sighed audibly, “I didn’t really want to talk about the Italy thing but I ran my mouth off as usual.”  
“Well, why were you telling Sel and not me?” she demanded.  
“Because your over-reacting ass can’t handle it.” I said matter-of-factly, “As you have shown me.”  
She opened her mouth to expel some witty retort, but the doorbell rang, “Hold that thought.”  
She went to the door and paid the pizza guy, bringing it over to the coffee table, “Let me get some plates and napkins.” She looked at Selina, “You think Edward might be hungry?”  
“Well, I fed him a couple of hours ago.” Selina said, “He’s asleep anyway. I’ll put him in his crib for the time being.”  
“Alright,” Pam said and gestured for me to follow her, “Can you help me?”  
“Sure,” I said, standing up.  
We went into the kitchen and grabbed the plates and napkins from the cabinets and then brought them into the living room. Selina opened the pizza box and we handed her a plate. We sat, munching happily on the cheesy goodness for a few minutes, listening to the sound of Friends playing on the TV in the background. It was Pam’s favorite show, but I kind of hated it. I just put up with it because she loved it so much and I had a feeling Selina felt the same.  
“So, what made you decide to keep the baby?” Pam asked.  
“No warning there, huh?” I looked up, startled, “Um, well…it just came to me really. I just realized that the Joker and I are in a good place and we can probably take care of the baby with some ease. I was worried before about it, but now I’m just not as worried. Does that seem weird?”  
“No, not at all,” Selina said, “It’s your decision.”  
Pam nodded in agreement, “We just wanted to make sure that the Joker wasn’t forcing you into it or anything.”  
“Well…” I hesitated, debating whether or not to tell them that he did kind of force it by fucking with my birth control, but I figured that it sounded awful and so I said instead, “No, not exactly. We weren’t being careful, but it’s probably a blessing in disguise.”  
“Yeah, it’s interesting how our lives have kind of coincided like this.” Selina remarked.  
“Well, except I’m with the father.” I had to get my digs in because, sorry I’m not sorry I’m a bitter bitch. But now I can attribute being a bitch to being pregnant. YES. This could work. 10 more points to this pregnancy business; I can only see the benefits other than being fat and disgusting. And now I feel sad. This is fun.  
“I’m choosing to ignore that comment.” Selina narrowed her eyes at me, “I heard that Bruce contacted you about not knowing where the baby was.”  
“Yup, sure did.” I said, grabbing another piece of pizza, “I told him I didn’t know anything, so naturally he didn’t believe me.”  
“He’s such a dickhead. This is why we left in the first place.” Pam rolled her eyes, “I can’t take his constant nagging and calling and texting. We’re women and we’re not even that bad.”  
“Yeah and he knows about me being pregnant, too. Fucker thought it might be his. Even if it was, NO FUCKING WAY.” I shook my head vehemently, “I literally can’t even cope with the fact that the Joker is the father let alone him. He was too busy boinking Kitty over there to get me pregnant.”  
“Hey!” Selina said indignantly, and Pam looked like she was trying really, really hard not to laugh.   
“Sorry, you know it’s true. And good luck to you, he’s a real keeper.” I said, toasting her with my slice of pizza.  
“You don’t need to take your unresolved issues out on me.” Selina didn’t look she was even kidding anymore; she actually looked pretty pissed off, “I don’t hold anything over your head.”  
“That’s because you have nothing to hold over my head!” I instantly snapped back, “Don’t act like I’ve done anything wrong here.”  
“You just won’t let me and Bruce’s relationship go. You didn’t want him anyway, so why do you care?”   
“Uh, because you clearly care still,” I said, making a stupid childish face at her, “Sorry that you’re not over him.”  
“You ever think that maybe he wanted us to be together instead of you two?” Selina insisted, “Are you really so vain that you think that he actually loved you more than me?”  
“Dude, are you actually being serious right now?!” I was so mad that I had to put my pizza down. This was a big deal, so shut up. Even Pam was staring between us, trying to figure out who to defend in this moment. I don’t think she could make up her mind.  
“Selina, do you still have feelings for Bruce?” I demanded, “Do you? Because that could be the only explanation for why you are saying these things; you wanted him to be with you instead of me and then when he went back to me, you decided to go sink your claws into Pam so that you’d have someone to take care of your baby!”  
“You’re way out of line!” Pam finally spoke up, “That is not what happened! I knew Selina was pregnant way after we met and marrying her had nothing to do with that!”   
“Oh, I’m so sure!” I was so sarcastic it made my teeth hurt, “I don’t doubt that you two are in love now, believe me. I just don’t think that this marriage was exactly built on a solid foundation.”  
“That’s not true.” Pam said quietly, “We do love each other. I don’t know why you’re reacting this way.”  
“I know why, and it’s because she’s fucking jealous!” Selina said, pointing at me, “She wanted to have Bruce’s baby and she’s taking it out on me!”   
“UM HELLO I AM PREGNANT RIGHT NOW.” I exclaimed, “And I am so goddamn happy that it isn’t Bruce’s it isn’t even funny! I don’t want his child! That’s why I didn’t marry him!”   
Selina fell silent. How was she going to argue with that?  
Pam stepped between us, “Ok, we were having a good time and you guys had to go and ruin it. You’re lucky you didn’t wake Edward up.”  
“I’ll go check on him.” Selina said without any emotion, and stalked off toward the baby’s room.  
Pam looked at me with that disapproving stupid look she does whenever she’s disappointed in me, and I sulked, “I’m not apologizing to her.”  
“Yes, you are.” She said matter-of-factly.  
“I will apologize to you. I’m sorry for saying that. I just can’t help it; Selina infuriates me. I know you love her, but good fucking luck with the rest of your lives. She’s out of her damn mind.”  
“She just had a baby. Things are going to be off for a while. You’ll find out.” Pam shrugged, and started cleaning up the pizza box and plates, “I do accept your apology. I know your hormones are off and you’re just trying to deal with it. Selina’s just a little less understanding than I am, unfortunately.”  
I followed her, “I thought I could get along with her, but I just can’t. I know you love her and that’s what really matters, though. I’m sorry for ruining your evening.”  
“It’s fine. You know me. I let things wash over me, but she doesn’t. She takes things harder. She pretends like everything is ok, but it never is. I know her better than that.” She explained, “I like to talk about it, she doesn’t. It’s just something we have to work on.”  
“Yeah, I guess you guys probably judge me for being with the Joker, anyway. It’s pretty ridiculous that I’m with him to tell you the truth. We have the weirdest relationship I’ve ever seen. I gave up on psychoanalyzing myself over it because it never seems to make sense. We just defy logic. And I kinda like that about us.” I admitted, “I don’t even know his real name. Woops.”  
Pam chuckled, “It’s ok, hon. We’ll always have things to learn about our lovers. It’s just the way it goes.”   
“Yeah, but at least you know her name.” I hung my head, “I feel like shit.”   
Damn emotions. They screw your ass up, let me tell you.   
She smiled, “Will you please apologize to her?”  
“I guess.” I mumbled.  
“Please and thank you.”   
…  
I knocked on Edward’s door, and asked softly, “Selina?”  
She was sitting in a rocking chair, holding a sleeping Edward. She looked up, and held up a finger to mimic a ‘shh’ gesture. She slowly stood up and put Edward down in his crib; she tucked him in and smiled down at him with such a fondness that almost made me cry. Almost. I’m not that not in control of my emotions yet, people.  
I backed out of the room and Selina closed the door behind her. She turned to face me, “What do you want?”  
“I want to apologize.”   
“For…?” she raised an eyebrow.  
She was going to make me say it. Damn.   
I sighed, “I want to apologize for insinuating that you don’t really love Pam. I know you do. I’m just hormonally incapacitated right now and I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I don’t know when I’m supposed to go to the gynecologist or when my due date is and everything else. Also, the Joker can’t even help me with things like that because he can’t go in public and I feel like I’m alone on some crazy island here. I’m just messed up.”  
I saw a look of genuine pity cross through her eyes, “Oh, Harley…I’m sorry. I didn’t even think about how stressed you must be.”   
“Ok, ok, don’t start getting emotional on me, please. I know that I’m a pathetic creature right now and that’s ok if you feel bad for me, but please don’t tell Pam that I said any of this. She’ll move back to New York for the next few months and never leave me alone.”   
“Your secret is safe with me.” She said with a small smile, “I’m emotionally confused too, as Pam may have said. I told you that having this baby wasn’t ideal, and it isn’t. I don’t know to handle any of this either and I know that you’re going to go through the same thing. But, all I know is, this argument we had…all it made me want to do was hold him. That has to mean something.”  
“I’m sure it does.” I affirmed.  
“Look, we’re both disasters and I realize that. I’m still pissed off that you would think that about me, but I know we have to get along for Pam’s sake. Honestly, sometimes I like you and sometimes I really, really don’t. Is that bad?”  
“No, I feel the same way.” I laughed, “I think you’re a soulless pain in the ass.”  
“And I think you’re a manipulative bitch.”  
“That’s so sweet.” I said, putting a hand over my heart, “I might tear up.”  
We both started giggling uncontrollably.   
Selina put her hand on my shoulder, “Ok, let’s just get this straight. We will at least pretend to like each other and hope that maybe someday, we actually do.”  
“Deal.”


	15. Seemed Like the Real Thing

Chapter 15: Seemed Like the Real Thing

Much of mistrust, love’s gone behind  
Once I had a love and it was divine  
Soon found out I was losing my mind  
It seemed like the real thing but I was so blind  
\- “Heart of Glass”, Blondie 

After that argument, I didn’t feel like being social. Thankfully Pam and Selina had a small TV in the guest room for convenience purposes, so I borrowed a couple of movies and bid them adieu so I could cool off. That meant me watching 27 Dresses and literally just sobbing over nothing for 10 minutes (normal) and then watching The Hangover and crying even more hysterically (not normal). This shit is getting old real damn fast.  
I finally fell asleep and then woke up to the strong smell of breakfast. Eggs and bacon. As we all know, I’m a fatty so I was like on that in 4 seconds flat. Pam laughed as I basically ran into the kitchen, “I have a plate made for you, dear.”  
“I should marry you instead.” I said, staring down at the godliness before me.  
“Sorry, sweetie, happily married.” She flashed her expensive Tiffany’s at me.   
“I want one of those.” I said, digging into my breakfast.  
“I’m sure he’s going to give you one, especially now that you have a baby on the way.” Pam said reassuringly, “I mean, he was looking already months ago.”  
I slowly looked up, “What do you mean?”  
“Oh my God, I’m such a dumb-fuck. I shouldn’t have said anything.”  
“Saying that doesn’t satisfy me in the slightest.” I said, dead-pan.  
“Sorry, he made me promise not to say anything for a while, but he should know better than to have me keep secrets from you.” she shrugged nonchalantly, “I mean, he never showed me anything so I assume maybe he gave up for now.”  
“Oh God…” I groaned, “I wish I didn’t know. Now it’s going to make me anxious.”  
“I’m sure he’s the type that’s going to propose over dinner or something really mundane, you know. I don’t think he’s the fireworks in the sky kind of man.” She said, picking up my plate to get me some more eggs, “I feel so stupid. He’s going to be so mad that I told you.”  
“I’m not going to tell him that you said anything.” I assured her.  
“Ok, because if you do, I’m gonna punch you.” she said teasingly. She threatens me with violence generally more than once a day so I’m used to it.  
“Is Selina up yet?” I inquired.  
She looked at the clock; it was about 10:30 AM, “Eh…we won’t see her for another hour or so. She’s not a morning person.”  
“Oh, ok,” I said, “I didn’t hear Edward crying at all during the night. He’s a good sleeper.”  
“Oh, yes, an excellent sleeper.” She agreed, putting the dishes in the sink, “That’s the best thing about him right now is that he sleeps and both mommies get sleep too because otherwise we would be cranky horrible bitches.”   
“Well you’re like that normally, so…” I got cut off by Pam lightly punching me on the arm; she recoiled almost immediately.  
“Oh my God, I am so sorry!”   
“It’s not like you punched my stomach.” I laughed, “And I deserve it for making a rude comment. Just get used to not smacking me until I’ve had this baby.”  
She sat down, “I just cannot believe you’re pregnant, Harley. I never thought that it would happen.”   
“Me, either,” I shrugged, “I’m surprised at myself, to be honest. I didn’t want to tell you guys this, but I’ll tell you if you don’t blab to Selina, ok?”  
“What’s up?” Pam cocked her head, confused.  
“Um…well…obviously this isn’t planned, as you’ve figured out. What I didn’t tell you is that the Joker kind of fucked around with my birth control and that’s why I got pregnant. He wanted a baby really badly and I told him no and he went behind my back and did this.”  
“That man is such a prick sometimes.” Pam said after a moment of silence, “I don’t blame you for considering the other options before.”  
“Yeah, I mean, I was really upset with him at first but I didn’t know what else to do. I guess I’m not as morally deviant as I thought. I guess I wanted to be traditional and have the baby. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that maybe this was just meant to be.” I made a face, “Ugh, I’m so fucking sappy and sentimental right now. It’s disgusting.”  
“No, no, it’s not.” Pam grabbed my hand, “You are going to be an amazing mom, I promise. Don’t feel bad about your emotions. They’re perfectly normal. You’re going to feel like a crazy person at times and people around you are going to want to kill you, but we will deal with it. You always have my support if anything. You know that, right?”  
“Of course I know that.” I smiled, and hugged her, “You’re the best.”  
“I try.” She grinned.   
Selina walked groggily into the kitchen, “Ugh…breakfast?”  
“Yes, dear, I have a plate made up for you.” Pam said, pointing at the aforementioned food.  
Selina grunted something and went to get the plate, and then stared at the counter for a minute.  
Pam rolled her eyes, “Coffee is in the pot.”  
Selina groped for the coffee pot, poured herself a cup, and then shuffled back away toward their main bedroom. I glanced over at Pam and raised my eyebrow.  
“She’s not a morning person.” Pam repeated.  
“Now I can see that.” I chuckled, “I have a rough time sleeping in other people’s houses, let alone sleeping in general. The Joker and I don’t do much of that these days.”  
Pam made an awkward sexual gesture and I shooed her dismissively, “That is NOT what I meant. I meant that I’ve been an insomniac for years now.”  
“Oh, right, since your family passed away. Are you still having those Maggie dreams you told me about?” she asked.   
“Actually…” I said, “It’s honestly the weirdest thing, but I stopped having those dreams a few months ago and I figured that meant that I was over her death, but there was a real reason behind it. I mean, being a psychiatrist, I did study dream interpretation and generally dreams are a psychological manifestation of events that have transpired in your life; events that have affected you so deeply that even your subconscious actively thinks about them, you know?”  
“Yeah, definitely,” Pam agreed, “So why do you think the dreams stopped?”  
“As I said, I thought it was because I was emotionally handling her death and that the guilt was starting to go away, but the real reason showed up one day sitting on my couch.”   
Pam cocked her head in confusion, “What do you mean?”  
“I mean that Maggie is alive.”   
“No shit.” Pam breathed.  
“Yes, she is.” I explained to Pam briefly what had happened to my sister, “So, here she is in my life again and I feel so much better, honestly. I feel like things are mostly right now, and that I can move on with everything. I think I really knew deep down that something wasn’t right about what happened to Maggie and now I know why. I’m just so happy that we can be sisters for real and we can be in each other’s lives like a normal family. I’ve been craving normalcy for years and this is the first time it’s been granted to me.”  
Pam touched my shoulder, “I’m so glad that she’s ok, and I could see the change in you the minute I saw you in the airport. You looked so much more relaxed, less haggard, and I figured it was the pregnancy and I’m sure it’s partly that, but this is more than I ever could have expected. I hope I can meet Maggie someday.”  
“And you should.” I said earnestly, “She’d love you. You guys could talk biology and confuse the hell out of me.”  
She laughed, “I would love that.”   
“I know you would. You have such a fondness for being superior.” I grinned.  
She smacked me in the arm, “I hate your guts, bitch.”  
“I wish you’d just drop dead.” I replied smoothly.  
“Whore-basket.”  
“Skank-a-tron,” I retorted.  
“If you didn’t know any better, you’d think we were just the best of friends.” Pam was caustic in her tone as always.  
“So…” I lowered my voice, “I’m really sorry still about last night. I didn’t mean to make things awkward between you and your wife. I feel terrible.”  
“No, no, it’s fine, honestly.” Pam shook her head vehemently, “You don’t need to keep apologizing. Selina needs to grow up sometimes and stop holding her grudges. Now that you don’t need to either, but I have a harder time putting up with her flaws because I live with her.”  
“That’s usually how it goes, isn’t it?” I said wryly, “I’m just a little concerned about some of the things she said to me about Bruce.”  
Pam held up her hand to stop me from continuing, “I’m going to alleviate your concerns. Selina is not with Bruce and she is not in love with Bruce. We’ve been over this before and we clarified it before we got married. I told her that by marrying me, it meant that she and Bruce were over. I told her that she was allowed to fool around with guys if she wants to, if that keeps her happy, then I don’t care. I just want her to come home to me and act like my wife.”  
“You’re ok with having an open marriage?” My eyes were undeniably wide with shock.  
“Not totally, but I understand that she is more straight than she is gay, and that’s ok. She’s allowed to have her indiscretions and so am I. It’s for the good of our marriage.”  
“I just worry that you’re only doing that so that she won’t be with Bruce.”  
“She doesn’t love Bruce.” Pam said firmly, “She has told me multiple times that she’s over the whole situation. We aren’t going to go over it again just to make me feel more secure. That’s stupid.”  
I sighed, “Ok, I just would hate to see you get hurt. You’re my best friend and I care so much about you. I would kick the shit out of both of them if they did that to you.”  
She smiled, “Well, that’s comforting to know.”  
“Hey, I’ve got a mean kick when I can get enough momentum.” I said defensively.  
“That’s adorable.”   
“Don’t be patronizing. I’m being serious, ok? I don’t understand why you’re being so utterly cavalier about all of this.”   
“Because it’s done!” Pam snapped, “I don’t know why you have to harp on the same topic. All it does is make me pissed off.”  
“I know hon, but I just worry about you…”  
“Believe me, you don’t need to worry about me. Even if that was the case, I’d kick their asses myself. You shouldn’t kill people considering your condition.”  
I grasped her hand, “Ok, but just know that I’m here for you no matter what.”  
She squeezed it, “Thank you, but I don’t think it will be necessary.”  
Selina ambled back into the kitchen, looking much more chipper than before, “Morning, beautiful ladies!”  
“Morning!” Pam and I chorused.  
“Harley, would you like to take a ride with us today? We can show you the town. It’s totally quaint. So unlike Gotham. We can get our nails done and I will buy you some maternity clothes!” Selina sing-songed loudly, “I am so excited!”  
I stared at Pam. She shrugged, “Told you; once she’s had her coffee, she’s a different person entirely. We’ll see how long this lasts.”  
We all got dressed into more appropriate attire for walking about town. Selina packed up Edward and all of his paraphernalia, piled into the van, and we were on our way.   
I stared out the window at the passing mountains, so beautiful and majestic as a backdrop. I don’t think I’d ever even really seen mountains up close before. I’d lived in a huge city all my life and never appreciated nature. The only foreign cities I’d ever been to were London and Paris, and they were metropolises filled with architecture and fashion and food, not nature…or at least they didn’t seem like it at the time. I couldn’t help but stare at this unfamiliar landscape with some true yearning for the silence, for the slower, country life like they had. But, in my heart, I knew that that would never be me. I loved the noise, the crowds, the screaming of obscenities in the street. It was New York, and it was my home. It was scary enough that I would be moving to Venice in the near future.   
Selina parked on the street near a corner store, and we got ourselves out. It was a really cold day, being early January. I hugged my coat closer to me, shivering a little from the wind. At least in New York the buildings were able to block the wind a little bit, but here there was no shelter at all. Pam and Selina walked merrily along with Edward in his stroller, cooing over his cuteness. People stopped on the street to admire the baby and smiled and did their ‘oh my god it’s a baby’ waves and high-pitched nonsense consonants. I vowed then and there that I wasn’t going to do that to my baby when it was born, but almost immediately I knew it was such an empty promise. I talked to Bud and Lou like they were my children and I mostly called them ‘pookie’ and ‘woogie’ more than their own names. In other words, I was completely fucked in that department.  
We went inside a nail salon and sat down. Pam told us to go first so she could keep an eye on Edward. Selina and I sat down in the pedicure chairs and relaxing. I picked up a People magazine and was browsing through it when Selina said quietly, “I heard what you said this morning.”  
I looked up, and asked ever-so-eloquently, “Huh?”  
“I mean, I know what you said about me and Bruce. I just want you to know that there is really nothing between us. It is hard to know that Edward will most likely never meet his father, and that’s been my main source of preoccupation for the past couple weeks. I’m dealing with it in the best way I can, and Pam knows that. I know you’re worried about her and our relationship, but I love her and I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”   
I nodded in understanding, “Ok, Selina, I believe you. I’m sorry for talking about you behind your back. That wasn’t the right thing to do, but I wanted to address it with Pam before you.”  
“Me and Pam are married, Harley. You have to discuss things with both of us now.”  
“I guess I do.” I agreed begrudgingly and I didn’t mask my feelings. Might as well be honest.  
“So when are you going back to New York?” Selina asked, turning a page in her magazine.  
“That eager to get rid of me?”   
“No, just wondering, honestly. Pam told me that you’d probably leave on Sunday.”   
“Yeah, I already booked my flight for Sunday afternoon. Usually he’s home on Sunday nights so he’ll be able to send someone to the airport for me.” I replied.  
“Oh, he doesn’t pick you up?”   
I chose to ignore her judgmental tone, “He’s a very busy man and he brings home the big bucks for me. In return for being a lazy bum and gestating his child, I don’t ask questions.”  
“I guess that’s fair.”   
“I know you don’t like him. Not many people do.” I shrugged, “I don’t take offense. He can be a huge ass-hole if he wants to be. He is just different around me; what can I say?”   
“That’s so cliché.”  
“Do you have to be such a Debbie Downer?” I asked, rolling my eyes, “I used to be like you, you know. Once I accepted that I loved him, everything changed for the better. I had to stop fighting it because it was making me psychotic.”   
“That made you psychotic?” she raised an eyebrow.   
“I don’t understand why everyone conveniently forgets that I have a doctorate degree. I still have outstanding loans from NYU that I don’t ever intend on paying.” I said, and then panicked slightly because I realized that I definitely did not even look at those in the past 2 years. I had to wonder what they did with your student loans if you’re a known felon. Oh well.  
“I have a hard time understanding your love for that man in general. You don’t even know his real name, where he grew up, anything about his past. I mean, it’s like you live with a stranger.” Selina sighed audibly, “I don’t know how you do it, just blindly loving someone like that.”  
“I think I know more about him than anyone else on the planet, and that is saying something.” I chose not to let her words sting me in any way, because then she’d win and I hate when Selina wins. She doesn’t get to win. Not knowing anything about the father of my child was pretty unsettling, but I didn’t need to be reminded of that fact.  
Selina turned back to her magazine and we finished up our pedicures. She went to the manicure bar and I went to sit by Pam, who had been accosted by many women demanding to coo in Edward’s face. He was a very popular young man, and I knew he would be so spoiled. I felt a slight pang in my heart when I pictured a glimpse of Edward as a teenager, tall and dark-haired like Bruce. I tried to ignore my stupid pregnant brain and focus on the moment. Pam smiled at me as I sat down, “Enjoy your pedicure experience?”  
“Your wife’s interrogation wasn’t my favorite part.” I replied, admiring my red toenails. So sue me, it’s my signature color.  
Pam groaned, “What did she do now?”  
“Accuse me of letting a man I barely know be the father of my child.” I said succinctly.  
“She’s going to get a stern talking-to after you leave. I told her to be on her best behavior.” Pam looked at me sympathetically, “I’m really sorry that she’s acting like this.”  
“Eh, I’m not worried about it. I don’t have to see her that often anymore and I’m perfectly happy with that arrangement. If you guys still lived in Gotham I would have murdered her 8 times, then waited a year just to throw her off and kill her the ninth and final time.” I grinned.  
Pam laughed, “Ok, ok, I have to admit I’ve wanted to try and see if she has nine lives myself, but on the off-chance I’m wrong, I don’t want to be out a wife.”  
“Understandable.” I said. I couldn’t help but feel happier when I was with Pam. She understood me better than any person in my life ever did; even my own parents. Well, fuck that, my parents barely even tried to really know me. I’m well aware that I sound like a teenager fraught with angst, but it’s beyond true. Maggie was always the center of their attention, and I was the wallflower who read her books and studied hard and tripped down 6 steps in the Plaza Hotel ballroom at her cotillion. I was one special little snowflake, I’ll give you that.   
God damn it, I am Rambles McGee today. I should legally change my name to that; it’s an awesome name.  
Anyway, we finished up at the salon and I spent the rest of a relatively uneventful weekend with Pam and Selina, having girl time and mostly watching movies and playing with Edward to relieve the tension between me and the cat lady. I packed up my belongings on Sunday morning and Pam drove me to the airport. She waited with me in the lobby until it was time to board, and she gave a tight squeeze good-bye, “You’d better come back and visit sometime soon, please.”  
“How about you come to New York alone and that would be just fine?”   
Pam gave me one of her disdainful looks and I sighed, “Ok, I guess Edward can come, too.”  
She rolled her eyes, but in a fond way, “Have a safe flight, Harley.”  
“Thanks for putting up with me.” We embraced again and Pam waved me good-bye as I handed the ticket agent my boarding pass and I got on the plane back to the place I loved.


	16. You Can't Predict the End

Chapter 16: You Can’t Predict the End

They were young and independent,  
And they thought they had it planned  
Should have known right from the start  
You can’t predict the end  
\- “Memories”, Panic at the Disco 

The Joker’s town-car picked me up at JFK, and dropped me off at the entrance to our apartment building. I walked in the door to our apartment, unceremoniously dumping my suitcase on the ground next to the entryway table. I put my keys in the bowl on the table, and I heard a loud scuffle as Bud and Lou rushed me like fucking football running backs. Are those a thing? Is that what they do?   
Anyway, I petted my babies, feeling much more at ease now that I was in my real home with the person and wild feral animals that loved me so dearly. I called into the seemingly empty apartment, “Mr. J? Are you here?”  
No response.  
I was back a little earlier than I had anticipated so maybe he went out to get me some food or something, or he got caught up with stuff at the warehouse. He was heavily into grooming his main henchman, Alex, to take over his shady businesses that he had. I honestly didn’t have a clue what he actually did, but he brought me home the figurative and literal bacon, so I couldn’t complain all that much. Yeah, maybe he killed people occasionally, but I was willing to overlook it because I didn’t have to see it happen in front of me. Yes, I am a little warped, I’m well aware of that.  
I picked up my suitcase and brought it into our bedroom and started unpacking. Once I was done putting all my clothes into the washer in our apartment, I fed Bud and Lou some snacks since they still had some food in their bowls, and refilled their water dishes. I wasn’t sure how long it had been in there since the Joker had left for work. I sat down on the couch and looked at my magazines for a little while, then turning on the television. Miraculously, we had gotten signed up for one of those free trials and I had actual cable.   
There was a Bravo marathon of Real Housewives of something that was calling my name. Or a Say Yes to the Dress marathon with which to cry over relentlessly.   
BEST. DAY. EVER.   
I settled into the couch, Bud and Lou snuggled next to me, and I felt so at peace in that moment.   
I think I must have fallen asleep after a while because the plane ride was exhausting, but the apartment was still completely empty. Silence was unnerving. I checked my phone. Only one missed text message from Pam telling me that I had forgotten a T-shirt that she had washed for me. I called Mr. J, and it went straight to voicemail. Jerk. He didn’t even bother to pick me up at the airport and now he was ignoring my calls. I know I didn’t talk to him too much when I was in Wyoming, but he didn’t have to be such prick about it.  
I stood up to get a snack from the kitchen, and then my phone rang. It was his ringtone, “Highway to Hell” by AC/DC. I picked up, “Hey babe, I thought you were mad at me! I just got home from the airport and…” My voice trailed off when I realized that he wasn’t responding.  
“Hello, Harley.”   
I closed my eyes in frustration, “Hello, Bruce.” Then my blood suddenly ran cold, “Why the fuck are you answering his phone?”  
“Boy, you are so quick.”  
“Cut the bullshit and tell me what’s going on. I don’t have time to play games.”  
“Oh, I really think you do. You see, your clown has been in my custody for the last 6 hours.” I heard echoes in the background and the sound of yelling.  
My hand flew to my mouth, “How do I know you’re not bluffing?”  
I heard the sound of footsteps, and then a muffled scream that was definitively the Joker’s. I was shaking uncontrollably, and all I could think was that this stress could not be good for the baby. I breathed deeply a couple of times and then said, “I still think you’re bluffing.”  
“How much more fucking proof do you need? I just cut his face!” Bruce shouted into the phone.  
“Screaming at me is going to get you nowhere fast.” I said firmly, “What are you trying to gain from kidnapping my boyfriend?”   
“How about the fact that you know where my child is?!” I could just picture Bruce’s face, scarlet from rage, on the other side of the line.  
“I haven’t the faintest idea of what you’re talking about.”  
“I swear to God, Harley, playing the fool is not a good look on you. Tell me right now before I cut off parts that are much more necessary.” Bruce snapped.  
“Dude, I’m already pregnant. I don’t need his dick anymore. Go ahead and cut it off. I’ve always wondered what it would be like to date a eunuch.” I couldn’t believe the things that were vomiting out of my mouth; I couldn’t help that nonchalance was my defense mechanism. The Joker would thank me later for it…I think?   
I was trying fervently to cover up my actual terror. I didn’t want to think that he was really suffering right now and in pain, truly needing my help in this situation. I just had to keep breathing and try to get Bruce off his crazy train. Clearly, he had snapped in the 3 days I had been gone.   
“Bruce, hon, I know what you must be feeling right now. I know that your son is missing and you just want to see him, but committing a felony is not the way to go. I wish I could help you but I genuinely have no idea where Edward is.” I kept my voice level, sincere. One thing that I used to my advantage was being an extremely good liar. I had learned that from my dear boyfriend.   
Bruce hesitated, “I still can’t decide if I believe you. You’re going to have to come to me and prove your innocence.”  
“I will do no such thing. You probably have traps waiting for me.”  
“There are no traps. I knew you’d think that.” He said swiftly, “It’s just me and him. Harley, I don’t know what to do. I am desperate. I will do anything right now to find out where my son is and I have the distinct feeling that you are able to help me out. I promise you that if you are honest with me and tell me where they are, I will let you and your man go. I promise you that. I’m serious.”  
“Now I’m the one who doesn’t believe you.” I said, cradling the phone against my ear, “I don’t negotiate with kidnappers.”  
“YOU FUCKING WHORE, YOU TELL ME WHERE THEY ARE!”   
“That’s really cute, Bruce.” I said, swallowing the lump in my throat, holding back tears. I couldn’t mask the pure hurt that came with that statement.   
I heard the Joker yell something in the background; it sounded like, ‘Wayne, I will…beat the…and you won’t be able to fuck for weeks…let me go!’  
I had to smile at my man defending my honor in that brief moment of respite from the tension. I can’t lie and say Bruce’s words didn’t sting at all. I felt the pain deep in my heart and I wiped fiercely at my eyes, vowing that from this moment on, I would never shed tears over Bruce ever again. I hated that man with every fiber of my being, every cell in my blood. I knew I had to act, and fast. He was not going to hold on this long with my bullshit.   
While Bruce was shouting something back at the Joker, I used the GPS feature on my phone to locate the source of the call. Mr. J had installed the feature on our phones because we had a lot of death threats between the two of us, mostly directed at him. He had to know where the calls came from so he could off the bastards who dared cross him. I saw that it was coming from the docks near the Gotham Bridge outside from the town.   
“Harley? Did you hang up on me?!” Bruce was back.  
“No, no, I’m just waiting patiently for you to come back down to earth and tell me why you’re really doing this.” I stood up and was getting my coat on. I grabbed Bud and Lou’s collars and jingled them lightly. They came running and I put their collars and leashes on them. They were wagging their tails incessantly.  
“We’re going for a walk, boys.” I whispered, “And you’re going to get a nice meal tonight.”  
“What? Is someone there with you?! Is it Pam and Selina?”   
“No, they’re not with me. I told you that before.” I put him on speaker phone as I quickly texted Alex to meet me at the apartment with the town-car. I was thanking God for smart phones at this moment. He texted me back within a few seconds and said he’d be there in 5 minutes. He was never far from where the Joker was generally but obviously today was a special case.  
“Stop stalling, Harley. I’m getting really fucking aggravated at your flippant attitude.”  
“Ooh, big words from such a small man.” I drawled, “Ya got a dictionary in front of you in your torture chamber?”  
“Harley, I swear to God…”  
“Sorry, sorry. I’m just a little puzzled at your sudden violent nature. Why would you do something like this? I know you hate me, but you have so much to live for now. You have the baby…”  
“NO I GODDAMN DON’T!!!” he screamed into the phone, making me cringe and pull it away from my ear, “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you, you fucking ignorant bitch! If you’d just tell me where Pam and Selina are, this will be all over but you want to be difficult as per fucking usual!”  
“I told you that screaming doesn’t do any good. I honestly couldn’t give a shit what you do to the Joker. He’s probably got at least 10 guys waiting outside to blow you to pieces. He’s never alone. You should know that by now.” Obviously I didn’t know any of this was true, but I wanted to at least make him think twice about what he was doing.   
Meanwhile as he started gabbing I took the hyenas downstairs and we climbed quietly into Alex’s car. Alex stared at me skeptically when he saw Bud and Lou but I put my finger to my mouth and mouthed, ‘Bruce Wayne’ and pointed to my cell. I showed him the GPS and he nodded, speeding off toward the destination.  
“Harley, I’m so lost right now…I was just so happy that I was going to become a father and when I saw Edward I knew that I would never love anything else as much as I love him…and then they took him away from me. That’s illegal, you know that, right? They can’t just take my child from me. I’m listed as his biological father on all the paperwork. I tried to sue them but they aren’t at their current address so they can’t subpoena them. They said their names are no record anywhere. Selina Kyle and Pamela Isley are missing persons and are presumed dead by the state of New York. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that? Fucking dumb-fuck police around here…obviously they changed their names and they moved somewhere else!” Bruce was rambling on and I couldn’t find myself moved in any way by his speech, “Why did they want to move away from me? Why? I was going to give that child everything he could ever dream of and wasn’t asking anything in return from them…”  
I decided that he deserved a little bit of a bone here, “Well, I do know that they were going to a different state…” I braced myself for his reaction.  
“Are you fucking kidding me?! You couldn’t have told me that before?!”   
“I don’t know which state. They didn’t want to tell me because they were afraid I’d tell you and you’d come after them.” I lied automatically. I had this planned in my head ever since they told me at the hospital that day, “And I haven’t even really heard from them…”  
“Hold on, hold on,” he interjected, “When you answered the phone and you thought it was the Joker, you said you just came back from the airport.”  
SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT.  
“I was visiting my sister.” I immediately regretted saying that as soon as it flew from my mouth. It was like watching your words fly away and trying to grab them before they get to the other person. I was such a fucking idiot.  
“Your sister…? Are you high? Your sister is dead. Nice try, Harley.” He scoffed, “That has to be the most transparent lie you’ve ever told.”  
“Woops, gee, I’m just so silly. Couldn’t pull the wool over your eyes on that one!” I said in my blondest voice possible.  
Phew. He didn’t believe me. I guess it did seem preposterous because ever since he had known me intimately, my sister had been dead in my mind. I still could scarcely believe it myself at this moment. I shook my head and tried to clear thoughts unrelated to this situation away. I couldn’t believe how goddamn stupid I was, almost ruining my sister’s private existence. I prayed that the Joker and I would make it out of this alive so that we could see her get married.   
We arrived at the GPS destination and Alex and I scrambled out of the car, me grabbing the hyenas so that they didn’t go chase rats or something. They were mommy’s little angels but they were not the brightest of said angels. The docks were completely dark and ominous-looking; I would have felt very unsettled if Alex hadn’t been with me. He was 6 foot 3 and built like a professional wrestler. In fact, I think he was one once. That would make perfect sense. As Bruce responded to my ridiculous statement, I whispered to Alex, “Listen for the sound of Bruce’s voice.”  
He grunted an affirmative noise and went walking, me following him with the hyenas trying to pull me much faster than I would have liked. I felt better because I realized that no one was going to fuck with me with two huge slobbering animals that could bite faces off if I commanded. I also realized that I was wearing a red tank top and leopard print pajama pants. Real fucking intimidating.  
“Am I catching you at a bad time or something?” Bruce demanded, “You seem like you’re really distracted.”  
Dumb-ass. I sighed, “I think no time is a convenient time for you to kidnap my boyfriend, Bruce.”  
“That’s fair.” He admitted.   
After walking for a seemingly endless 3-minute span and me making inane remarks to keep Bruce at bay, Alex finally stopped at a pile of large rectangular wooden boxes at the end of the dock near the muddy, polluted water. He peered around and then swiftly retreated behind the boxes. He pointed to where he was standing and gestured that we had reached the spot.   
My heart started beating so rapidly that I felt faint. I tried to keep breathing but it was so shallow that it wasn’t even worth it at this point. I felt my blood rush to my head and my heart pounding in my ears; the only sound I could hear, blocking out Bruce’s voice and the sloshing of the grimy water against the shoreline. Without another word, I hung up with Bruce and turned my phone off. I put it in my pocket and walked over to Alex. I shushed the hyenas with a hand gesture I had taught them; their tongues were lolling out of their mouths and they were breathing too loudly for my liking.   
They sat down and stared up at me in anticipation – or confusion, I’m not that good at reading their facial expressions. I heard Bruce say, “God damn it, she hung up on me!”   
The Joker replied, “Well, you were lucky you had her on that long. She kind of hates you, you know, and this isn’t helping.”  
“Shut up, clown! I’ll cut you again!” Bruce threatened.  
“Go ahead. I’ll just have some more manly scars.”  
I had to smile to myself. He was unwavering in danger. It’s one of the things I loved most about him. I always felt safe when he was with me. It was odd, really; someone as absolutely menacing as the Joker made me feel safer than a so-called hero like Bruce. I knew in my heart that Bruce had flaws and I’m not one who focuses on people’s flaws – obviously. I just never knew Bruce had this in him. I felt so betrayed, like I had never really known him at all. I couldn’t believe I had ever loved this man. It made me physically sick to think about it. Oh no, that was just my pregnancy sickness. FUCK. I held it in and swallowed my vomit. I couldn’t give myself away just yet. That would be just so like me to reveal myself by puking unceremoniously in front of him. I applauded myself inwardly for holding it together.  
Alex leaned in, “Are you ok?”  
“Yeah, yeah,” I said dismissively.  
“She turned her phone off.” Bruce said, and there was a short pause before he grunted loudly, and I heard the sound of a phone smacking against one of the boxes and falling to the floor.  
I started to round the corner of the boxes, Alex tailing a few feet behind me.   
“Real mature, Brucey.” The Joker chuckled, “I’m sure your serene nature caused her to leave you.”  
“You two are the most irritating human beings that I’ve ever met! You two fucking deserve each other!” Bruce replied snidely.  
“I’m glad you think that.”   
Bruce turned to see the origin of the new voice, and I stood there, Bud and Lou gnashing their teeth at Bruce, their growls and snarls loud and echoing in the courtyard. The Joker grinned widely.  
“Sic ‘em, boys.” I said, and released the hyenas.


	17. Where Worlds Collide

Chapter 17: Where Worlds Collide

A thousand miles and poles apart  
Where worlds collide and days are dark  
You may have my number, you can take my name  
But you’ll never have my heart  
\- “Skyfall”, Adele 

Bud and Lou tackled Bruce to the ground, and Bruce screamed as they bit his arms and legs. Don’t worry; they weren’t going to kill him. I just wanted him wounded enough so we could make it escape. I ran past the violent scene, and to the Joker, who was tied tightly with rope in a metal chair in the center of the lot. I crouched down in front of him and kissed him fiercely, “I’m so glad I got here in time.”  
“I think I’m more grateful for that right now.” He smile and struggled against his constraints, “Just think, you met me when I was tied up in Arkham. Weird how things come full circle, huh?”  
I smiled crookedly, “As touching a moment as this is, I think it’s time we set you free, babe.”  
“Yeah, that seems like a good idea.”  
I walked around to the back of the chair and worked with the rope for a few minutes before I got frustrated and called, “Alex!”  
The burly bodyguard appeared, “Yes, boss?”  
“Boss?” the Joker repeated crossly, “Alex, I see your allegiance is rather fickle.”  
“I don’t know what two of the words in that sentence mean, boss.”   
“Oh, just get over here!” I snapped, “You got a knife on you?”  
He walked over, and raised his eyebrow at what was going on with the snarling beasts and Bruce but appeared mostly unfazed. He dug into his suit pants and pulled out a Swiss Army knife, “I’ll take care of this, Miss Quinn.”  
“Thanks, darling,” I said, patting his shoulder. The Joker gave me a scathing look and I pointed at my stomach, “I’m carrying your child and you still don’t trust me?”  
“That is accurate, but the man who proves your dishonesty is lying in a heap over there.” The Joker said, nodding at the aforementioned pathetic soul who was being attacked by hyenas at this very moment.  
“I suppose I should take care of this.” I shrugged and held my hand out, “I know you’ve got weapons in your possession, so you’d better give me one.”   
Alex reached into the Joker’s pocket and handed me a small but sharp dagger. I took it, putting it in my jacket pocket, and strode confidently toward Bruce. I ordered loudly, “Boys, off!”  
Their large brown and black spotted heads popped up, and they waited for direction. I snapped my fingers and pointed to my side, and they walked – albeit reluctantly – toward me and plopped down at my feet. I instructed them to stay, and I kneeled down beside Bruce.   
“How are you doing, bro?” I asked cheekily, “Bet you didn’t see this coming.”  
He groaned in response. He was covered in bite marks and several bits of skin were missing; the blood was forming small puddles near his limbs. I felt pity for him for a split second, but then remembered that he had pretty much gone berserk and sequestered my man. That shit was just not ok in my book.   
“This is the same pain you’ve caused me. I could have had them kill you if I really wanted to, but seeing as you fathered a child by one of my friends, I think I’ll just leave you alive for now.” I leaned in closer, “I just want you to know that this is what you deserve, you son of a bitch. You know you must be a pretty shitty person when the mother of the child ditches you for a woman and moves across the country to raise their child away from you.”  
His breathing was fast and shallow, pained. He got a sudden burst of energy and sat up, grabbing at my neck; I struggled against his strong grip and the Joker yelled, “Get your fucking hands off of her! Alex, can’t you cut me out of this faster?!”  
“Sorry, boss, it’s thick rope!” Alex replied, flustered.  
After some effort on my part and Bruce being weakened by the attack, I twisted out of his grasp and I shoved him off of me. I pulled out my knife and put it to this throat, “Don’t you dare touch me again, or this is going right through your face. You cut my boyfriend; I’ll cut you. You mean less than nothing to me. I can’t believe I ever trusted you. I can’t believe you cheated on me with a goddamn whore and impregnated her. You’re rotten down to your very core and you’ll have to live with that.”  
Bruce stared at me with wide eyes, his gaze half on the knife and half on my own flushed, enraged face. There was a tense, quiet silence that accompanied my speech. I couldn’t believe I was standing here, threatening my own ex-fiancé. Not even a year ago, he was telling me that he still loved me, all while fucking Selina Kyle. How long would it have taken after we got married for him to realize that he actually loved her? He would have left me flat, and I would be alone, with no one to love me; not even the Joker, because he would have given up on me by then.   
I heard the sound of running footsteps and the Joker pulled me away from Bruce, “Harley, what the hell do you think you’re doing? Think of the baby!”  
He took the knife out of my hand and brandished it in front of Bruce, who was still frozen in place. It was clear that he had no weapons because he was completely terrified at the sight of the knife. His eyes were watery; I’m not sure if it was from the pain or from the fear.   
“Wayne, I’ve had up to here with your bullshit.” The Joker said, sighing exasperatedly, “I’ve left you alone for so long because I didn’t want to hurt Harley, but there isn’t much stopping me from slitting your jugular vein right now.”  
The Joker looked at me for confirmation, and I shook my head, “I think we’ve done enough, babe.”  
My boyfriend stared at Bruce Wayne for another few seconds, and then lowered his arm, “If you ever threaten either of us again, I promise you that I won’t be so nice.”   
Bruce nodded, and stepped a few feet backward, saying nothing. The Joker grabbed me by the waist, “We’re getting the fuck out of here.”  
Bruce surveyed the scene; the Joker and I in front of him, and Alex standing not even a foot behind us, his hand on his revolver. He knew he was cornered.  
“I’m sorry.” He said weakly.  
The Joker’s face went from red to almost purple, and I couldn’t even stop him. The Joker slugged Bruce in the face, and I heard a sickening crunch sound as Bruce’s nose broke. I cringed, and I pulled him away, “I told you that that was enough!”  
“He doesn’t get to apologize.” Mr. J was breathing heavily, labored, “Not after what he’s done to you and now to me. He doesn’t get to apologize.”  
“Alright,” I said softly, “Please, let’s just get out of here, ok?”  
He nodded in affirmation and he grasped my hand, leading me out of the empty lot. I turned to look back at Bruce, who was still lying on the ground, hands clutching his broken nose. I clung tighter to the Joker, and we made our way back to Alex’s car.   
…  
3 weeks later…  
“Well, Harley, it looks like the baby is thriving.” Dr. Williams beamed down at me, “Have you been taking your prenatal vitamins?”  
“Yes, doctor,” I said, “I’m so glad to hear that everything is fine. I’ve been under a lot of stress lately, unfortunately.”  
“Do your best to alleviate the stress if you can.” She said, moving the little electronic ultrasound device over my stomach, “It’ll be best for you and for the baby. Dad couldn’t be here today?”  
“Nah, he’s pretty busy with work. One of those workaholic types, you know.”  
She chuckled, “Investment banker? Lawyer?”  
“He works with criminals.” I replied. It wasn’t that far from the truth.  
“You can tell him that everything is good, and that he should at least come in once to see the process. Most fathers like to.”   
I agreed with her, and asked, “Do you know what the sex is yet?”  
“Well, you’re at just about 4 months, and usually we want to wait until about 4 and a half to 5 months to be absolutely sure of the gender. Next visit I’ll be able to tell you for sure. I’ll need to see you next month so schedule your appointment at the front desk.”  
“Alright,” I said, sitting up. I got dressed and walked out the door without even bothering to schedule an appointment. We were leaving for Venice in 2 days, so I was just going to have to find a doctor when we got there. I couldn’t really say that it was bothering me too much not to know what the sex of the baby was; the Joker and I kept going back and forth trying to decide if we wanted to find out. I was for finding out; he was for not. The debate was just going to have to continue.   
I got home to the apartment and Mr. J was in the bedroom, a huge suitcase open on our bed. He looked up at me as I walked in, “How’s everything?”  
“Dr. Williams said the baby is perfectly healthy.” I said, instinctively putting a hand on my slightly rounding stomach, “How goes the packing?”  
“It’s slow going, but it would be less so if you didn’t have so many clothes to bring on the trip.” He said, making a face, “I’m only bringing 5 or 6 outfits. Italy is the fashion capital of the world; I’m sure you intend on spending thousands of dollars a day there.”  
“Oh, well, obviously.” I said, sitting down on the bed, “Finish the work, slave.”  
“You are not an invalid because you’re pregnant. I’ve read the parenting books.” He said, raising an eyebrow.  
I felt my heart swell with pride, “You read the parenting books?”  
He flushed, “Well, yeah, I guess I have to. I don’t want to fuck anything up.”  
I leaned over the suitcase and kissed him deeply, “You’re pretty awesome.”  
“You’re not too bad yourself.”   
We weren’t the ‘I love you’ types. We both knew that we loved each other dearly, but it didn’t need to be said. It was the comfortable kind of love.  
“Did you get the passports?” I asked.  
He walked over to the dresser and picked up two navy blue passports, and looked inside, “This one’s yours.”  
I opened it and saw my goofy face staring back at me. I looked at the details of my fake persona, “Ok, so I’m Anna Quinn and I’m from Providence, Rhode Island…got the height right and the weight…” I narrowed my eyes at him, “…not quite. I guess I’ll live with 5 pounds difference.”  
“I took into account your pregnancy.”   
“I hate you.” I said swiftly, and kept checking it over, “Looks good. Did you list us as husband and wife?”  
“Yup,” he said, handing me his passport.  
I looked at it and I felt tears welling up in my eyes, “Henry Quinn. My dad’s name.”  
“Yeah, I thought it would be a nice gesture.” He said, smiling, “I guess I’m sort of to blame for your parents never meeting you and Maggie’s children, so I thought…”  
“That’s really sweet, thank you.” I said, almost forgetting for a moment that my parents were gone and that the Joker caused it. It was weird, but on occasion it just didn’t bother me anymore. I had to leave the past in the past and move on with my life. My future was growing in my belly.   
“No problem.” He said dismissively, “It was the least I could do. Now, our flight is at 10 AM, so I arranged for Alex to take us to the airport and he’s going to pick us up around 8:30 that morning.”  
“URGHHHHH!” I flopped backward on the bed, “Why?”  
“The flight is almost 10 hours, babe. If you want anytime to explore Venice before going to bed, that was the most un-abominable time I could get. I know you’re not a morning person.”  
“Fine, I’ll deal with it, I guess.” I said, relaxing into the soft mattress, “I’m sort of going to miss this place a little.”  
He came and lay down next to me, “Yeah, me too. It’s been nice for a while, but we can’t stay in any place too long.”  
“I know.” I closed my eyes for a moment, “I’m just anxious to get to Italy and not live in fear of being arrested 24 hours a day.”  
“Yeah I think that’ll be pretty nice, too.” He admitted, “I’ve lived the criminal life for so long. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be a normal person and just live a regular life.”  
“Well, our life won’t be so regular. We won’t have to work or anything and we’ll be living in one of the most beautiful places in the world.” I pointed out.  
“True.” He touched my stomach, “I never thought this would ever happen to me. I remember being a scared child, then a scared teenager, and having these scars…I remember thinking that no woman was ever going to love me and I would never get married, never have a real life like all the other people around me.”  
“You didn’t have a good example of a successful marriage to go off of,” I said, putting my hand on top of his, “As long as one of us does, I think we’ll be ok.”  
“Do you want to get married soon?” he asked.   
He had already asked me this a few times, but I still didn’t know how to answer the question.  
“After the baby is born,” I said after some deliberation.  
“That makes sense.” He said, and I think that pleased him for now. I thought vaguely to myself that I was going to have to give him an answer sooner or later on the topic, but the idea of marriage in general still made me nervous. I didn’t want to marry Bruce for obvious reasons, but I had to wonder what was stopping me from wanting to marry the Joker. I think it was the fact that I still didn’t know everything about him and that I had to trust him completely before I would allow him to be my life partner. Going to Italy was going to change that…or, at least I hoped so.   
We were all packed up and ready to go that evening, and we spent the last hours in our apartment cleaning and trying to pitch some of the junk that we didn’t need anymore. The Joker was going to give the apartment to some of the guys from his operation down at the warehouse, because some of them were just living out of the warehouse which couldn’t possibly be safe or healthy. He wasn’t going to charge them rent because he paid them enough to do what they did for him, which was I really don’t know what because he doesn’t tell me anything about his business. Some of the people that worked for him were really creepy and I was glad to be rid of them for a while.   
Alex picked us up at 8:30 AM on the dot and drove us to JFK for our flight. We both embraced him, thanking him for everything he had done for us the past couple of weeks. He was a good guy and he deserved the praise. The Joker slipped him a few hundred dollars and told him to buy himself his own personal vacation. He grunted a thank you and carried our baggage to the baggage claim desk, and then speeding away into the skyline. We checked in without issue and waited in the lobby to board; when it was time to get on the plane, the flight attendant smiled at us and asked, “Honeymoon?”  
“Yes,” I beamed, “Just got married last weekend.”  
“Congratulations!” she grinned and sent us on our way.  
He grabbed my hand, “See, it’s not hard to lie about it.”  
Yeah, but why was it so hard to commit to it?  
We sat on the plane, waiting for take-off and I stared in the distance, realizing that I was the leaving the city I had known and loved all my life, and for a very long time, perhaps years. I felt myself getting very emotional and I tried to hide my tears from the Joker. I knew I could blame it on being pregnant and overly emotional, but it was starting to feel like reality now. I was going to be a mother in 5 months, and I was walking away from the life I had grown accustomed to. My life had changed so much in this city, and now it was going to change again by leaving it. I felt anxious, confused, and excited all at the same time. I looked over at the Joker, who was reading the in-flight magazine without much interest, and knew that I was doing the right thing. For the first time in my life, I was at peace.


	18. Time to Begin

Chapter 18: Time to Begin

It’s time to begin, isn’t it?  
I get a little bigger, but then I’ll admit  
I’m just the same as I was  
Now don’t you understand  
That I’m never changing who I am  
\- “It’s Time”, Imagine Dragons 

I heaved my 7 and a half-month pregnant self out of bed one morning, and stretched my arms. I looked out the window and smiled widely. I still hadn’t gotten accustomed to the sight of Venice in the mid-morning, around 10:30 to be exact. The streets were filled with people, the boats moving lazily along, docking along the piers. The people of the city smiling, drinking their coffee, checking their watches, hugging and kissing their friends. We lived in a little ranch-style house, very small and economic and basically on top of the other houses around it, like the Europeans all do. It only had one bedroom, one bathroom, and a small living room and kitchen, but I never felt more comfortable anywhere else before in my life.   
I had to steady myself because my lower back was sore and achy; it had become like that in the later stages of my pregnancy. I had stopped vomiting frequently (now just once a day) and mostly had taken to wearing summery, flowered maternity dresses that I had seen all the Italian women wearing on the street. I always enjoyed just walking around the city, shopping in the market, trying on expensive shoes, and taking like a thousand photos with my new, hi-tech camera. The Joker pretty much hung out around the house, but he started running every morning before my lazy ass got up; he was tanned and looking so much healthier than I had ever seen him. I think the move was doing us both good.   
I came downstairs and saw the Joker reading the paper in his sweatpants, his brow still a little damp from his after-run shower. He looked up as I walked into the kitchen, and made a move to stand up. I said irritably, “I can move on my own. Calm yourself, buddy.”  
“Babe, you’re almost at 8 months. We have to be careful.”   
“I know how far along I am.” I said, opening the cabinet to get some oatmeal, “I’m doing fine. I don’t think I could be doing any better than I am right now.”  
He settled back into his chair and said reluctantly, “Ok…”  
“Dude, I will let you know if I need to go to the hospital. It’ll be alright.” I sat down, eating my oatmeal and just straight-up dumping cinnamon in it.   
He raised an eyebrow at me, “Are you sure that’s good for you?”  
“Hasn’t hurt me yet,” I said with my mouth full. I’m a real classy lady, I promise.  
“Once you’re done unhinging your jaw to eat that oatmeal, how about we got for a walk? We need some fresh vegetables for the salads I’m going to make later.” He suggested.  
I stared at him, “Do you listen to yourself when you talk? I’m not marrying a hipster.”  
He laughed, “Alright, sorry, I realize that was a little over the top. I just feel like we’re real people here, just living a normal life as a normal couple. It’s still weird for me, to be completely honest.”  
“Yeah, me too,” I admitted, “But I kinda like it.”  
“I thought I would be totally lost being in this place, but I’m so happy. It’s just…that I’ve never really been truly happy ever. I’ve suffered for so long and maybe all those years of being beaten down have actually built up some good karma or something.”   
I put my bowl in the sink, “I think it has, but somehow I always feel like something is amiss in the universe. Whenever we’re doing really well, someone is doing really horribly. It never works out where everyone is happy.”  
“You’re being paranoid.” He stood up, “You want to get dressed?”  
“No, I think I’ll just walk around in my fucking pajamas and disheveled hair. That seems like a great idea.” I don’t think I need to tell anyone that that was sarcasm.  
“Ha ha,” he said, equally without mirth, “Obviously you’ll look beautiful no matter what, but I prefer that you don’t look like a hobo.”  
“You, sir, are the hobo.” I declared, and walked away before giving him a chance to respond.  
I dressed in a flowing, ruffled blue summer dress and navy blue and tan wedge sandals. I quickly fixed my makeup and threw my hair up into a loose ponytail. I deemed myself acceptable for human contact and went back downstairs to meet the Joker, who was waiting for me by the front door.   
“Ah, now that’s better.” He smiled, extending his arm for me to take.  
I stuck my tongue out at him and followed him out the front door. He locked it and we went on our merry way. We walked at a steady pace down our usual half a mile stroll to the main market in the city. I looked around me in wonderment at the amazing scenery and architecture. I had been to every museum and historical churches and sites at least three times each, but I couldn’t get enough of it. I’m sure all of this would become routine eventually, but I loved that I still was awed by everything. Me and Mr. J’s relationship had improved drastically, but sometimes I had moments where I didn’t feel 100 percent at ease with our situation.   
Needless to say I wasn’t that worried about cops finding us; the Joker had our identities locked down solid, but I did worry that he’d miss the criminal life and the business and want to go back and resume our life in Gotham. I worried that Pam and Selina were being tracked by Bruce, the repercussions of our bloody scene at the docks…it felt like years ago, so far away and in another place, literally and metaphorically, I guess. I looked up at the Joker, who looked so content; he hadn’t worn his makeup since we had left the states. He had started putting some healing lotion on his scars so they weren’t so noticeable. It was really strange, seeing him look like a totally normal human being; of course I knew he wasn’t like that on the inside, the external appearance was deceiving, as with all people in the world. He was so handsome when he smiled for real, the small dimples that formed at his lips.   
Everything was too perfect, I would soon come to realize.  
We went shopping at the local produce market, trying to barter a little with the vendors, who didn’t speak English too perfectly. They were used to dealing with Americans so you would think it wouldn’t be too difficult to get your message across, but they had never met the likes of me and Mr. J, who were both geniuses in our own right. Yeah, you know how humble I am. Deal with it.  
A few touristy women stopped to coo over my very round stomach; I did the usual feigned joy and gushed about my pregnancy, and when they asked what I was having, I merely shrugged and said, ‘it’s a surprise, sorry’. And, as most people do, they told me that it was so great that I was leaving it a mystery and they wished that they had when they were pregnant, on and on. Honest to Jesus, the only baby in the world I cared about was my own, and to paraphrase Miranda who so eloquently described my feelings on this on Sex and the City, every other child I would come in contact with was still going to be a puke machine or a dirty little thing. Sorry I’m not sorry.   
“We could still find out.” The Joker squeezed my hand.  
“Yeah, but see, then we would know.”   
“That’s the point.”  
“I told you that I don’t want to know. If you would actually come to the doctor’s appointments, you could make your appeal to the gynecologist and then maybe we would find out. But you don’t really want anything to do with it except see the ultrasound pictures.” I said with mild exasperation.   
“And I told you that the gynecologist freaks me the fuck out.”  
“Then we still won’t know.” I said firmly.  
After a couple hours, my back and feet were beginning to ache terribly. I turned to my boyfriend, “Babe, I’m getting a little tired and pretty hungry. Could we stop somewhere for a while and have some lunch?”  
“Yeah, that’s fine.” He said amiably, “Where do you want to go?”  
“Doesn’t matter,” I shrugged, “Where are we closest to?”  
“Well, we’ve got the place that has the really good gnocchi or the place with the really good deli sandwiches.” He pointed them out as he spoke.  
I paused, pensive, “Yeah, I’m feeling pasta.”  
“Sounds good to me.” He agreed, and we walked into the restaurant. The waiter took us to a 2-person table near the balcony on the second floor. The restaurant was small and quaint, with cute vines and flowers adorning the ceilings. It was very open and airy, which I liked because I had hot flashes every 5 seconds, and the service was excellent. The waiter took our drink order and the Joker and I took to perusing the menus. He surveyed the restaurant absent-mindedly, and then he suddenly froze. It took me a minute to realize what he was doing because I was having a staring contest with my menu, so he tapped the top of my menu to get my attention. “What?” I asked.  
He said nothing, but gestured something that I couldn’t quite figure out, like he was playing charades.  
“Babe, you’re being weird.” I said, rolling my eyes.  
He lifted his finger slightly, and pointed behind me. Furrowing my brow, I turned my head to see what he was getting so worked up about. My eyes widened in complete and understandable shock.  
Three tables behind us sat Bruce Wayne and Selina Kyle, baby Edward sitting in a high chair next to them.

She said I can't take this place  
I'm leaving it behind  
Well she said I can't take this town  
I'm leaving you tonight

THE END?


End file.
